Top Ten Futures That Won’t Happen, Probably
Predicting the future can be a tricky business. When this writer was a small lad, he thought that by his late twenties he would be a game show presenter married to Donna Air, who made time to play James Bond and record soulful hip-hop, but that never happened. However, it’s not just me who’s makes a hash of it: television and movies have been getting it wrong for years. Here are Ramp.ie’s top ten futures that won’t happen, probably.
10: Black Mirror – ‘The Entire History of You’
Let’s start off with what’s probably/definitely going to happen, shall we? This stunning episode of Charlie Brooker’s series showcases a future of tech dependency where most people have essentially installed Sky+ into their brains, allowing them to recall any memory the system has recorded and giving them the ability to share these memories with other people. Which sounds fantastic for winning arguments, remembering old friends or impressing girls by showing them that time you broke down in tears watching an African children’s choir do ‘Sing’ with Gary Barlow. However, that easy access to things that really are better off forgotten will eat away at you until you’re a paranoid mess on the floor, shoving dog food into your mouth, constantly making your loved ones replay their memories to prove that you’re right. So enjoy Sky+ for the Bargain Hunt series linking gem that it is, for in a couple of years’ time you will have shoved it into your brain and ruined your life.
10: X-Men – ‘Days of Future Past’
Set some time in 2013, mutant superheroes battle skyscraper-sized robots. Absolute poppycock, right? Well, maybe not. The next time everyone around you is checking in and instagramming their Nandos, the idea of machines that stamp out any kind of individuality might just come to mind. Plus Wolverine died in it and after his Origins movie that could be a bit of a laugh.
9: Futurama – ‘I Dated a Robot’
This postulates that at some point in the 31st century, people will have the ability to download the personality and looks of a celebrity and install them onto an empty robot vessel, allowing the user to have his wicked way with them. Ok, so it might happen in some back alley, future strip club but it would have so many problems. Apart from the whole licensing issue, here in 2013 we are already running out of ways of improve graphics on home consoles so something the size of a person would either cost thousands to get right or be a horrid pixelated mess. No one wants to download a cyber Jennifer Aniston only for it to come through looking like that time your mother got ‘The Rachel’. Plus, let’s face it, if you tried to capture the pure handsomeness of Michael Fassbender on a computer, it would just explode.
8: Back to the Future 2
Yes, we all know you’re asking where your hoverboard is. We’ve all seen the meme, or whatever it is the kids call them. But come on, mate; 2015 is a mere two years away and the list of things Marty flaunted in our caveman-like faces is huge. Yes there is the hoverboard, but you would only hurt yourself showing off, so forget it. Think instead of the other stuff Future Marty enjoyed. Who wouldn’t want the self-drying jacket, power shoelaces and the blooming flying car? Sick of gazing out into your garden only to see your dog have sex with that oversized rat? No bother! Put your window on the Scenery Channel to look at Paris instead. Mind you, the self-rhythm generator that the Doc used to knock out Marty’s girlfriend can stay uninvented; it’s a tad creepy.
7: Partridge Family 2200 AD
We don’t want to come across as cruel, but let’s face it: the chances of any of the Partridge family living past 2016 is small. That aside, the real reason this future seems unlikely lies in what it means for the evolution of the human race. In this future, everyone seems to be so annoyingly happy that we guess that at some point before 2200 a virus must have annihilated everyone who wasn’t an irritating bellend. At least The Jetsons was somewhat realistic; it had Cogswell and Spacely who had the kind of black, selfish hearts the human race will always have.
6: Demolition Man’s Sex Machine
No, not a blonde Wesley Snipes. The other Demolition Man sex machine. By the year 2032 ‘fluid transfers’ are no more and doing the bad thing on the good foot involves wearing virtual reality helmets showing your partners sex face. Lovely. We’re sure there would be more science to the process than that, but hey. While we do seem to be getting more and more anal about cleanliness (sorry), this future sex magic would never take. Mainly as it involves carrying around a heavy box containing two helmets, which, when you’re trying to have your end away against a bin outside Coppers, would be very impractical.
Sexy Fassbender Robots? See point 9. It cannot happen, lads.
4: Busted – ‘Year 3000’
Well, this really is a catalogue of predictions, isn’t it? Firstly, the world is now flooded, which, granted, could happen. Only in this scenario, we haven’t all drowned to death. We have adapted, and for good measure grown an extra tit just in case it comes in handy. However, the most unlikely event that Busted mention is that at some point before the year 3000 everybody buys their seventh album, and I probably won’t be doing that, so that ends that prediction. Oh, and that bit about your great great great granddaughter being pretty fine? She won’t be.
3: The Centurions
At some point in the near future, Earth is attacked by an evil cyborg named ‘Doc Terror’ (probably not his real name) and his army of robots called The Doom Drones. However, instead of the world’s armies uniting against this onslaught, the fate of humanity is left up to three middle-aged men named Max Ray, Jake Rockwell and – the name of my future child – Ace McCloud, who beam down from their own space station, strap up big robot suits and beat up the bad guys, presumably giving the rest of the world the morning off. The show was utterly awesome though, so here’s hoping it will come true.
2: Doctor Who- ‘The Beast Below’
The Doctor brings his companion Amy abroad Starship U.K., a ship designed to contain all of the U.K. and built on the back of a huge space-travelling whale because the Earth has become uninhabitable. Now, we’re not saying that countries won’t fly around on the back of gargantuan beasties in the future, but all the same it’s probably best to take out some End of World insurance, just in case Space Whales aren’t real.
1: Star Trek: The Next Generation - ‘The High Ground’
In a conversation about the history of armed rebellion between Data and Picard, Data recalls ‘The Irish Unification of 2024’. Yeah, we’re not touching that one.