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Sure would you not have a small bit?

 

The Five Biggest Crimes Against Ireland As Perpetrated By Hollywood

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Posted March 19, 2013 by Laura in Movies

Begorrah! Top of the mornin’ to ye! Kiss me Blarney Stone, etc.

Make no mistake, Reader. Hollywood hates Ireland.

Sure there is nothing wrong with them helping people (mostly Americans) think that we live in a beautiful emerald Narnia where people spend their days in pubs, singing and conversing with various mythological creatures, but sometimes it can get a bit frustrating, especially when you are trying to take a film seriously but can’t get over the factual inaccuracies of Brad Pitt claiming he lived ‘on the shore of the Lough Neagh’ while in the same breath claiming he’s from (the actually landlocked) Cookstown.

How will we ever get over our alcoholic, fighting, twinkly-eyed, rapscallion stereotype if Hollywood keep churning out the same old nonsense? We even have hipsters and Google offices and mostly functioning light transit systems here now for God’s sake, but everyone (again, mostly Americans) think we’re still mad for an aul potato and dreaming of the new world.

 

5. No one has an accent that sounds even remotely like an Irish accent

Why can’t they just cast an Irish actor? We have so many good ones with readymade, silver-screen-friendly faces. Why must they subject us to accents so bad they make us want to slowly claw off our skin?

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*shudder*

Examples: Justin Theroux – Charlie’s Angels, Richard Gere – The Jackal, Sean Connery – The Untouchables, Cameron Diaz – Gangs of New York, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman – Far & Away, Sean Connery – Darby O’Gill and The Little People, Brad Pitt – The Devil’s Own, Julia Roberts – Michael Collins, Kim Cattrall – The Tiger’s Tail, Gerard Butler – P.S. I Love You, Tommy Lee Jones – Blown Away

 

4. Nothing makes sense in terms of travel and/or geography

From Amy Adams being diverted from Dublin to Cardiff via plane and then taking a boat past Dublin to Dingle to travel via the Cliffs of Moher in a 1970s scrap heap to go back to Dublin, to Brad Pitt taking an overnight train from Belfast to Lisburn (which is roughly a 10 minute journey), Hollywood have no intention of making anything set in Ireland make sense. Nor can they be arsed looking at a map. It’s as annoying as people calling it St Patty’s Day. *spit*

Examples: Leap Year, The Devil’s Own

 

3. Assuming that everyone north of the border is a terrorist

Contrary to popular belief, ‘We of the North’ are not all members of extreme offshoots of the IRA. We get where they are coming from – ‘One Man’s Terrorist Is Another Man’s Freedom Fighter’ is a terribly romantic and tempting thematic concept – but come on lads. It’s offensive and it’s lazy and it’s exhausted. A more modern interpretation of NI politics is a select bunch of eejits whinging about flegs while the rest of us roll our eyes and grumble about the buses being late.

Examples: Patriot Games, The Devil’s Own, The Crying Game

 

2. Trotting out characters so predictable, you could make a drinking game out of them. Such as…

THE AUL DRUNK MAN

In a film set in Ireland, the epicentre of every village is the pub and in that pub shall sit a character that the staff consider part of the furniture. He drinks Guinness. He wears a flat cap and woollen jumpers. He probably plays the fiddle. He’s almost always over 50. He sings songs about being very, very far away despite never having left his small town in his life. He knows everything about everyone. He travels either by horse and cart or bicycle but there is always a scene where he’ll stumble out of the pub to wander down a lonely dark lane singing and/or mumbling to himself. At some point, he’ll spout some unexpectedly profound wisdom to the protagonist and possibly give a cheeky wink to the camera. He’ll have a little jig in the finale.

Examples: Darby O’Gill and The Little People. Almost everyone in The Quiet Man. Almost everyone in Waking Ned Devine. The supporting cast of Leap Year and P.S. I Love You

 

THE RUGGED HANDSOME ROGUE

He is windswept and interesting. He’s unsophisticated, unrefined and loves the simple life. He’s either a farmer or a fisherman. He is secretly creative (he plays music, he paints, he sculpts or he sings) which will make the female protagonist see him in a different light halfway through the film. He’s built like a brick shithouse underneath those Aran jumpers. He probably has a dog. He doesn’t trust outsiders especially those coming from the city. He will at one point engage in a fist fight and he’ll always win.

Examples: Leap Year, P.S. I Love You, The Quiet Man, Darby O’Gill

 

THE PRIEST

There must be a Priest. Be he the elderly type to secretly neck the Communion wine; the warm, wise basic plot device type; or the Christian Brothers, ‘Beat-You-Within-An-Inch-Of-Your-Life’ type, there will always be a Priest.

Examples: Breakfast on Pluto, The Quiet Man, The Wind That Shakes The Barley, The Butcher Boy, Angela’s Ashes, Sister Act, Darby O’Gill and The Little People, Going My Way, Ondine etc, etc

 

THE LONG SUFFERING MA WITH A HEAP OF KIDS

Because we Irish just can’t keep it in our pants and God wants us to have babies to outnumber the Protestants.

 

THE FEISTY REDHEAD

She’s almost always ginger. She’s a passionate, ‘fiery’, fair colleen who knows to handle herself in a village full of men. She’s smart, capable and looking for an excuse to get out of the village. She probably looks after other members of her family. She has a temper but she’s charming about it. She stands almost exclusively with her hand on her hips judging everyone else. The male lead will harbour a thing for her. She’ll probably slap someone.

Examples: Waking Ned, The Quiet Man, The Commitments, Gangs of New York, From Hell

 

THE POLICEMAN

He’ll be a fucking eejit.

 

THE BOXER

Granted, boxing is fairly popular here in Ireland because apparently we Irish love a bit of fisticuffs, but this is an oddly specific movie trope. This Jack the Lad will be angry at his lot in life. He’s always getting into scrapes because he’s a chancer and always in the wrong place at the wrong time saying the wrong things. He usually boxes bareknuckle and he’ll almost always do it shirtless.

Examples:Becoming Jane, The Commitments, The Quiet Man, Intermission, Far And Away, Snatch, Gangs of New York

 

THE HORSE

There is always a feckin’ horse.

 

1. Assuming Irish people still live in the dark ages

We were once asked by a helpful hotel staff member, quite genuinely, if we knew how to use electrical appliances. Restraining ourselves from beating said hotel staff member across the head with a kettle, we hesitated. It’s not their fault. How could they know we have electricity when Hollywood continue to portray Ireland as a backwards, rural, stuck-in-the-dark-ages shithole? Films like Leap Year, where the wrong voltage can cause a power cut to an entire village or roads only exist to accommodate flocks of sheep or customers in a B&B have to keep up the pretence of being married in order for the religious proprietors to be comfortable with them sharing the same bed. We couldn’t possibly have cosmopolitan cities, airports with more than one terminal, pharmaceutical companies or high speed internet. We are untouched by modernity in our little thatched cottages and that’s just how Hollywood wants us.

Well you know what Hollywood? We hate you too. Get some new goddamn ideas and then go feck yourself.


About the Author

Laura

Laura likes stuff, enjoys things and hates surprises.

  • http://twitter.com/Sarklor Ciaran O’Brien

    Oh, but this hits the nail on the head. What I find strangest of all is that a lot of the time they’ll have a big name Irish actor in a film, but they’ll never get them to play an Irish character, outsourcing it to someone told to play it like Darby O’Gill. Happens in games, too. Bloody ridiculous.

    Maybe we should make a scathing stereotype of Hollywood. Where everyone is a drug fiend and, I dunno, thinks a lot of Americans don’t have maps such as in the Iraq.

  • http://www.redlemonade.blogspot.com/ Kitty Catastrophe

    Brilliant post Laura!

    Also, I believe Tommy Lee Jones treated us to a spectacularly mispronounced version of Lá Breithe Shona Dhuit in Blown Away. While making a bomb, obviously. It was really…something.

  • http://twitter.com/jymian Mike McHugh

    If I could add one movie to the Hall of Accent Shame, it’d be Ronin. Natascha McElhone and Jonathan Pryce plumb new depths of Orishness.

  • Niall Gosker

    I’ll just leave this here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVIkgK6eyn0

  • Neil

    Leap Years geography is actually is not that bad, Cardiff to Cork by boat, perfectly plausible

    • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura

      Ahh but she was aiming for Dublin! Dublin via Cork from Cardiff makes no sense

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kitty-Burnell/745911619 Kitty Burnell

      Right, but… even if you take that into account, she came out in some baffling piece of countryside instead of Cork and then didn’t take the incredibly regular bus or train to Dublin. At one stage she ended up in a train station where there was one train a day…

  • http://twitter.com/Fearganainim Fearganainim

    Those Sons of Anarchy episodes set in Belfast by way of an LA backlot had to seen to be believed. Micky Rourke in A Prayer for the dying is another abomination that should be included here. “No one touches the Priest”

  • http://www.facebook.com/george.morahan George Morahan

    Never seen The Devil’s Own, but I thought Brad Pitt’s accent in Snatch was far from the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

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