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The 6 Scariest Moments In Classic Kids Films

Posted April 29, 2013 by Lisa McInerney in Movies
The Neverending Story

Kids today. They don’t know they’re born. With more emphasis put on children’s happiness and welfare now than at any other point in history, there exists an entire generation of pudgy-middled brats who have never known the frozen grip of unadulterated terror, meaning that our planet will one day be run by a bunch of well-adjusted pragmatists who have never so much as poked a toe over the edge of disquiet. While you may be tempted to offer a hearty ‘Lucky bastards!’ to them, the fact remains that panic breeds character and puts hairs on your chest. People born in the ‘90s may have the inner peace required to thrive in this life, but the rest of us have the battle scars and hirsute torsos to prove our edgy superiority. How? Kids’ films, of course. They used to be fucking terrifying.

Here are the six most frightening moments in classic kids’ cinema, all of which put fire in our bellies and took years off our lives.


6. The Last Unicorn – The Red Bull

The Last Unicorn may look like a pleasant, girly tale about magical horses, but it was actually more concerned with themes of mortality and regret, and more importantly, frightening the conkers out of every child whose parents were taken in by its cutesy VHS cover. The last unicorn is so named because she’s all alone in the world, thanks to King Haggard (Christopher Lee) who can only achieve happiness by trapping ethereal beings at the ends of the earth, the evil bastard. He controls the monstrous red bull, who attempts to drive the last unicorn into the sea like he did all of her brethren. The bull fails here only due to incompetent wizard Schmendrick’s turning the unicorn into a mortal girl at the last minute, and if you were a little older when first subjected to The Last Unicorn, you’ll probably have found the unicorn’s gradual loss of her memories and reluctance to engage with her http://sildenafiloverthe-counter.com/ true nature even more disturbing than the vicious bovine bully that nearly offs her, twice.

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5. Watership Down – DEEEEEEAAAATH!

Bunnies! Lots and lots of bunnies going on an adventure! An adventure that takes them headfirst into danger of best quality generic cialis the deadliest kind, and we don’t mean that in a Toy Story 3 oh-God-Woody-might-die kind of way; we mean that in a rabbits-are-getting-killed-left-right-and-centre kind of way. If the Watership Down bunnies – Hazel, Fiver, Bigwig and the gang – aren’t getting attacked by predators, gassed out of their warrens, or choked by wire snares, then they’re being tricked by their own kind or browbeaten by the terrifying General Woundwort. Either way, they know at the end of their brief time on the mortal coil, the Black Rabbit is coming for them.

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4. All Dogs Go To Heaven – Charlie goes to hell

Everyone loves puppies, so the hypothesis that all dogs go to Heaven should not be a difficult one for any of us to adopt. Of course all dogs go to Heaven. They’re noble and loving and funny and brave and furry. All dogs go to Heaven, except, as is in the case of All Dogs Go To Heaven, they go instead to Hell. Which is fucking terrifying. All Dogs Go To Heaven is essentially The Exorcist for children, conceived and produced purely because bellowing ‘Repent! Repent! For the day of judgement is nigh!’ through the windows of a Montessori is frowned upon.

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3. The Neverending Story –Gmork

The Neverending Story tells the heartwarming tale of a grieving child who finds solace in a magical book depicting the fucking apocalypse. Bastian hides from bullies in an inexplicably eerie and very badly insulated school attic, where he reads about the adventures of Atreyu, whose quest to save his world from an all-consuming vacuum involves drowning horses, viagra online in singapore dying little girls, and a few hundred metric tons of crushing despair. The Oracle, which Atreyu seeks out for guidance, tries to fry him. The notion that his whole world exists only at the whim of an increasingly cynical human world is depressing. And Gmork, the disconcertingly verbose servant of the Nothing, comes along just in time to poison the audience’s once and future dreams with his hairy, toothy, glassy-eyed malevolence.

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2. Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory – The tunnel

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory is full of quietly awful moments: funny when you’re watching it, but not exactly solid in the face of any scrutiny. Who invites a handful of smallies into his factory only to pick them off one by one in some sort of pompous morality test, anyway? What kind of God complex must a crushed velvet weirdo have to torture faintly naughty children with nary a twinge of regret? But in general, this 1971 classic is oodles of primary-colored fun, perforated by a trip through a chocolate river tunnel on a festive boat… which somehow descends into a drug-skewed vision of hell that comes halfway between Jacob’s Ladder and the dead baby scene in Trainspotting. If anyone has an actual fuck what was going on in Mel Stuart’s mind when he put this together, promise us never to write it down or broadcast it in any way, lest its malice escape and kill us all.

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1. Return To Oz – The mental hospital, Princess Mombi, the Wheelers… look, basically everything

Return To Oz is all about Dorothy’s return to Oz. Good, clean fun, right? We all know the story of what happened to Dorothy when she first landed in Oz, and apart from a nasty interlude with a green woman at Stage 2 of the Kübler-Ross model, it was fairly manageable for even the tiniest cinephiles. Return To Oz, on the other hand, starts off with Dorothy being admitted to an asylum because she won’t stop harping on about magical lands. Rescued by a mysterious girl who warns Dorothy about the failed patients hidden away in the asylum’s basement, Dorothy ends up back in a very bruised and broken Oz, where she’s set upon by screeching men on wheels before being pursued by a headless witch while her spare faces roar at her from locked cabinets. It’s DELIGHTFUL. And by delightful, we mean it irrevocably loosened the sphincters of everyone who saw it. Grotesque, beautiful horror like physiological mode of action of sildenafil this is just wonderful when you’re a grown-up jaded by the wickedness of real life, but Return To Oz is not a show for kids… and we find it hard to believe those reared on Shrek, Hannah Montana and Dora The Explorer would have ever seen anything quite like it.

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About the Author

Lisa McInerney

Lisa’s soul is so damn sensitive, she has to invent and occupy parallel universes just to spread herself evenly. This is also known as being a frustrated novelist.

  • http://twitter.com/Sarklor Ciaran O’Brien

    Christ, Watership Down was depressing. What made it worse was every primary school teacher getting us to sing Bright Eyes because they thought it was a lovely wee song, as if they’d never actually experienced the graphic slaughter that filled the film.

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