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Movies: Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II – A Halfarsed Review

Posted November 22, 2012 by Ramp.ie in Humour
Twishite Breaking Dawn Part Poo

The producers apparently refused to hold press screenings for Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 which is confusing because, at this point, no one is going to hop in on the Twilight train. If you fucking hated all the Twilight films up until now, or simply hate the people in it, hate vampires and everything Twilight(y), then even if you read a five star review you’d hardly be running to the cinema to check out part 4b. Likewise, if you love Twilight, then you are going to see this regardless. It could get no stars in the paper and you’d still need the closure.

So that bit we don’t get. Now, that said, Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 is seriously atrocious. This film is so bad it verges on the bizarre. We understand fully why it’s so shit: they padded out the last movie to two parts and the second bit has only about 25 minutes of actual content. There are so many ‘sitting around’ scenes, it starts to feel like some sort of mumblecore indie movie where they’re establishing deep character personalities, except they don’t establish anything. They just sit around for fucking ages waiting for the movie to finish.

The Volturi just seem to appear on minor technicalities, like when the vampire code of conduct is broken. They’re like… the County Council for vampires.

60% of this movie is the characters sat about in the Cullen house in the woods talking about the Volturi coming to get them. The Volturi are intended to be like, the rulers of the vampires – kings or what have you – but really, they do nothing that concerns any of the vampires’ day-to-day lives. The vampires all go on and on about eating people and killing each other and knocking up non-vampires and fighting with werewolves and all the other stuff they do and no one gives a fuck. Instead, the Volturi just seem to appear on minor technicalities, like when the vampire code of conduct is broken. They’re like… the County Council for vampires, arriving down for a site visit to the Cullens to have some sort of heated planning meeting with them and their mates.

So that’s most of the movie. The Cullens basically make up a petition up for this council to prove they didn’t break Vampire Law 42 Subsection B.

Then in the second part, the impish faced vampire girl and the bulging-eyed curly-haired fella disappear off one night and they leave Bella a note – something that makes no sense, written on a page of The Merchant Of Venice. It takes Bella about four scenes of dedicated shots of her reading this note to cop that she has a copy of The Merchant Of Venice on her shelf which the page has been ripped out of and in there is ANOTHER note with an address.

She goes cross country, meets a shady business man in a restaurant and sort of blags to him that she knows the story. They have a ten minute cagey, ‘cat and mouse’ type conversation and he hands her an envelope with two fake passports. Here we have 20-30 minutes of the film dedicated to what in any other film would be a 2 minute scene of the protagonist in an alley getting handed a brown envelope.

Passports got. Done. Apparently one of the passports is for the wolf chap who, unless there was some crime he committed in the past, has a clean passport which is fine to use anyway. If he had committed a crime you can be sure they’d have dedicated 30 minutes of screen time to it.

It’s around this point of the running time this writer started to wonder why, in a film with about twenty players in it, they didn’t give two or three of them a side plot to pad this out a bit better.

Bella’s dad is totally down with it.

Bella’s dad SORT OF has this very strange thing going on where he thinks his daughter is dead. Then he’s brought to the house in the woods where his daughter is alive, but she won’t tell him anything about what’s going on or where she’s been or who is this baby (that looks really like her) that she has apparently ‘adopted’, as her new-in-laws stand around Da looking like some sort of well-dressed cult… and he’s totally down with it. He brings them all for Christmas dinner without a care in the world. Bella’s mother doesn’t even get her customary phone call scene in this one. She presumably just lost interest in all these quare goings on in Alaska where her gun-toting depressed ex-husband lives alone with her daughter who goes disappears a couple of times a year and got married at 17 and went missing on her honeymoon.

So, with the writer apparently having chosen to ignore all of these potentially annoying bits of plot, we settle in for a meet-and-greet of the good vampire gang. The vampires we know are all a bit shite, so these lads have some magic powers to spruce up the final battle scene, like being able to control the elements and tazer people and a few other sort of X-Men things.

So then the big scene arrives. And we think: ‘this is surely going to rival the massive row at the end of Harry Potter, or The Lord of the Rings’.

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We do actually get 5 to 10 minutes of a sort of decent watch. They all do that thing where in movies they have a fight scene and despite there being a shit ton of people fighting, everyone sort of conveniently pairs off. No one gets a sly kick in the back off a passer-by or anything.

ANYWAY, they start killing off the regulars left right and centre. It’s brilliant. It’s like someone in the script department spontaneously grew balls. The ‘control the elements’ guy opens up a hole in the ground that seems to go down as far as the earth’s molten core, and they start fucking everyone into it and you’re wondering how the elements guy (who looks really like one of JLS) even let the fight get this far. He could have just whirlwinded them all to space or something.

And then the haymaker… it’s all a fucking dream! It’s a vision of WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED as told by the impish faced girl to the county council head guy and because head guy gets killed he calls it a day and they all go home.

No one dies.

They didn’t break the rules.

They get to lie in a field of flowers smooching and the werewolf guy hooks up with Edward and Bella’s 7 year old daughter.

We’re not messing about that, by the way. Just to repeat – the werewolf guy and Bella’s daughter become (what is very much suggested by one last dialogue-free shot) romantically involved. Bella and Edward are there too, fucking fine with this, hugging them both.

And roll credits! Quick…before anyone starts to ask about this shit.

Tucker Awesomeo

Tucker Awesomeo is currently writing a short profile synopsis to describe himself. It’s not going all that well to be fair. Something something la la la leee loooo laaa. @tuckerawesomeo

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  • http://www.ramp.ie/ Lisa McInerney

    You know, considering Stephenie Meyer’s… um, legacy, it’s completely unsurprising that the “IT WAS ALL A DREAM” device was used without a shred of irony.

    Well played, you classy fuckers.

  • wikkyboy

    this tucker guy sounds like a douche

  • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

    “They get to lie in a field of flowers smooching and the werewolf guy hooks up with Edward and Bella’s 7 year old daughter”
    Surely this just sums up the entire franchise? What a mental, mental series.
    I fucking outright REFUSE to refer to it as a ‘Saga’ like they do in all the adverts. It is NOT a fucking Saga.

    • http://twitter.com/Sarklor Ciaran O’Brien

      Ah, so my friends weren’t really lying about the “dog fucks baby!” segment. It sounds exactly as bad as I’d imagined it. Does Meyers dictate the story to a typist, or is she actually allowed to handle a sharp object like a pen?

      • http://www.ramp.ie/ Lisa McInerney

        Crayon, I’d wager.

  • http://twitter.com/beatingblog Karen Mulreid

    I’ve read all the Twilight books and I’ve seen all the movies and I actually dragged my really ill carcass off the couch on Saturday to be driven to the cinema to see this.

    And then I dragged my really ill carcass back home wondering why I had bothered. I was SO disappointed with it. Bella’s ‘angry face’ just made me howl laughing, not much happened, there was a lot of angst… the kid was computer generated at the start, really badly. I just … I left my sick bed, FOR THIS?!

    Ah, I don’t know what I was expecting, I know, it’s a load of shite. But I expected a bit more than this, I really did.

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