I get the urge to bully LinkedIn. It’s not big or clever, but I do.
LinkedIn is the nerd of the internet. The poindexter of social networking. The internerd, if you will. LinkedIn is a try hard.
It’s not that LinkedIn doesn’t know what all the cool kids are up to. It went to the same school, it gussied itself up the same way, but it still finds itself stumbling awkwardly through its existence.
While everyone else thinks the internet is cool for allowing them to operate in stealthstalk mode, LinkedIn tells people when you look at their profile. Nobody likes a snitch, LinkedIn.
While Facebook emails you about party invites and Twitter sends you updates when people retweet your shit-hot analyses on life, LinkedIn thinks it’s ferocious cool that someone thinks you’ve got professional skillzorx. ‘Hey, you’ve been endorsed for flower arranging and knowing the advanced functions of Excel! Would you like to endorse your connections?’ Endorsing is so not up there with Likes and Retweets. One is validating, the other hilarious depending on what your friends decide to claim you’re good at.
When you sign in, LinkedIn asks you leading questions like ‘Is Mary good at photocopying?’. Well you’re hardly going to say she’s shit, are you? So you go ahead and endorse. And are endorsed. And the whole sordid cycle continues. And LinkedIn thinks there’s a value to this little arrangement, despite the fact that it’s the internet equivalent of getting a work reference from your mother and the parish priest. People who think you’re a ‘grand girl’ won’t let you down, but they know fuck all about your metricstatisticalanalysis capabilities.
Then, despite being the try hard kid, LinkedIn presumes on people coming to their party. ‘Become a LinkedIn Premium member!’, says LinkedIn, peddling it’s wares like the bejaysus, yelling ‘be my best friend’! It’s seen Facebook and Twitter be popular so it presumes it can too.
Here’s the thing, Linky. Facebook and Twitter are down with the kids – but they make their money off the Ma’s and Da’s – the brands and corporates who sponsor things and buy adspace. And there’s just this worrying possibility that your entire business plan is based off seeing some eejit’s status about Facebook going premium and believing it to be true, and a workable model.
We get what you’re trying to do, really we do, but for as long as you keep letting us have a nosey at who that guy followed us on Instagram is in real life and keep sending us the job listing mails, we’re probs not gonna hand over any money. Ya see poindexter, just like in the schoolyard, we’ll keep you around cos you’re bookish and you know stuff and you might someday help with our homework, but man oh man you are not cool.
Stop trying to make Premium happen. It’s not gonna happen.
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