Top Ten Ridiculous Boy Band Photos
Legal Note: By the time you reach the end of this post, it becomes NSFW. You have been warned and you must accept our deepest apologies.
Boy bands are magical creatures. They can make any girl (or boy) swoon with just a single thrust of a denim-clad pelvis. With only the power of their thousand yard stare burning out from a poster, they can tell you that you are the only one who can tame them and that together you would make some damn beautiful babies. Only powers of a supernatural origin could make it possible for us to watch them serenade us in questionable matching outfits and yet still find them attractive. Look at the way the female population gurgle with delight at the very sight of One Direction’s curly mopped Harry Styles despite the fact we all know he’s just a boy, fresh out of puberty, determined to hump his way to an early, STD-riddled grave. They can single us out in a crowd of thousands to inform us ‘Even though we have just met, I love you. Why yes! That song is about you’. What? They do and we’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.
The cynics among you may think it’s just because we’re easily mesmerised by a well-rehearsed dance routine but the only reasonable explanation for their ability to overwhelm us with desire is this: Boybands are wizards.
Unfortunately, wizards or not, they have an unfortunate habit of agreeing to some seriously stupid photo shoots. Here is the Ramp.ie Top Ten Ridiculous Boy Band Photos or, if you like, 30 Photographs Of Men With Next To No Shame.
It is unclear if Chris is about to go scuba diving, partake in some Medieval reenactment or get shot in the chest for his own shits and giggles. With that Chris Kirkpatrick chap, anything goes.
This will not be the only N*Sync entry on this list.
What the fuck is going on with Nick Carter’s hair? For a long time, he was our favourite even though now we see he easily possessed the most arsey face. To think of the long hours we spent organising our lavish but tasteful wedding to him in an Italian vineyard…
The head on AJ there.
This will not be only Backstreet Boys entry on this list.
Thanks to the powers of nepotism, 3T made us swoon with their classic breastfed-on-helium Jackson vocals and gravity defying braids. They told you that they would do anything for you, but mostly that meant laughing at you from a car as it pisses down and seemingly sharing you around their siblings like one would pass around a cigarette.
When they weren’t sporting comically large DMs in old timey photos, they were silently trying to kill off the weakest member so that his blood sacrifice would keep their vampiric Uncle Michael alive for another week.
‘Put the ugly one on the stairs. We can crop him out later.’
Their knowing smiles can confirm that this teddy bear was laced with cocaine.
We’re cheating here. East 17 weren’t really a boy band. They were a ‘socially conscious alternative hip hop group’. That being said, it doesn’t stop this photo being utterly stupid. Terry and his backwards cap ‘rap’ pose that wasn’t fooling anyone. John and his daft Karate Kid impression. Brian Harvey trying and failing to look hard despite being dressed like Björk. Tony willing the photographer to push him down some stairs and end his suffering. This photo has it all.
For a long time, Taylor Hanson made us very confused in our nether regions. The day we finally found out he was actually a boy was a day of great relief indeed. Here they are, getting wet in a pool. Those little scamps. This kind of kinky mischief is why they now have precisely 402 children between them.
‘We’re just a bunch of perfectly straight men who like to get together and enjoy wearing dungarees. And what of it?’
‘Shut up Lance.’
Poor, unsuspecting Gary. It’s almost as if Robbie planned to leave Take That twice.
Boyz II Men are somewhat credible as boy bands go. ‘End Of The Road’ is usually the song that plays when it comes to the end of a wedding, we have no one to dance with and we become so overwhelmed by the crushing weight of our own loneliness that we eat what remains of the cake with our bare hands and sob into our party dress. ‘End of the Road’ is a great song and they are great singers but for God’s sake. They are wearing tartan cardigans.
It’s going to take a lot to convince us this isn’t Photoshopped.
Is it wrong we still find a grown man covered in glitter attractive? Oh JT, we’d ride ye like Seabiscuit. *girlish squeal*
Hey everyone! Remember Yell 4 You?
No. Us neither
Here’s Blue bravely speaking out about their chronic dandruff condition. Well except Simon. As if Simon from Blue would get dandruff.
God love them. They are delighted despite this being the stage of their careers where they could do nothing but violently flail their arms around and thrust at the elderly. Ronan there cannot fucking believe his luck. Keith however looks like a man who got lost on the way to the toilet and somehow found himself a prisoner of Louis Walsh.
This poster is supposed to say ‘Cute’ but the Backstreet Boys, lying in wait in a child’s bedroom, surrounded by toys and bags of Haribo, suggests another word entirely. A word that rhymes with ‘Smeado’.
‘Please buy our album. Please.’
Desperation was common with O-Town. They always tried a little bit too hard. See their ‘wet n’ sexy’ look below.
Like an advert for a dodgy Eastern European discotheque. We think we’ve been to that club. We went in search of a good time and woke up 48 hours later in the local zoo, covered in what we hope was kebab, with a strange tingling sensation in our arse.
Jordan Knight is wearing a onesie.
Here is long forgotten boy band, C Note. They are here to talk to you about genital herpes.
We know it’s wrong to point and laugh at children but BAH HA HA HA HA HA. Look at them trying to look hard. Another Bad Creation they were called. Make your own jokes.
‘Hey gurl. We were just about to play football. Sexy football.’
This was the stage of his career when Ronan used to suck in his cheeks to make his bone structure look better or some shite. It achieves nothing but make him look like a dick. Mikey seems to be feigning falling over. Oh that Mikey. He’s such a joker.
N*Sync have no idea what they are doing.
Oh Blue. Was there no limit to how low you would sink? Flogging white Maltesers? Poor bastards probably didn’t even realise that they were just nibbling on some cardboard. If gigantic Malteasers like these existed, we would have them shipped directly to the house and we’d show that chap on Man Vs Food how it’s done.
This isn’t a boy band. If you look closely, you’ll see that this is Chris ‘Thor’ Hemsworth and his brother Liam ‘Willing to reproduce with the unholy spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus’ Hemsworth. We just want as many people as possible to see this photo.
We… they… *cough* … this… we just don’t know.
Oh Westlife. Westlife. Westlife. Westlife. Copying the Backstreet Boys? ‘Want to see what we’ve got?’ No we do not indeed. You can see on Mark’s face that he knows just how much of a terrible idea this photo is. We have never wanted to slap any face as much as we want to slap Nicky’s right now.
We don’t know who this boy band is but it is now our life mission to get their entire back catalogue.
For this next entry, we’re sorry. We’re so, so sorry.
Yes, that’s multi-Ivor Novello award winning Gary Barlow OBE right there. For so long, Barlow was credited as ‘The Talented One’ in Take That. We know now that this is unfair. The real star of Take That is Mark Owen’s surprisingly pert bottom.
Special Recognition – JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
‘Oh hi! I was just casually rubbing up against my Christmas tree. Won’t you join me? Grab a branch.’
Oh Justin. And yet you still wonder why we struggle to take you seriously as an actor. Now, you’ve had your fun in Hollywood and we’ve indulged it enough. Stop your nonsense and go make another album.