MacGuyvering Valentine’s: How To Get A Last Minute Gift In A Petrol Station
There is a Joseph O’Connor play called Red Roses and Petrol. I’ve never seen it, and I don’t know what it’s about, but I’ve always imagined that it’s about a man buying a last-minute Valentine’s gift at a garage and trotting home to his beloved to explain why windscreen wiper blades or a tube of toothpaste are thoughtful and romantic. That being true or not, the reality of forgetting Valentine’s Day is a fascinating one. It’s that point at which two people can diverge… one loving it, the other not giving much of a shite but feeling obliged to perform. And that’s where we come in. Because if you forget, and if you’re left with just a 24 hour shop full of tat to MacGuyver your way out of an awkward situation, well, we’ve come up with some foolproof ways to describe that tat as romantic tat. Huzzah!
Most any garage worth its salt should have an overpriced box of Celebrations on sale. Here’s what you do: buy said Celebrations (actually, buy as many boxes as will amount to 365 sweets). Also buy some paper and a pen and use eleven sheets to create a makeshift calendar. Here’s the rub: every Monday becomes Marsday, Tuesday becomes Twixday and so on. Why? Because they’re not just your valentine, every day with them is a Celebration. You thoughtful bastard you.
♥ Cloakroom Tickets
This one’s efforty. You must present your other half with the stubs from a book of cloakroom tickets, wherein you have written on the back of each corresponding half a thing that you will do when it is redeemed. It’s a little cooler than those naff IOU sexytimes vouchers from shops like uber-awesome Urban Outfitters, because a) your other half never knows what they’re redeeming (it’s like the raffle version of a packet of Revels) and b) it’s not all about sexytimes. Suggested redemptive items include holding hands (d’aw), a quick feel (rawr), buying them dinner (look, you got them fucking cloakroom tickets for Valentine’s Day…), going for a drive, allowing them one frapetastic frape on your Facebook, giving them full rights over naming the first child, or writing them a proper love letter.
♥ Allll the magazines
Step 1: Buy allll the magazines. Step 2: Create a magazine for your better half containing only stories that they will like. Call it The [Person's Name] Times. Practically everyone has at some point pointed out that magazines are shite these days. You will look like a visionary who listens to them. If you superlove them an easier way to do this one is to buy The Irish Times and handwrite in an engagement notice for the two of you in the Hatches, Matches and Dispatches. Include a card that says ‘Find the one piece of news in here that matters’. Suave.
Much like all of the other naff shit we’ve been suggesting, this is a bit naff. Grab a map of Ireland and on the reverse draw a roadmap of your life together… the date you met, the date you decided it’s-official-I-should-stop-
♥ The works
Ham. Bread. Taytos. Biccies. Drinks. Get all your picnic stuff together and pray like the bejaysus that there’s a blanket out in the car because you, sunshine, are off on a romantic evening drive in the middle of February. Freezyballs is what you get when you forget the day of love.
♥ A Mills and Boon
Petrol stations are notable for selling the most godawful remaindered books known to man or woman… and the odd cheeky Mills&Boon. Buy book. Replace heroine’s name with other half’s name throughout book. Reenact book. (Try not to get one where it’s set in medieval times, you don’t look like you’d be much cop at removing her lingerie with three flicks of a sword. Sorry.)
♥ Lottery Tickets
And the card says… ‘I hope you win, because I feel like I’ve won the lotto every day. Mwah xxxxxxx’.
♥ A sandwich
If your other half is in any way sound this is what they actually wanted. Cool people are 100% delighted and satisfied by sandwiches. If you really need to know what to say it’s ‘I got you a sandwich because you’re a hungry fucker and I love you anyway.’
‘Because I’m about to rip that other pair off you in an unbelievable night of pleasure. Babe, if you thought Walkers were a taste sensation…’
Now off you pop you romantic so-and-so, and get yourself rewardysex.