News for the Daft: Rónán Mullen Warns Against ‘Double-Think’ in Wake of US Tragedy
Senator Rónán Mullen has warned against ‘double-think’ in the wake of the mass shooting in an American elementary school, pointing out that while children in the US were certainly in danger, Irish people must not forget their own responsibility to protect children in the womb in their own country.
‘I find it incomprehensible that while we are, rightly, expressing our sympathy with America in the wake of this tragedy,’ said Mullen, speaking in the Seanad, ‘we are also doing absolutely nothing to protect Ireland’s unborn children. If we’re calling for gun regulation in American schools, why aren’t we calling for it in Irish uteruses? Ireland’s unborn are at more risk than ever from gun crime, and we’re not doing a thing about it!’ The Senator went on to reiterate that he stood in solidarity with the people who died in Connecticut, but insisted that he could not stand silently by while a similar tragedy was gestating in Irish wombs.
His harsh words have hit home for people, but others have insisted that his concerns have no basis in reality. ‘A blanket ban on firearms within the womb is a ludicrous proposal,’ said Edgar McMahon, GP. ‘A foetus can’t even form a fist until around week 13 of gestation, there’s absolutely no danger whatsoever with them wielding firearms. It would take some creative work with the umbilical cord just to be able to pull the trigger!’
Still others have lashed out at Senator Mullen, saying that he himself is trampling the rights of the unborn. Speaking at a press conference on the issue, Mary Sullivan, Lecturer in Constitutional Law at Trinity College, said ‘our forefathers were clear about the unborn’s right to life, and implicit in that is the right of the unborn to protect its own life. What if there’s an intruder? How can a child in the second trimester be expected to defend itself from an aggressor without a handgun?’
Senator Mullen has defended his claims, which he maintains are fair and balanced. ‘This may not be the most elegant solution, but it is definitely a solution,’ he insisted. ‘If we follow through on my plan, we could well see deaths caused by gun-toting foetuses drop to zero in 2013. It sounds like a fantasy, but I’m telling you we can do it!’
We could not find any children under the age of zero who were willing to comment on this story.
News for the Daft is a work of satire, often containing invented quotes or people, and should not be taken seriously. Given that the topics discussed in this piece may invoke strong emotional reactions, we would like to be clear that the tragic shooting in the USA is not a joking matter, and our politicians have rightly expressed their condolences on this very serious issue. I am sure that none of them would ever brazenly take advantage of such a tragedy to try and push their own political agendas in regards abortion, or any other issue, because that would make them an unfathomable bag of shit. I mean, like, the kind of person that you might consider tarring, feathering and voting out of town. A truly mind-boggling bastard of a human being, really.
Just thought I’d throw that out there. Merry Christmas, folks.
In Other News:
- Police prepare to nab world’s most notorious drunk pilot. ‘He’s normally several million sherries over the limit, so we’ve no idea how he guides that sleigh at night.’
- Pro-Choice groups claim victory as Government introduces legislation to allow abortion when the mother’s life is in danger.
- Pope warns of love-filled Utopia if same-sex marriage is introduced. ‘You can’t just treat everyone the same! That’s communism!’
- Pro-Life groups claim victory as Government introduces legislation to allow abortion, only when the mother’s life is in danger.
- Amazon struggles to deliver order of 9,647,398 iPads to the North Pole after surprise last minute order by forgetful elf.
- Irish bishops caution against willy-nilly killing of innocent children. ‘Just because God did it in Egypt, doesn’t mean it’s okay in Ireland.’