Sure would you not have a small bit?

 

Top Ten Horrible Book Covers

173
Posted October 9, 2012 by Laura in Ramp Reviews
Elmo Experiments FI

They say that you should never judge a book by its cover but Reader, ‘they’ are wrong. ‘They’ also recommend you to floss and we all know how fucking horrible that is.

We judge book covers just like we judge everything and everyone you care about. Mostly that involves asking yourself ‘Is this person/place/thing going to benefit me in any way?’ and then ‘Do I enjoy looking at this person/place/thing?’.

ANYWAY. Books. Books are brilliant, there is no doubt about this, but when it comes to book covers, publishers can get it hilariously wrong. Here are Ramp.ie’s thirty-four Top Ten Horrible Book Covers.

 

34.

Shouldn’t this be ‘How to Keep Your Family Happy and Your Tractor Running’?

Oh.

We see.

33.

So best just resign yourself to a future where almost every day is spent sitting at a desk, in a badly air conditioned office, wondering if they’d let you go home early if you stuck your hand in the shredder.

32.

No one, from what we can tell from this title. What a great lesson for kids eh? ‘Old people smell like hopelessness, kids. Try to hope you get hit by a bus before you become one of them’.

31.

Mother Teresa ‘In Theory’?

No book should ever incorporate the words ‘The Missionary Position’, ‘In… Practice’ and ‘Mother Teresa’. No book.

30.

G’wan Eleanor. You’re like a fine wine getting better with age, you are. Eleanor can make you a quilt and make you feel like a little boy all at the same time. You have to hand it to her – the woman has skills.

29.

What better way to pass the time during the unrelenting march towards the grave than to lovingly construct your own coffin? Upon completion, just crawl inside your masterpiece and quietly wait in the darkness for the sweet release of death. ‘Tis fun for all the family.

28.

If you look to the Ramp.ie bio of this particular contributor, you’ll see a reference to pyromania recovery. You would be incorrect to assume this is just a joke, Reader, because right now, there is nothing this contributor wants to do more than to ‘Build Fire Tornadoes’, construct ‘One-Candlepower Engines’ and make ‘Great Balls of Fire and More Incendiary Devices’. All at once.

We want to throw our heads back cackling and light up the sky like a muthafuckin’ firework.

27.

Part of us thinks this has to be a joke. Cats can’t play chess for a start.

No. No they can’t Reader and you can’t deny that, no matter how smart you think Mr Tickles is. No, he does not ‘know’ when you are sad. Cats don’t have the necessary opposable thumbs to play chess, for God’s sake.

There is an undeniable presence of ennui in the eyes of this cartoon cat. Poor little fictional bastard. This is actually a genuine guide to further the amusement of cat owners who (probably) eat their feelings, which means that this was probably just a foolish and naïve mistake after all.

We’ll take 20 copies, please.

26.

You know, the more we hear about this Hitler chap, the more we don’t like him. Still, it’s good to know this kind of information. It would be horrible to associate Hitler with rotten concepts such as kindness to animals and vegetarianism, after all.

25.

‘Ecstasy is only a hoofbeat away!’

That line, aside from raising some interesting questions about what the hell a hoofbeat is, makes us think the horse is involved somehow. This may not, in fact, be a cover depicting a blonde and a brunette about to roll around in the haystack. Look at the expression on the face of the horse there. The sadness. She has clearly been having a fling with the mare across the field and the brunette with the frightening nipples isn’t happy about it.

Hold the phone. This isn’t ‘The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories’. This is ‘The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories’.

GOOD GOD.

24.

EAT IT I SAY.

23.

Would you look at the insufferable Mary Sue there? She’s strutting about like she shits diamonds, she is. She’s just deliberately attempting to upset our happiness now.

22

.

We may not be equestrian experts, but we’re fairly sure there are only a certain amount of places someone could strap a bomb to a horse. Either this is a particularly short instruction manual or there is an alarming amount of detailed chapters dedicated to internal examinations. Presumably, this title comes with a complementary set of rubber gloves. Jaysus, even the thought of it makes the arse make buttons.

21.

Everyone we know is getting a copy of this book for Christmas. We cannot, and must not, let The Blahs win. At this moment granted, we don’t know who or what The Blahs are, but as soon as we do, we’re going to shoot them mercilessly on sight because that’s just how we roll when it comes to warfare.

20.

We … this … we just don’t know.

19.

It has nothing to do with your god, Lorraine. You are just an idiot.

18.

No need to frown, Superman. Absolutely no one will buy that song.

17.

They have ‘style’ alright, but not the kind of style anyone but a severely colour-blind hipster would want to try out.

16.

… and they killed everyone they fell on.

The song ‘It’s Raining Men’ by The Weather Girls never sat well with us. Sure, it sounds pleasant – the idea that several thousand, presumably half-naked men would fall from the sky into our laps – but in reality, this song is about the tragedy of several thousand men falling to their deaths from a great height. The Weather Girls couldn’t exactly catch them all so we don’t know why the fuck they are singing about it so happily.

15.

Mmmm… delicious.

14.

We see aul Rick has been whoring himself around, breaking hearts as usual.

13.

We don’t know about you, but The President’s Plane Is Missing sounds like the best book ever written.

12.

For the women who have successfully substituted actual human contact with several dozen cats named for their dead relatives.

If you have ever started the sentence with ‘Let me tell you about this funny thing my cat did today…’ then this book is for you. Also, knock it off.

11.

Do not, under any circumstances, eat this food.

10.

Chapter One: Avoid open water. Stay on land.

Chapter Two: Read Chapter One again because you clearly didn’t understand it the first time.

9.

You can play anything when you are nestled comfortably in the lap of a sex offender.

8.

Excuse us. We need to go and vomit into the nearest bin.

7.

Why is Tarzan so clean-cut? Where did he get the utensils to shave or the gel to sweep his hair back in such a dashing way? This man does not even have a toilet. Are we supposed to believe he lounges about, chatting up apes, looking like he just waltzed out of an expensive day spa? What kind of fools do they take us for?

6.

Such a shame that the greatest novel of our generation had to be subjected to a cover that was clearly the product of a 14-year-old boy’s introduction to Photoshop.

5.

We love this cover. We love this cover so effin hard it’s a genuine struggle to take the piss out of it.

4.

What fresh hell is this?

3.

This should be made into a film as soon as possible.

2.

Really, London Catholic Truth Society? You couldn’t have called him Buttercup?

1.

You heard the book. Chop them. Dip them. Caramelise them. Shove them up yer hoop. Be bold.

For more horrifically cringey collections, why not check out our list of the 22 most baffling items for sale on Etsy, or indulge your appetite for the grotesque with the 30 worst boyband photos of all time, ever. Ever.


About the Author

Laura

Laura likes stuff, enjoys things and hates surprises.

  • http://www.emesq.com/ Colm

    Flossing is immensely satisfying. This whole article is instantly null and void.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      YOUR FACE IS INSTANTLY NULL AND VOID

      • Harry Waters

        You’re an inanimate fucking object!

        • wam

          at least he’s getting some!

          • Stephanie Mariele Mackay

            haha that conversation is awesome

  • http://twitter.com/kevmclean Wade W.

    The Elmo cover is both hilarious and terrifying simultaneously. Like Space Mountain.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO”

    • DarkerMarker

      creep

  • http://twitter.com/nuckpang Stephen R.

    I… I just realised that we have number 9 back home It’s been there for years, and my innocent mind never made that connection. Damn it, Laura, you’ve corrupted my childhood!

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      And my work here is done *flies away*

    • Aaron Garner

      Is it just me or does that guy look like Robin Williams???!!!

  • Will Fitzgerald

    Well I want to read Time Ninja…

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      You and me both

  • Sinéad

    I’m suddenly convinced that I want to make my own coffin.

    Mahogany, it’ll be, with bunting.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      It’ll be a Hello Kitty coffin for me. I shall rest as I lived – “Barely within the realms of good taste”

      • Schiffer Publishing, Ltd.

        Well, in addition to Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself, you should take a look at our title on Hello Kitty (http://tinyurl.com/l2lo7fe). We’re like the purrrrfect publisher for you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=581537685 MaryAnn McCarra

    I could use that one on beating the blahs, LOL.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Grab yer shotgun MaryAnn – we’re goin’ huntin!

  • Jennifer_McShane

    Fist, That Elmo cover really frightens me. Secondly, this list is horribly fabulous. Who knew there were so many seriously creepy covers out there?

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      ‘Horribly fabulous’ is a great term. It’s like ‘hideously cute’. Also, there were many more, I just didn’t have the heart to include them.

      • blahblah

        please do please do

    • wormgear

      LOL! You said ‘Fist’

      • MetaLibra

        I believe she meant that in response to the Penetrator…

  • Stephen W.

    Tarzan looks like he’s gonna blow his load on the monkey!

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      WAY TO LOWER THE TONE, STEPHEN

      You are quite right obviously.

    • MetaLibra

      Well the monkey’s mouth IS open…

  • Waylon Mercy

    There is a”The Penetrator” film. Look up Improv Asylum “The Penetrator”

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Thank you for this great gift.

  • Clifton

    I won’t lie. I like the green sweater in #17.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Of course you do, you saucy minx.

  • ajh

    Some of these are pretty good, except “Bombproof Your Horse.” That’s a really common term.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      I had absolutely no idea this was a real ‘thing’. Colour me educated.

      • Melleive Marce

        Very sought after trait in the equine world. My horse is only cannon proof…

      • Spiritus Mundi

        ‘Bombproofing’ is a behavior reference. Horses, if not properly trained, can be easily startled. Bombproofing means they can handle major distractions without losing focus and bolting.

  • http://twitter.com/BookHavenNZ Book Haven

    Wait till you look INSIDE the Be Bold With Bananas book. Then you’ll discover the cover is very mild indeed.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      It’s on my Christmas list. Revert back to me in December and I’ll probably agree with you

  • http://www.facebook.com/gwotton Greg Wotton

    Bombproof is actually a term used in horsemanship. Horses are flight animals and a “bombproof” horse is one who doesn’t run away if startling things happen, like kids running out, or sabre-tooth squirrels, or suddenly appearing rocks. Or, actual explosions like on a battlefield or during a Canada Day celebration. 22 shouldn’t be on the list.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      As I mentioned earlier, I had no idea prior to writing this that this was a real thing. I’m tempted from now on to jump out at any horses I encounter and check if they are properly ‘Bombproofed’. No doubt I’ll end up in hospital but THINK of the dinner party story of that time a horse kicked me in the face. It’ll be GREAT.

  • http://www.facebook.com/victoria.lambauthor Victoria Lamb Author

    My sides hurt. Stop, stop!!!

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Shucks. YOU stop *blush*

  • Laura_Boston

    24. Eat the Document. And rock your Mom Jeans whilst at it!

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      “Forget about wearing yer bra too. What are you, French?”

    • Terri Taylor

      Some friendly information for those who don’t know what “Mom jeans” are. Those aren’t “Mom jeans” on the cover. Those are “hip huggers”. The waist on Mom jeans would be up around where the word “document” is.

      • Lynsey Cowan

        I concur

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=557522278 Jennifer Allaby
    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=675288342 Robin Byrne

      No. Way. That is a shocker.

      • Mike

        I am not surprised!!!! Religious belief allows normally moral people to think and act in immoral ways. Any religious person is trying to use outdated morals from their religious texts and trying to polish a turd. (Trying to polish disgusting outdated immoral morals.)

        • http://www.facebook.com/GinnyGinGinAndMoreGin Nathanial Jai Smallwood-Wallac

          Personally I think the most entertaining part is the total and utter lack of proper grammer. Especially when it’s trying to teach you to teach.

          • Princess Rockefeller

            *grammar

    • Mike

      Oh my god, that is so horrible. This should be listed as one most disgusting books ever written. Good post!!!!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/alan.simmonds Alan Simmonds

      That should b number one

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      That’ll be in Part II then… Thanks for the suggestion!

    • holmius

      Err, isn´t the real challenge for the missionaries how to “help” the not-so-retarded find God? Or perhaps even the educated? Hehe. great post, thx.

    • Connie

      “Retarded” used to be an acceptable term way back before political correctness became popular (you know, like the “back-of-the-bus” years). Seems strange now, but this book was probably written (and titled) with only the best intentions. The times they are a changin’!

      • Princess Rockefeller

        the medical term would be mental retardation, so it’s not incorrect

        • abcd@hotmail.com

          Actually, the terms now used by doctors are “profound intellectual disability / impairment”

          • Princess Rockefeller

            My apologies for my late reply. To the best of my knowledge, a person is considered to have “profound intellectual disability” when the individual’s IQ is 20 or lower.

      • Arian

        I would note that “retarded” is a synonym of another word that *is* still used in medical discourse, “delay(ed)”. My son was said to have a “global developmental delay” before they were sure he had autism. No doubt that term will develop unpleasant connotations too in the end, and have to be replaced in its turn…

    • Monica

      The girl on the cover looks like Alex in A Clockwork Orange.

      • Too true

        Viddy this, oh my Sunday School teacher?

    • wam

      how ironic as knowing God is the first sign of being retarded.

  • http://www.facebook.com/acelynferridey Shauna Yuste

    It is hard to look past the fact that most of them could be taken in a rather sexual way

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      You’re a woman after my own heart Shauna. I can make *anything* sound dirty. I can’t in text obviously so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Assume I’m using a sexy voice.

  • Al

    The Hitchens book shouldn’t be here. I could argue why but I’m hungover as a motherf*cker

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      I take your point. The pun by Hitchens was absolutely intentional of course but the cover was just too good to pass up. If anything it’s the mental image it conjures that truly makes it ‘horrible’. Pun or no pun.

  • Mike

    My only disagreement is with Christopher Hitchens’ book, “The Missionary Position, Mother Teresa In Theory And Practice.” Time will always win out over false history (and the false history that Mother Teresa was trying to make) and his book is right on target.

    Mother Teresa was a terrible and immoral person because her “clinics” were anything but a health clinic. She took in people with various ailments and provided substandard (and sometimes no) medical treatment. Her “nurses” did not have medical training and her “patients” were all lumped into large rooms which were unclean, dirty and unhealthy. Mother Teresa should have been jailed for her disgusting “orphanages” and “clinics”.

    Mother Teresa believed that is was better for people to suffer. This is a clearly immoral way of thinking. Which is why religion is a clear and present danger to a healthy, progressive and forward moving society. Believers tryto take outdated and immoral teachings from the Bible and other religious texts and claim these immoral teachings are still moral 2 to 4,000 years later.

    Some Western media charged Mother Teresa of gross neglect and physical and emotional abuse of the people she “cared” for. And they were right. Cameras recorded the horrible conditions of her “loving facilities”.

    Instead of Mother Teresa spending her millions of dollars on modern medicine, state-of-the-art hospitals and housing for the poor, she chose to spend her money on starting convents to help promote her Bronze Age religious mythology and to recruit unsuspecting victims into her religious cult. (All religions are cults.) What a waste of time and resources by Mother Teresa. And who knows how many people died in her clinics due to lack of medical care.

    Shame on Mother Teresa, shame on her. What a horrible person. The disgusting truth about Mother Teresa can be seen on this short video documentary available on YouTube:

    Hell’s Angel: Mother Teresa by Christopher Hitchens (1 of 3)
    http://youtu.be/9WQ0i3nCx60

    Hell’s Angel: Mother Teresa by Christopher Hitchens (2 of 3)
    http://youtu.be/iKkcDgeYBdk

    Hell’s Angel: Mother Teresa by Christopher Hitchens (3 of 3)
    http://youtu.be/qGuzFUeDDgYc

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552295602 Kevin Nielsen

      it was indeed her beliefs. And those who followed her shared those same beliefs. Who are you to judge?! Eeek, such an ugly attitude towards people who have faith. Leave them be!

      • Mike

        Who am I to judge? I am a thinking human being educated in the Scientific Age. When you threaten me and the entire human race with your Bronze Age religious mythology, I will certainly defend myself until the day I die.

        All religions are human-made. Sin is a human-made concept as well. Science has already proved that all religions and superstitions are human-made. In the Scientific Age, if you have any religious or superstitious belief, you are an insult to human intelligence.

        What is religious faith? Nothing, it’s nonsense. If I say I’m a banana, do you believe me? No. And you’d be perfectly within your rights to ask me why I believe I’m a banana. If I said I know I’m a banana because I believe it to be true and it makes me feel good: 1) It does not make it true. 2) You are under no obligation to respect me or my belief of being a banana.

        This is what believers think: “If I believe it to be true, it is true.” It’s not rocket science. No amount of belief makes something a fact.

        People simply believe in religion because of their lack of knowledge of science and reasoning ability. They think, I don’t believe that science knows why we are here, so poof! God did it. Believers don’t really believe in a “god” or “gods”. They believe in the “god of the gaps”. The gaps of their lack of scientific knowledge and the gaps of their inability to reason ancient mythology through.

        If you have an invisible friend, an invisible sky daddy, people of reason laugh at you and don’t respect you or your religious beliefs. Reasonable people are simply dispelling our ignorant ancient ancestors religious mythology who knew nothing about the nature of the universe we live in. What is religion? It’s a failed science. It’s nothing.

        Shame on you for defending the bullies of all religious mythologies. Shame on you. Bullies (religious believers-believing in a disgusting mythology which damns all of humanity, unless you join their cult) hate it when their victims (people of reason and intelligence) fight back. And we will never stop fighting back.

        It’s time for everyone in the human race to get out of the Bronze Age and step into the Scientific Age.

        • LV

          Wow, you seem like a very angry person. Religion can be used for good or evil – same as science. Scientists and ‘people of reason’ have done things that are just as heinous as the worst religious preachers… I don’t think it’s fair to paint something as evil simply because it is a religious belief. If you have a problem with Mother Theresa (whom I don’t know enough about to make a full judgement, though it seems like some help is better than no help whatsoever) then take it up with her, not the faith she believed in.

          There is a difference between faith and religion as well. I think you’d find some interesting information about some of the more spiritually based faiths of the world rather than concentrating on highly traditional and strict religious doctrines, which have a more narrow and concentrated view of right and wrong.

          Besides, until science has all the answers to all the questions, I think it’s unfair to poo-poo the idea of a higher being. I’m agnostic (neither religious or firmly atheist) and I’d rather wait till we have actual answers on the creation of life, etc. before I decide to assume that all of one belief or another are just idiots who aren’t educated enough.

          • Mike

            I am angry? You are wrong. I am not angry, I am furious! I am furious at anyone, who like sheep to the slaughter, gives free rein to any religious organization (or belief) which devalues all of humanity.

            The moronic myth of original sin. Knowledge is not humankind’s downfall, knowledge is humanity’s greatest asset.

            The problem with religion is that it’s followers claims it to be divine. How could religion be used for evil? You are telling me that your underachieving “god” took zero precautions so that religion could never be used for evil? How could you claim something is divine yet can be used for evil. This makes no sense.

            A god with zero forethought. Not good. If I were you, I’d find a more intelligent and more loving god. And a god with forethought.

            Science and knowledge can be used for good or bad but science is not claiming to be of divine origin. This is the difference. Your argument fails when you compare a “divine” organization with a secular one. If religion was divine, it would be… divine and not riddled with human problems and human evil.

            Again, with all believers, you don’t address each and every one of my points because it’s impossible to support a Bronze Age mythology against someone with the entire Scientific Age backing them.

            The huge problem with believing in any higher power or force is that people are making a claim that no one could possibly know. You are lying to yourself and others. Region is a failed science, it’s a guess, it’s fake and it’s simply not true.

            Science shows us that it’s easy to fool ourselves. Which is one reason we use science, to keep from fooling ourselves. Science is also the best method we have, to date, to understand the true nature of the universe we live in.

          • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

            *skips merrily into conversation*

            *looks around*

            *backs out of argument slowly*

          • http://twitter.com/Komibear Komal J. Verma

            ‘A god with zero forethought. Not good. If I were you, I’d find a more intelligent and more loving god. And a god with forethought.’

            This is no doubt based on a reaction to the primal idea of a god that is angry and ‘human.’ So you’ve described a human when the nature of ‘god’ is something beyond the realm of human thought, labels, distinctions and comprehension. I doubt any form of higher universal energy needs concepts like forethought. That is a human idea. Not everyone who is religious or spiritual has this primal idea of god (or what you so callously call ‘Bronze Age mythology’). Also, science is just another human construct, used to better understand and determine things. Like religion, it’s another language to understand and process existence – it’s rather dangerous and foolhardy to think it is better; it’s just a shift, using different terminology.

            Really though, it just seems highly silly to being posting this on a such a fun, light hearted post. Darn shame really.

          • Q

            Mike,
            God had the foresight to allow us to have free choice to decide whether to follow him or not. You seem to believe that for God to be successful he should have made us all into robots who blindly follow him in a perfect world with no problems. Satan is a fallen angel whose sole purpose is to convince people to believe exactly as you do. In fact right now I’m pretty sure that I’m debating with him. He is just using you as one of his many vessesl for spreading confusion, hatred, and human egotisical malevolence as it relates to the science you speak of. Religion is a human institution and is therefore not perfect. God and his son Jesus Christ however are both divine AND perfect. There were dozens of witnessess to life and death of Jesus Christ. There were roughly a dozen witnesses to his resurection and ascention. How could someone make up the Bible? When Jesus died for our sins, it changed the rules of the Old Testament because he became the sacrificial Lamb for all mankind. He taught us to love the Lord your God and love our neighbor as thyself. Why does that offend you? I would recomend that you put your anger aside and read the New Testament. Salvation is a free gift that only comes through accepting and believing what Jesus did for you. If you do this, then you will eventually find yourself in a place that has none of the human problems or evil that this world does.

          • Mike

            1) Claiming to know a god is claiming the impossible. No amount of belief makes something a fact. The reason why people believe in a god or gods is because they are replacing lack of scientific knowledge with religious mythology and/or supersitions.

            It’s called, “god of the gaps”. That is, if someone thinks that science does not understand something (or the person does not know if science knows something), then the believer simply makes the false claim that, “God did it.” For example, “I don’t understand how the universe was created. Wa la… I have the answer: God did it.” Or “I don’t understand why we are here. Wa la… I have the answer, “God did it.” I don’t understand my purpose. Wa la… I have the answer: “God give me my purpose.”

            In the Scientific Age, what is sad is believers are actually quite stupid. Science has many answers about the nature of the universe. Science knows many things. Science has a very good understanding of how the universe was created and how human beings and life evolved. It’s called the Big Bang and Evolutionary Biology. We know our purpose. We make our own purpose because we are thinking sentient beings.

            Science does not claim to have all the answers, unlike religion. Science does not fear the unknown and science does not fear if it does not have all the answers. If religion had all the answers, we wouldn’t need science. Religious belief is based on fear–not good for you. “I’m glad I am believer, so I won’t go to hell.” “I’m afraid of death, I better believe in Christianity”. All that religion has done is try to hinder scientific progress. Basing an organization on fear and working to hinder science are two or many reasons why religion is harmful to a healthy, forward moving and progressive society.

          • Mike

            2) On Free will. Science has already debunked the religious notion of free will. You can read neuroscientist Sam Harris article about Free Will here online: http://www.samharris.org/free-will

          • Mike

            3) I never said a “god” should make us robots. This proves that Christians are very willing to be immoral based on their belief in pleasing their invisible sky daddy. You feel that if you lie for your invisible friend, you are pleasing him. If you are pleasing your invisible friend, you have accomplished a moral action.

            This is why the religious don’t understand the first thing about being moral. Here is a moral challenge for you. Name one Bible verse which explains why something is moral or immoral. I DID NOT SAY TO QUOTE BIBLE COMMANDMENTS.

          • Mike

            4) After reading your last comments, one last thought on the myth of original sin. Shame on you for believing in and supporting a hate organization. Christian belief: “There is something wrong with you because you were born human.” Shame on you for promoting this immoral disgusting belief about the human race.

            Knowledge is not humankind’s downfall, knowledge is humanity’s greatest asset. Sin is fake, there is no such thing as sin. Sin is a human-made concept. Why would anyone in their right mind want to be part of an organization where they claim it’s moral to hate humanity (unless you join their cult) and where knowledge and thinking is belittled.

            On sacrifice. Scapegoating has been something that most of our ancient ignorant ancestors claimed to be of value to their society. There have even been societies where people were glad to be chosen to be sacrificed to please their “god”. Christianity just freshened up self-sacrifice with their own “god” becoming the scapegoat.

            First, what is bizarre is this. If your “god” has unlimited power, knowledge and creativity, why did your “god” just freshen-up the old practice of scapegoating? Why not think of something original?

            And look at the options for your underachieving “god”. Heaven or hell. Does this sound like a wise proclamation of a “god” or the ramblings of ancient ignorant bigoted intolerant racist sexist disgusting Middle Eastern men from about 2,000 to 4,000 years ago?

            Your god has never hear of rehabilitation? So, your “god” is so useless that “he” couldn’t rehabilitate people after millions or billions of years? I think you to get a more powerful, creative thinking and compassionate “god”. Where is the compassion in a hell? You have one mean “god”. Keep your disgusting and immoral “god” away from me.

            Think about how stupid heaven and hell is. Finite sin equals infinite punishment. Where is the justice?

            Sin is fake. But let’s pretend for this example that sin is real. We know that a person can only do a finite amount of sin in a lifetime. (Finite = you can count it.)

            So let’s say Person A sinned 10,000 times in his lifetime. Now, you are saying that after millions or billions or trillions of years of hell, this is fair punishment for just 10,000 sins? There’s no rehabilitation?

            If I steel a DVD from Target and I get the death penalty for it, you’d certainly say, “Where’s the justice?” And we can question your “gods” idea of heaven and hell. Why? Because we ARE thinking human beings and we can think for ourselves.

            The question to ask this. What is more likely? Did “god” make man or did many men make many “gods”.

            When you start with the premise that “god” made man, you find there are many problems with the teachings of your religion that you have to ignore to be a believer. There are many unanswered questions and a lot of rationalization has to take place to be a believer.

            When you start with the premise that many men made many “gods”. Then it’s easy to see why religion is filled with problems, contradictions and is filled with immoral teachings from our ignorant ancient ancestors.

          • Princess Rockefeller

            You said: “when Jesus died for our sins, it changed the rules of the Old Testament” … not accrding to Matthew 5:17, “do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets, I have come not to abolish but to fulfill” … and … Matthew 5:18-19, “Till Heaven and Earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men, so shall be called least in the Kingdom of Heaven …”
            Furthermore, there’s a lot of contradiction. For example, Luke 14:26, “If any man come to me, and not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sister, yet, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple”
            Perhaps you are not equipped to argue in favour of the bible.

        • Farmer Loys

          Scientist BELIEVED the world was flat for centuries. Scientist believed there are only four elements that everything is made up of for centuries. I love science but I know it is merely our current best guess and it can change 180 degrees when enough people BELIEVE something new. And anyone who denounces all religions out of hand has a closed and feeble mind.

          • Mike

            Science adjusts its views based on what’s observed. Faith is the denial of observation so that belief can be preserved. Science is not based on belief. Science is based on knowledge.

            It’s not rocket science. If I say, “I’m a banana, do you believe me?” You might say, “No, I don’t believe you because you are a human being. And you’ve just made an outrageous claim”.

            However, I might say, “But I believe it in my heart that I’m a banana. I wouldn’t want to live in a world where I don’t believe I’m a banana. You can have this same belief too. All it takes if faith and poof! You are a banana.”

            Think about how stupid believers in a “god” or “gods” sound. “I know for sure, there is a god! In fact, I have a personal relationship with a ‘god’ “. Thunder and lightening. Talk about arrogance. Claiming to know a “god” is an outrageous claim.

            If I claim that I know everyone in the world personally, you’d laugh at me and tell me I’ve made an outrageous claim. This is why we laugh at believers. They are making stupid outrageous claims.

            Claiming to know a “god” is claiming the impossible. The problem with belief is the word “belief” itself. Just because you believe something to be true, does not make it true. If I say I’m a millionaire, it does not make it true. If I say that I will live after a I die, just because I can imagine it to be true, does not make it true,

            It’s actually quite bizarre that people are so easily fooled by religious belief–that is religious mythology. All religions claim the proof they are real is belief. They can’t all be true because many religions claim they are the one and only true religion.

            It’s important to ask yourself this. What is more likely? Did “god” create man or did many men create many gods? Just because you might not understand how life evolved on earth doesn’t make your religion true and your lack of understanding evolutionary biology does not make evolutionary biology not true.

            Science (from Latin scientia, meaning “knowledge”) is a systematic enterprise that builds and organizes knowledge in the form of testable explanations and predictions about the universe.

            Science
            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Science

            You can read about many cultures which thought the earth was flat in these below web pages.

            Flat Earth
            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flat_Earth

            Spherical Earth
            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spherical_Earth

            I think the most important question to ask is what is religion? It’s a failed science. Religion and superstitions were man’s first attempt at trying to explain the world around us and our ancient ancestors got it horribly wrong.

            Why would anyone in the Scientific Age want to be fooled by our ignorant ancestors when we have such wonderful, incredible knowledge about the world around us due to modern science? It all boils down to education.

            Either you want to have a 21st century conversation or Bronze Age conversation. All religions and superstitions are human-made.

            Science loves criticism, debate, discussion, argument, questioning, doubt, scrutiny, evidence, critical thinking, thinking for yourself, the scientific method, discarding out bad ideas and bringing in new ideas, getting at the real truth and being told they are wrong (if new evidence is found and science is actually wrong, science loves to know it was wrong and then corrects the situation).

            Believers hate criticism, debate, discussion, argument, questioning, doubt, scrutiny, evidence, critical thinking, thinking for yourself, the scientific method, discarding out bad ideas and bringing in new ideas, getting at the real truth, being told they are wrong and science (sometimes believers hate science, some ignore it, and others only hate science when it outs their religion or religious faith as the mythology that it is).

            See the problem with religion? Religion is only open to what it says to be true. Science is open to anything, ANYTHING, if it’s true. And religion is not.

            The fact is this: All religions are human-made. In the Scientific Age, it’s simply stupid to think that any of our ancient mythologies are true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=564361715 Jeff Maughan

    I think you’ve rather missed the point of the Hitchens book.

    • Mike

      No, I did not. That fact that Hitchens used all these words in combination on his book cover IS the truth. Hitchens is pointing out that Mother Teresa is a fraud. Science has shown that all religions are human-made. Period. This is one of many books which have been written, which in effect, are urging people to get the hell out of the Bronze Age and into the Scientific Age.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=564361715 Jeff Maughan

        I know all that. My point is that the title is a conscious play on words, unlike the humour contained in the titles of the other books, which is unintentional.

        The way its described in the article makes it sound like the author doesn’t get the joke.

        • Mike

          If you don’t know about Christopher Hitchens, I suppose one might think this. However, myself having read Hitchens (and watched many of his videos online), I’m sure he knew exactly what he was writing and that the title and his word choice was completely intentional.

          • Mike

            Or maybe I’m completely off base!!!!!

          • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

            You are not Sir. You are quite right.

        • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

          Ach I did. If it was a Hitchens book, it was definitely an intentional pun. I still think it’s a horrible book cover which is why it make the list. Nothing could be more disturbing than reading the words ‘Mother Theresa’ and ‘Missionary Position’ in close succession. I’m a pretty visual person and that made me very upset. Very upset indeed.

          • sam

            lol, pretty sure that was his point – that we should all be very upset and uncomfortable with mother theresa. was an interesting book

  • Danilo

    Missionary Position shouldn’t be included. The pun is very intentional

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      A very intentional pun yes but still an awful… AWFUL book cover.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=552295602 Kevin Nielsen

    am I the only one who realised that it states “top 34 top ten book covers…” Is it TOP TEN or TOP 34?? lol. nonetheless, awesome list!!!

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Ahh this is completely intentional, good Sir. No ‘Top Ten’ on Ramp will be exactly 10 entries. This is just the kind of chaos we get off on at Ramp HQ. If you do find a Ramp Top Ten that happens to be exactly 10, please notify us immediately and we’ll have the writer swiftly shot.

  • Kris

    Just discovered these. Fantastic!

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Thank you for reading!

  • Kris
    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      I am now. Thank you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=695132914 John Green
    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Thank you! I’m adding these to Part II. I’ll not do better job than Mr Manuel but I’ll gladly borrow (*cough* Steal *cough*) the images

  • http://www.facebook.com/alan.simmonds Alan Simmonds

    Who would win in a fight? The Penetrator or Time Ninja?

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      C’mon Alan. CLEARLY it’s the dude in Mind Pump.

  • Cassandra Mosier

    Christopher Hitchens is an a(anti-)theist whose book title was a deliberate double entendre. He speaks on the kindness and moral fortitude on which Mother Theresa’s theory was based, in contrast to the misleading and often irreconcilable actions she took in practice. The title and cover are meaningful and intentional. No error there.

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      A lot of people seem to have read this book. I feel like I’m missing out now.

  • Marc

    Laura, this is one of the best columns I have ever read! Cant. Stop. Laughing! Thanks!

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Wow. Thank you! That has made my day :)

  • Irene P

    We have the tractor one…there is a sequel.

    • http://twitter.com/ramp_ie Ramp.ie

      Don’t tease us…

      Seriously?

  • http://vovinyl.blogspot.com/ FangsFirst

    I’m trying to find an interview where Tractor Sex Fatality explains the origin of their band’s name, but I can’t. Suffice it to say, they got it from a real obituary.

  • Bradford

    I have a small collection

  • John Holliday

    So, number 10 means to stay out of the White House?

  • http://twitter.com/just4kixbooks Jan Hurst-Nicholson

    I have a copy of Be Bold With Bananas Ha Ha. If you have them growing in your garden you’re always looking for new uses – but no, I haven’t tried that one!

  • http://www.facebook.com/CMBarrett.Author Connie Barrett

    The more I look at this list—and I admit to a horrible compulsion to do so—the more I realize that the awful covers probably provide a mere hint of the awfulness within. In other words, these books CAN be judged by their covers.

  • Cheirth Smith

    I’ve grown quite found of “Cooking with Pooh.” Tasty dishes!!

  • Andrew McDougall

    My biggest problem in life is those frickin’ huge ships. I live in the most central part of the UK but just cannot stay clear of them – thank god for this book.

  • http://www.facebook.com/norman.snook Norman Snook

    I intend to purchase every single one of these books. I told my better half that The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories was going to be our new coffee table book. It’s like harlequin romance for guys. She said we’d put it in the bathroom and have the coffin book as the coffee table book. At first I was wondering why we’d put a book about lesbians in the bathroom. But then it hit me. I hope the pages don’t get stuck together.

  • Andre Previn

    Obviously number eight is the name of Woody Allen’s autobiography.

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  • artguy

    Many of these books are ironic by design, not by accident. Makes the author of the article seem rather thick-headed.

  • Katt

    This cover was not really well thought out!

  • http://www.facebook.com/littlemarin Jennifer Howard

    These are just too funny!

  • JoJo

    This article is mistitled. I think you mean “horrible book titles.” Only four or five (out of 35) of your comments are actually about the cover, rather than the title (or subject matter). Considering what it’s about, for example, the cover of “How to Avoid Large Ships” seems perfectly appropriate, tasteful, and inoffensive.

  • Emily

    Am I the only person who has a problem with this being ’34 top ten worst book covers’?

  • Ragazza Milano XincontriAdulti

    Thanks for the info

  • http://twitter.com/yosurvivor Hugo Ruíz

    Hahahahaha hilarious! xD

  • Noelle

    I quite like the “!?” after the woman airline pilot subtitle. Like it’s the CRAZIEST THING THEY’VE EVER HEARD. And I agree that ‘The President’s Plane is Missing’ sounds riveting. This should have been the title of the movie ‘Air Force One’. Much more catchy.

  • Widdink

    Number 31, The Missionary Position by Christopher Hitchens is completely intentional. The book heavily criticised Mother Theresa.

  • dfaf

    I don’t know why you’re hating on Christopher Hitchens cover…the title is purposeful and mocking. I think it’s a perfectly developed title, and I’m going to guess you haven’t even read the book.

  • http://www.conservativefiction.com/blog/author-pages/ Jamie Wilson

    I read Shag the Pony when I was a little girl! How things change when one understands the connotations of words. . .

  • Pix Paragon

    You’ve obviously tried hard with the commentary, but truly… humor is not your forté.

    • thestupiditburns

      Forte; it’s “forte,” not “forté,” you pseudo-intellectual lame-ass. Truly…you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

  • BoredO

    A woman’s guide to beating the Blahs. If we’re talking Tony and Cherie, I’m in the queue. Where’s me stick?

  • Leslie Montgomery

    Whoever wrote this has the greatest sense of humor. You should be a comedian. Hilarious!!!!!!

  • WingedWolfPsion

    “Games You Can Play With Your Pussy” IS, in fact, a joke. It’s meant to be taken that way. (It’s also hilarious, you should read it).

  • Adrianne Braun

    For your consideration: the children’s book “Don’t Call Me Fatso” http://fiercefatties.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/fatso2.jpg

  • iijna

    The Penetrator looks like Ray Romano with a moustache

  • James_Roy
  • Raven Amos

    Just a note – “bombproofing” your horse is an actual thing. In this case, “bombproofing” simply means that the horse is hard to spook. You can load them up into a trailer, fire a gun while on their backs, introduce them to new situations and they won’t buck you off or try to stomp you into a mud puddle, or flee in terror.

  • Observationist

    Most of these covers lack the “BRAZZERS” logo…

  • DarkerMarker

    I am totally buying the Practical Pyromaniac. Thank You for my newest hobby

  • Pencils

    I used to work at a publisher with an open submissions policy, and I saw a lot of self-published books with covers similar to these. They weren’t the best though, the best came with crayoned illustrations. I wish I were kidding.

  • Old Patriot

    I’ve read “The President’s Plane is Missing” — it’s quite good. Haven’t read the one pictured… Some of these covers would give me nightmares if they were on my shelves. Others are just inane, or totally idiotic.

  • Mr. Nikita Cat

    Personally, I don’t see what the fuss is about #20 & #27 Maybe it’s because I have made it m business to defend that word from the vulgarians. :-D

    http://www.opinionatedpussycat.com/2010/01/may-i-have-a-word.html

  • Elder Keithulhu

    I actually know Dale Power, author of entry 29. I will not pretend that the title and cover are a great choice but I would like to say that it is part of a series on woodworking and cabinetry. Also, with very slight modifications, a coffin can make an effective coffee table / blanket chest / Halloween prop. Being able to open half the storage area without completely clearing off the table is really handy.

  • Otowner5

    The covers aren’t as lame as the commentary.

  • pkgsf96

    LOL

    but for real. a “bombproof” horse is a horse so well-trained you could blow up a bomb near him, and he wouldn’t spook. it’s a pretty common term.

  • http://www.comedycomedycomedy.com/comedy/ Mark Feigenbutz

    Yeah, Hitchens kind of intended that. Wasn’t a big fan.

  • http://www.myqute.com/blog kelly

    Very interesting book covers! I find 22, 24, 26, 28, 29 most irrelevant to their own book titles or too “plain”. 20 and 27 are funny. And 7 is actually beautiful. :)

  • DeeDee Cameron

    Holy mother of monkeys (including the one Tarzan’s about to molest), I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. Also, since I use funny cat pics as my profile picture, may I use #20 in the future? There are a few people on my friends list that I haven’t completely offended yet.

  • Simon

    I’m pretty sure #20 is photoshopped. You can see it from the different shade of yellow in the letters of the word “Pussies”. It’s probably not the only one.

  • Tony Romo

    #33 is a fake book with an on purpose bad cover.

  • Drew

    Just curious, have you actually read any of these books or are you just judging them by their cover?

  • Seeker Rekees

    Actually on # 31, HITCHEN, an atheist, probably wanted to have that mocking title.

  • valerie i. vanorden

    Omgosh this is funny. Thank you.

  • Andrew

    That Hitchens cover is immense.

  • Nick Pogar

    #31 is irrelevant as Christopher Hitchens, an immensely intelligent, poignant journalist, was also a prominent atheist and staunchly opposed to organized religion. With this in mind, the title was, of course, meant to be offensive and tongue-in-cheek.

  • esuassuna

    Inspiração

  • http://djmeph.net/ DJ Meph

    The Hitchens book is very good, spot on, and aptly titled.

  • MistressWinowyll

    Please excuse me. I need to go bleach my eyes and then slam my head into a wall a few times.

  • ScottV

    #2 is all wrong. I wouldn’t Shag a Pony with Peter Crabbe! Curse those London Catholics.

  • Pandoraly

    I’m afraid I can reference the cover of #4: Venusia. The Story of O (a French novel about female submission) ends with the main character being dressed up and displayed at a party in nothing but an owl mask with feathers down her back. I’m sure that is what von Schlegell is referencing.

  • Tim Boyd

    Though not a book cover, one of my favorite book illustrations was in 101 Uses for a Dead Cat, by Simon Bond. On page 48, a guy is trying to use a cat as a pencil sharpener, and he sticks the pencil up the cat’s butt.

  • Ricardo

    Help! I “wee’d” my pants! But…. wasn’t the quest for knowledge the main event in the Dark Ages? So never judge a book by its…(yeah we get it) We’ve judged. I won’t be enlightened any further.

  • Reginald E. Ento

    #27

  • Mic

    As a child one of my favourite books was called “Spunky the Donkey”. I’ve never really recovered.

  • Kaylee6

    #2: Freddie Mercury, is that you?

  • Jeremy Strain

    The Hitchens’ one is undoubtedly intentional

  • MetaLibra

    I think #29 just about killed me. Seriously. I stopped breathing there for a while…

  • Kirk A

    The cover of this article says “Thirty-Four Top Ten Book Covers.” How silly!

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  • JM

    The men who love tractors is for real (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8454997): “We report two cases in which men used the hydraulic shovels on tractors to suspend themselves for masochistic sexual stimulation. One man developed a romantic attachment to a tractor, even giving it a name and writing poetry in its honor. He died accidentally while intentionally asphyxiating himself through suspension by the neck, leaving clues that he enjoyed perceptual distortions during asphyxiation.”

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