Ramp It Up/Stamp It Down: Friday, 26th of April
Ramp It Up!
Young men in waistcoats play
chess with balls while the old guard wax lyrical about the good old days from the commentary box. Judd Trump wears silly shoes. At least one top seed goes out early and says something unforgivably rude (by snooker standards). Dennis Taylor tells us all about tying onions to his belt which was the style at the time. Yes, it’s Ronnie O’Sullivan’s Mental Health Awareness Fortnight, or the World Championship if you want to be official about it. And it. Is. Glorious.
Diane Keaton was on Ellen during the week, liquored (or at least wined) up and in flying form as she giddily discussed tantric sex and Robert De Niro’s chest having no clothes on. The best bit is Ellen’s laughing while simultaneously looking like she could flake whoever booked this crazy woman to sit on her expensive chairs.
Stamp It Down!
We honestly can’t decide which is worse: the Oxegen line-up (God, we’re getting old), or the people complaining about the Oxegen line-up (it’s not MANDATORY, dingbats!). Not wishing to indulge too much in self-hatred, we’re going with the former. Down with cheap dance music! And someone rescue Sasha!
Justin Bieber left his monkey in Germany. That’s not a euphemism (we assume he’s still a virgin); he really left his monkey in Germany. He didn’t have the necessary paperwork to clear baby OG Mally for entry into the country during his recent tour, so Mally went into quarantine… and Justin went away home. German customs have reminded Justin that he has four weeks to provide the necessary paperwork so 15-week-old Mally can go home, but if recent requests by Justin’s management team are anything to go by, it looks like Mally’s going to a German zoo because UGH BABIES ARE SO DEMANDING FO SHIZZLE.
THEY ARE NO MORE! How can this be? They had a Christmas special on Sky1 only recently before Merrylegs went on to become the worst dance judge of all time on Got To Dance 2013. Clearly their star was on the rise (responsibly covered by a JLS-brand condom). How is it, then, that the world has tired of such straight-toothed sex kittens? Meatloaf was wrong. There is no god of sex and drums and rock and roll.