Top Ten Nations That Do Not Give A Fuck
You know, here in dear old Eire, we’re always a bit wound up. It’s very easy to get us going over almost any matter, no matter whether it’s a big and relevant issue, like the recent outrage observed with regard to the anti-abortion billboard campaign from Youth Defence, or a small and irrelevant issue, like Youth Defence. Sometimes, it’s just better for all concerned to take a deep breath, sit back, and grudgingly admire the countries around the world where, despite all the revolutions, absence of running water, occasional Shoggoth sightings or whatever, the average Joe gets to care about zip all fucking day long.
In reverse order, the twelve Top Ten nations are:
12. (joint) Honduras/El Salvador
These two boys are tied because of a mutual event which saw them throw all rhyme and reason out the window. A series of World Cup qualifying matches in 1969 between the two ended in violence each time, resulting in the eventual winners, El Salvador, declaring war on the defeated Honduras, presumably as some sort of rubbing-it-in-your-face-style taunt. The war lasted 4 days, which is precisely how long you can seriously entertain the idea of a war that started over a game of football.
Voted #1 in famed medical journal The Lancet’s poll of laziest countries. According to the findings, 72% of the nation get no physical exercise beyond leaving and re-entering bed. This leads to a scenario where a large portion of medical emergencies are essentially caused by people who are too lazy to take their diabetes medicine with any degree of regularly and have to be rushed to a doctor as a result. That is, rushed in a Maltese context. And do you think they give two fiddlers for your thoughts on their sedentary lifestyle? HA!
10. United Arab Emirates
The sheikhs of the UAE are the living embodiment of Fry from Futurama screaming at the eyephone vendor to ‘shut up and take my money’. Many men within the country are so filthy fucking rich that their bodies actually secrete cash (and, rumour has it, excrete diamonds). However ambitious, ridiculous, expensive, or awful a project is, they will invest in it if it’s a spectacular enough endeavour. Buy a sports team? Mere pocket change! Build the world’s tallest building for no reason? Sounds like a great idea! Create a scale replica of the entire world where people can buy entire islands in an archipelago as real estate? Ah yeah go on. Here, what’s this thing called? A coin? Never heard of it, mate.
Millwall football club are infamously known for their boozy terrace chant of ‘NO ONE LIKES US, WE DON’T CARE’. It’s long believed that they actually borrowed that sentiment from the streets of Haifa and Tel Aviv, pioneers of couldn’tgiveashitism. Israel is a country that likes to pig blap its neighbours, asking ‘Whatcha gon’ do about it, punk?’, before it gets bored and decides to play a game of whack-a-mole next to their nuclear launch console. Israel’s favourite hobbies include pissing absolutely everyone in the world off and long, moonlit walks on the beach.
Laos is officially the world’s most bombed country. Normally, this would take its emotional toll on a nation that had spare fucks to give, but Laos is all out of those right now, and appears to have been for quite some time. After kicking the French out of their country, they got so bored of having no one to fight that they started a 22 year civil war. When that got boring, they decided to construct fences out of unexploded bombs, in what must be one of the most effective ways to keep out a Jehovah’s Witness.
St. Petersburg, late November: local football club Zenit are playing a late European home fixture at 14 degrees below zero, the minimum safe temperature that FIFA will allow. The players are wearing scarves, jumpers, two pairs of socks and gloves, and tights to keep themselves from flash freezing. In the crowd, there is a man who could not appear more stereotypically Russian looking on. He is topless, with a forehead that keeps the rain off his feet, balancing his still half-full can on a beer belly that could double for an office desk, tattooed with a Bulldog’s arsehole encircling the navel. He may be mad, but he’s not alone. The 12 guys to his left are all doing the same thing, singing racist chants to the melody of ‘I Predict A Riot’. Apparently, in Russia, ‘hypothermia’ is just a word for pussies.
Tuvalu sits between Australia and the O in the HERE BE MONSTERS sign you see on old sea charts. Around the time the internet was invented, the Tuvaluans decided that work just wasn’t a realistic option for them anymore, and elected to make the commercialisation of their ‘.tv’ domain the primary income generator for the nation’s economy. For this reason, almost every one of Tuvalu’s 10,000 odd citizens lives extremely comfortably, mainly off the back of the world’s most popular .tv website. MLB.tv executives also understand that Tuvalu’s baseball viewership figure is ‘pretty low’.
5. North Korea
You’ve all seen Team America: World Police. That guy died (exactly as he did in Team America). Now this guy’s in charge!
Oh Lord, where to begin with China? Maybe the fighter jets they had scrambled to fire cloud-destroying missiles, should rain threaten to blight the 2008 Olympics opening ceremony? Or perhaps with the fact that 1800 years ago they build a wall that, in total, is longer than a half the circumference of the Earth? Or maybe I should just mention this guy, who is, and forever will remain, my personal hero.
3. Costa Rica
Costa Rica has officially run out of fucks. The drought began in 1949 when they abolished their army, and are still currently the only independent nation in the world without a military. You could probably catch a flight there, get off the plane and conquer the entire nation with just a Swiss army knife and a positive mental attitude, but it wouldn’t matter, because the Costa Ricans just don’t care. Costa Rica also managed to negotiate with China to have the latter build the former a $100 million national stadium. They care so little that they made China give a damn.
2. United States Of America
The USA really is the land of the free. However, being unbound and free sometimes generates some really weird shit. You can buy a whole chicken in a can, you can breed scorpions for a living, you can get a medical condition if you ask for it, you can start your own religion, but you cannot convince the US of A to give a rat’s ass about anything.
They export over two billion euro worth of weapons every year, to India and Pakistan (in terms of fairness, one assumes), Saudi Arabia, and Thailand, as well as several dictatorships (no Swedish politicians were available for comment). But the overriding reason why Sweden gets the nod as the #1 nation on this list is because when their prime minister, Olof Palme, was assassinated in 1986, they left the case unsolved because, y’know, effort. That is a whole new level of not giving a fuck.