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Sure would you not have a small bit?

 

Feature: Tasteful Decor, Passive Aggression and Penis Famine – A Dip Into Female-Friendly Porn

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Posted August 16, 2012 by Ellen Coyne in Lifestyle
Nice Kitchen

Oh, how I long for the re-emergence of stringently-Catholic Ireland.

I take it all back, everything I ever said to the contrary. Sure, I may be on the record here or there passionately discussing how there is nothing in the world as cruel as placing hundreds of teenage girls into a convent-style secondary school as soon as puberty arrives. You’d almost admire the irony of the school being laced with Concern boxes and Amnesty International posters while we did nothing about the sexual drought we were being coerced into. Our only release was an incredibly coyly-phrased and frankly scarring encounter between Pádraig and Máire in An Triail and the odd ceilí with the boys from the CBS, which were such tense affairs they would have out-awkward turtled Middle Eastern peace talks.

Take me back to the days before That Book Which Shall Not be Named

Yes, I complained but I didn’t know how good I had it. Take me back, for those were the days where we never would have heard tell of That Book Which Shall Not be Named. Aside from the notable exception of Ramp’s own hilarious version, that unmentionable offence to paper has turned into some kind of cultural STI. I am sick of seeing it. I am sick of looking at it. I am sick of reading about people reading it. I am sick of hearing everyone talk about it, and then walk into a book shop and be reminded that ‘THIS IS THE BOOK EVERYONE’S TALKING ABOUT!’ Most annoyingly of all, I’m sick of people thinking it’s signalled some kind of sexual liberation movement.

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to assume that nobody at the Pulitzer Prize is getting ready to break the good news to E.L James. We know that’s not why people read it. I also appreciate that it’s essentially a book gone viral. It’s read because it’s so popular. But that popularity came from somewhere and that somewhere is the sexual, perhaps pornographically gratifying nature of the book.

I don’t know about you gals, but I don’t like to spend my time postcoitally slathering myself in Vaseline and musing over what dance I shall say one of my split-personalities is metaphorically doing to celebrate another blowjob well-done. I’m all for girl porn being popularized but not like this. Surely, there must be something better than that? Surely?

So, journalistic integrity placed in a far corner and Safe Search bravely removed, I scoured the internet to see what the craic is with girl porn, and if there’s anything better out there.

Well …

The internet thinks  girl porn is, like yachts and micro-pigs, just something to be purchased by ladies of leisure who have become bored with the more traditional spoils of the high life

People would have you believe the internet is just rife with pornography. Can’t move for all the porn in here. Porn’R’Us. It actually took me quite a while to source porn for women. Well, the free kind anyway. Obviously the internet believes that girl porn is, like yachts and micro-pigs, just something to be purchased by ladies of leisure who have become bored with the more traditional spoils of the high life. Student budget protected, I eventually found what I was looking for on PornHub.

I think it’s worth noting that the category is described by the lovely accommodating folk at PornHub as being ‘female friendly.’ We have to be identified as a separate species, you see, so that we can be differentiated from the blonde MILF whore cock-sucking sluts that occupy the rest of the site. Also, note the use of the word ‘friendly.’ No plumber is going to come at you with 13 inches of aggression while you innocently bend over the dishwasher with no underwear on in this part of the site, it seems. Reassured and optimistic, I entered. That part of the site. (Cop on.)

Because I do have a life and other things to do, and an inherent fear that for some bizarre reason my porn-riddled laptop might be publicly seized at some point in the future, I decided to base my super-scientific study on a couple of the most popular videos on the site. Several minutes in and the only thing aroused in me was a dark suspicion that the national media, the porn industry and my mother are in cahoots. All of the main characters in women porn appear to be in long-term relationships.

I’m expected to wank over how much I would like a boyfriend?

So as well as the crushing pressure from advertisers, romantic comedies and my Aunt Eithne, I am also now expected to wank over how much I would like a boyfriend? If this is the kind of ‘masochism’ encouraged in the female pornography industry, Ireland might be rescued from recession yet. While single girls all over the world try to get their rocks off thinking about how partnerless they are, why don’t we start creating a few porn films where the characters ask you mid-thrust ‘would you not ever go and visit your Grandad? He’s been awful lonesome since you moved away,’ and ‘When was the last time you went to that gym? And after you spent so much on the membership.’ So far, women porn, not so good.

Perhaps my smart-arse comment about the people in these videos being a ‘different species’ was premature. Such a poor representation of supposed human beings hasn’t been seen since the last time Tom Cruise did an interview. The men involved are frowning, aggressive-looking and silent. Not in the Christian Grey way. In the, ‘angry and distracted carpenter’ way. You can’t help but feel that he approaches many other everyday chores in the same manner, and uses the same face and stance when chopping firewood.

She, on the other hand, appears to be doing an abstract narration of everything for the visually impaired, only through the medium of moans and squaws. Also, I defy any one of you to try and keep your concentration while staring at a lady with hair that amazing. You can demolish any images you have of traditional pornstars. Apparently, what we’re after in girlporn is really hot chicks. In one video, I was fairly sure that the mass of her incredibly glossy hair exceeded that of her body threefold. It’s not ideal masturbation conditions, let me tell you that. Imagine trying on your wedding dress while a model strips beside you. Yeah. Strike two for lady porn.

Now, I am not an expert. I say that with vigor. I don’t want to be known as ‘the porn girl’ around Ramp, so seriously, I am not an expert. Who am I to go casting aspersions about pornography and how it’s made? It would be sexist and wrong to assume that because these videos do so little for me, they must be made by a man. After all, E.L James herself is a fellow vagina-owner and I’m absolutely certain that in no possible universe will she and I ever be fighting over the same lover. However, there was one scene that made me feel slightly dubious that these videos had had any input from a lady in the production process.

Man will stop having sex with girl for a moment. I say ‘having sex’, which is generous. The general vibe he’s emitting is that he’s giving sex, as though he were reluctantly returning some favour he owed her. She will melodramatically roll into a sitting position, with all the grace and silence of an agitated seagull. Hands on hips, he’ll thrust his pelvis forward slightly, and look at her ANGRILY. Her eyes will widen. She can hardly believe it. It can’t be … oh, but could it? Could it really be? Who knows? His face isn’t giving anything away. However, the message is received by her somehow. Yes. That’s right. He is going to let her give him a blowjob.

If I was skeptical before, now things really have taken a leap into the world of the unimaginable. I had only ever heard tell of such a sexually generous man under the security of a duvet at teenage sleepovers. I had grown jaded from modern life and assumed such a creature were only mythical. In fact, if I weren’t seeing it with my own eyes, I daren’t believe it. A man that would kindly grant us such a pleasure? Unbelievable.

He’s standing completely nonplussed and staring straight ahead as you might do in the aisle at Tescos when you’re sure you’ve got everything, but you think you’re forgotten something

And she acts as such, too. I don’t think I’ve lived long enough to liken the way she gobbled that penis to anything I’ve ever seen before. If you could imagine some sort of penis famine ship docking at Ellis Island, and her being the first one off, and that being the first thing she sees, it might cover it. He, on the other hand is standing completely nonplussed and staring straight ahead as you might do in the aisle at Tescos when you’re sure you’ve got everything, but you think you’re forgotten something. Or the same way my slightly thick dog looks at the hoover when I turn it on. That’s it. I didn’t want to give girl-porn its third and final strike for that, as who knows. Some of you might be into that.

It wasn’t until I noticed one, final common denominator that alarm bells finally started to ring. A few of these films had something weird in common, but I didn’t know what. I really don’t want to promote any more gender stereotypes, but it was when I found myself remarking, for the third time that evening: ‘God, that’s a lovely …’

Kitchen.

Fantastic hard wood

They were all shot in the most beautiful, well put together kitchens you’ve ever seen in your life. Fantastic hard wood. Beautiful tiling. I can only imagine Man cut down a tree one day and put the whole thing together passive aggressively one lazy Sunday afternoon.

If there’s one thing I don’t want from my pornography, it’s the impression that it was produced under the direction of what Jeremy Clarkson might think I like.

Big hair. Nice kitchen. Silent man.

Strike three, ‘female friendly’ porn. You’re out.


About the Author

Ellen Coyne


  • Sinéad

    Hear, hear.

    The reason that regular porn isn’t ‘for girls’ is not because it’s not shot in a nice kitchen or about loving sex with your boyfriend, it’s because regular porn is largely filled with ridiculous situations which often look painful and not in the bad-but-good kind of way, and is usually about being a filthy cumslut who emits your best smile only when there’s semen dripping through your hair. Jesus. Just film the same scenario with more going down on the woman, try not to ram any foreign objects (or your arm) into her without warning, and don’t let any of the actors talk. Ever. Porn dialogue is in my Room 101.

    MOM IF YOU’RE READING I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN PORN.

    • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

      “…usually about being a filthy cumslut who emits your best smile only when there’s semen dripping through your hair.” Sinead, that actually made me feel physically ill.

      • Sinéad

        I’m sorry :( . It is a hideous image. But that’s what man pron is made up of, Catherine.

        • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

           I’ll take your word for it – I’ve never watched porn in my life. *shifty eyes* *deletes browser history* *hits ‘delete’ again just to be sure* Never in my life… :P

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura C

      Yes. Blowjobs have no place in women’s porn.

      • http://www.krank.ie/ Neil

         No place? :(

  • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura C

    Great article Ellen. You brave, brave soldier. Most of that ‘Female friendly’ porn sounds atrocious.

  • http://jymian.myopenid.com/ jymian

    Is this where we say “yeah, the book is always better than the movie”?

  • http://www.redlemonade.blogspot.com/ Kitty Catastrophe

    I once encountered “female friendly” porn before, by Anna Span, a well known female porn director. It was AWFUL. Apart from the fact that you could see boom microphones edge into shot and the lighting guy as he stood to the side, ONE OF THE DUDES LEFT HIS SOCKS ON THE WHOLE TIME. NOT COOL.

    Everyone download Pirates though. Pirates is awesome, because it’s funny, good, Pirates of the Caribbean-y porn. And the most expensive porno ever made apparently.

  • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

    Ok, so this isn’t female-centric, but it wrecks my head how a bunch of dudes will sit around listlessly watching porn together with a few cold tinnies. WHY?!

    I guess the best female-friendly porn would be porn that is friendly to females. As in, no actresses were exploited, no character has anything stuffed down her throat, and no aggressive marketing of kitchens occurs.

  • thefallsample

    Absolutely loved this, read all your other pieces afterwards as well. You’re a fantastic writer, hilarious also!

  • heiy

    There is a lot of bad porn. But also a lot of good porn.. The problem is how to find the porn that you like. In the netherlands there is a tv station called Dusk that broadcasts female friendly porn 24/7. They way they find their porn is to let about 2000 women judge porn on a dailybases through their website witch they monitor heavely. The porn that is approved by these 2000 women can be conciderd female friendly. You should check out their website http://www.dusk-tv.com

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