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News for the Daft: Pakistan’s Taliban Take Aim at Secularism Debate

Posted October 11, 2012 by Stephen Rooney in Ramp Specials
Pakistani Men School

The Pakistani Taliban has claimed victory in a debate over the future of secularism in their country. The debate had raged for several years, but the Taliban are now confident that they have secured the win using ‘superior arguments, reasoned logic, and by shooting a young girl in the head‘, according to their spokesman Ehsanullah Ehsan.

‘We were getting worried there for a while,’ said Ehsan, ‘there seemed to be several prominent secularists gaining ground since 2009, and it’s worrying when you’re being beaten in an argument by a small child. Quoting the Qu’ran has not been as successful as it used to be, so we wanted to try something new. We had heard about guns from our partners in Afghanistan, and we thought we’d give them a shot.’

The move has sparked outrage across the globe, with many slamming the unorthodox debate technique. All parties in Pakistan have come out strongly against the practice, as have many other world leaders. Barack Obama has said that his prayers are with the families of those injured, while Mitt Romney has called the practice ‘intriguing’, then ‘repulsive’, then ‘a little old fashioned’ and then ‘intriguing’ again.

Ted Hoyle, of the Association of International Debating Standards, has claimed ‘it’s not something we’ve seen since the 1800s, when debates were sometimes settled by a bullet to the head. The most notable example is when the Vice President of the USA shot and killed the former Secretary of the Treasury over a particularly strongly worded letter in 1804.’ Since then, the practice has been frowned upon as a method of settling arguments, and Hoyle insists it does not appear in the latest edition of the International Debating Standards Guidebook.

Despite their enthusiasm for the new system, the Taliban are the first to admit that it’s not perfect. ‘We are certainly not as proficient as we should be,’ said Ehsan, ‘we had to shoot two girls on the school bus because we were not sure which one was Malala. Unfortunately, they both survived.’ They are determined to keep practising and insist that she ‘will not be spared’ if she continues to defy them by moving and breathing. They hope to someday be able to murder little girls as easily as they murder everyone else. ‘This is the 21st century, after all. Anything less would be sexist.’

This new, more aggressive debating technique has led to a motion being tabled in the UN, which simply states ‘Okay guys, new rule: if you have to shoot a 14-year­-old girl in the head to win your argument, then you have lost the fucking argument.’

News in Brief:

  • Two arrested for possession of dangerous levels of cute as they’re found smuggling 50 puppies.
  • Man takes photo of himself every day for two days.
  • Australian Prime Minister lashes out at sexism from leader of the opposition. He insists he isn’t offended, says ‘She’s probably just on her period or something.’
  • Mobs express frustration that Jimmy Savile is already dead; call for unholy science to bring him back so they can lynch him anyway.
  • Ireland to make billions from oil, leads to exciting speculation about how we’ll manage to fuck this one up too.

About the Author

Stephen Rooney

A freelance writer of things, stuff and whatchamacallits. Based in Dublin with a keen interest in science, politics, gaming, and the absurd.

  • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

    ‘Okay guys, new rule: if you have to shoot a 14-year­-old girl in the head to win your argument, then you have lost the fucking argument.’

    You’d really think this wouldn’t need to be said. Man, fuck the Taliban.

  • Jenny

    I’ve decided this is the only news I need to read from now on.

    • http://twitter.com/nuckpang Stephen R.

      Ha! I think I’m going to have to start printing out comments that are as lovely as this so I can reread them when I feel crap about my writing :P

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