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News For The Daft: Spain to be Ceded to Historical Muslim Empire in Cost-Cutting Exercise

Posted September 27, 2012 by Stephen Rooney in Ramp Specials

Spain is to be returned to an Islamic Caliphate in a radical new scheme to shake up the European economy. The scheme, proposed by the European Central Bank, aims to help stabilise the European markets and restore global confidence in Europe’s banks by getting rid of one of the more prominent ‘problem children’ of the European economy.

‘Sure, it may seem a little extreme,’ said Marianne Rogers, head of the ECB think tank which suggested the change, ‘but I think today’s 3.5% drop in the Spanish Ibex index shows just how serious the situation is. If we don’t move quickly to remedy this problem then we could be seeing drops as high as 3.7%-4.2%, and then who knows where this anarchy will end?’

The scheme has been compared to the German suggestion that Greece should sell off some of its smaller islands in order to cancel out their debt, but differs in both the magnitude and the aim. ‘Our plan is to shift as much of Europe’s burden of debt onto Spain as possible, and then simply let an Islamic empire, or “Caliphate” take over,’ said a spokesperson for the ECB. ‘For the convenience of the new government, we’ve gathered all the detailed records about the Spanish and European debt in a huge warehouse, where they can be stored in a safe, central location.’ He declined to comment on the rumours that a giant picture of Muhammad had been painted on the roof, other than to say ‘I’m sure everything will work out for the best.’

If this change goes ahead it will see the return of a much more Medieval map of Europe, with the Iberian peninsula under the control of a large and powerful Islamic Empire. The historical ‘Islamic Golden Age’ saw Islam’s area of influence stretch from Persia right across Africa and up into Spain and Portugal, which were conquered in the 8th Century and remained under the control of various Caliphs until they were finally driven out by the Christian Crusades, or the Reconquista, in the 12th and 13th centuries. ‘The time of the Muslim conquest was one of the most culturally and scientifically vibrant periods that Spain has ever seen, and we’re confident that the reintroduction of Islamic influence will spark a renaissance in Spain,’ said Ms. Rogers.

Criticism of the plan has been widespread, with many asking why Spain is being picked on when Greece and Ireland are also in trouble? ‘Unfortunately it wasn’t really practical to cede the Greek debt to a historical empire’, Ms. Rogers explained. ‘In the case of Greece it would mean handing them over to the Turks, who are desperately trying to join the EU anyway, so that’s no use. We have considered giving Ireland to the USA, but all of our calls are going to voicemail and we don’t expect a reply until December.’

Although the ECB is confident that their plan will work out perfectly fine, they have several back-up plans on file, including a world-wide chain of lemonade stands, an oxygen tax and having Angela Merkel shout at everyone until the problem goes away for another month.

At time of going to print, there has been no comment from the Almohad or Umayyad Dynasties.

In Other News:

  • Punk band ‘Explosion’ rocks Syrian capital.
  • Due to staff cuts, emergency services calls will now be outsourced to German company Nein, Nein, Nein!
  • Child conceived, born and enrolled in primary school in the time it took his parents to leave National Ploughing Championships car park.
  • Leo Traynor awarded Internet’s highest honour, the Golden Tube, for his fight against online trolls.
  • Harry Potter wins the All-Ireland despite insisting that he never entered the competition in the first place.
  • Hong Kong Billionaire puts €50 million ‘marriage bounty’ on his daughter’s head. The History Channel offers to make a series televising the hunt.

Featured Image is by Tyk and used under Creative Commmons 3.0

About the Author

Stephen Rooney

A freelance writer of things, stuff and whatchamacallits. Based in Dublin with a keen interest in science, politics, gaming, and the absurd.

  • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

    How, HOW did Daniel Radcliffe end up boozing with the Donegal team? I just want to know how this shit happens so I can be there next time.

    • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

      WHAT? I saw that but I thought it was just some dude who looked like him! Jesus, those Donegal supastars, wha?

      • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

        Oh aye it was him. He was photographed pissing in the streets too.

        • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

          The dih-ty bas-tad.

          • http://twitter.com/notRuairi Rú Hickson

            Ey-up yi bas-tid. Twas the Dublin Minors though, wasn’t it? The pissing photo with the hairy holes makes it.

          • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

            It could be the Coal Miners for all I know. Oh aye, ruddy Nora.

          • http://twitter.com/notRuairi Rú Hickson

            What, the Chileans? After watching Breaking Bad, I now have to assume Harry Potter is pretty high up the chain in a meth distribution empire.

    • http://twitter.com/nuckpang Stephen R.

      I’m guess he was trying to get a get a coffee from the other side of the room with an “Accio Cup” spell and it just all spiraled from there.

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