Top Ten Bafflingly Terrible Etsy Items
Remember the crap you used to make in school? Remember the look on your parent’s face when you arrived home presenting that rubbish papier-mâché sculpture of their head with the skewed eyes and enormous nose, and their slow realisation that they would have to feign how much they loved it until you were old enough not to notice they had chucked it in the bin? Imagine there was a place where you could exchange that kind of useless, offensive-to-the-eyes homemade junk for actual money. Well imagine no more, because that’s what Etsy is for, and Regretsy is the wonderful website dedicated to taking the piss out of it. And so, courtesy of photos
stolen borrowed from Regretsy, here are Ramp.ie’s twenty-two Top Ten Baffingly Terrible Etsy Items.
22. THE ‘BUDDY’ PORTRAIT
‘What is this Bob?’
‘This? Oh that’s just a portrait of me and Himself.’
‘ You and… wait, what?’
‘Me and Jesus Christ, our Almighty Lord and Saviour. One of our many outings together. Good bloke. Loves a dirty Limerick.’
‘…His eyes look sad.’
Reader, you have every right to subscribe to any religion you want to but if you get to that stage of devotion when you commission an actual portrait of you and your God(s) of choice, then you are doing religion wrong.
21. THE HAIRY CUP. YES, WE ARE GIGGLING TOO.
There is a joke here, but we’re not going to make it. Think it in your head, Reader. You are thinking it now aren’t you? Of course you are, you dirty bitch.
$50 is an awful lot to spend on a cup that would make every coffee break a very disconcerting experience. Imagine sipping your morning tea only to inhale the remnants of a toupee up your nostrils. Think about the unsettling tickling of the hair of a stranger on your nose as you drank your coffee? Eugh … imagine washing the cup. Gack … gack! … Cough … Does anyone else feel like they have something stuck in their throat?
20. YOU. JUSTIN BEIBER. UNICORN.
Oh my God. It’s only our BEST dream in pictorial form! Of course, in our dreams in which we prance about the Land of Chocolate, riding a unicorn bareback with Justin Beiber, our unicorn isn’t as menacing looking. In fact, this is unlike any pretty unicorn we have ever seen (in our heads). He looks mean, like he would insist you put a bag on your head before you got on and then do nothing but complain about how heavy you are or how your boney arse was making him cry.
It’s hard to tell which boy, in the example above, is supposed to be Justin Beiber and why, presuming you actually purchased one of these custom portraits, you would be depicted as a child from an Enid Blyton book cover. Nonetheless, we’ll forgive this entry though because they enjoy Celebrity Sandwiches. As do we, creepy Etsy artist. As do we.
19. THE DUCK WOMAN SCULPTURE THAT WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES
We struggle to think of any sculpture that could encapsulate ‘environmentalism, shamanism, genetic engineering, wildlife habitat and inter-species communication’ all at the same time so fair play to this LSD-minded art student. We would have come up with … we dunno, maybe a world-weary duck sitting on top of rubbish heap looking slightly melancholy. We particularly love the extra pink nipples. You can’t fault attention to detail like that. GIVE HER AN A.
18. THE REAL BULL BALL BAG BAG
‘I know what you are thinking, dear. “But I wanted a Chanel handbag”. Well this is better. That’s real bull scrotum, you know.’
Pity there is only one available. Parading down the street eating Smarties from a bull testicle is the height of class.
17. THE HopE PAINTING YOU SHOULD NOT BUY
This piece represents one of the most pointless wastes of money on Etsy. May you never fork over $30,000 for a painting your cat could do, if he could be arsed. May you even find a way to look at this painting without worrying that you’ll never smile again. May our common sense show us the way back to reality: if you can justify spending $30,000 on this piece of shite, then you don’t deserve to have money.
16. THE WINTERWEAR FOR YOUR FURNITURE YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR
Do you ever worry about your chairs catching a chill? Concerned your table may be envious of your woolly gloves? Fear not, Reader. Here are some lovingly knitted socks. Yes. Socks. Socks for your fucking chairs. Enjoy them, you mad, mad bastard.
15. THE FOREVER AND EVER THAT PROBABLY DIDN’T LAST FOREVER AND EVER
Why would Tye want to sell his (6ft x 4ft!) masterpiece that positively reeks of sentimental value, particularly since he created it for his wedding? Oh… Oh dear. One can only assume that his wife-to-be took one look at it and thought ‘I am about to marry a bloody yoke-munching drug mule’ and cancelled the entire thing. Poor Tye. Someone buy the painting. Please. He needs this.
14. THE ‘DEXTER THE PAINTING’ PAINTING
We see your painting and the accompanying terrible description and raise you this:
DEXTER THE PAINTING THE PAINTING
A little painting that was inspired by the Etsy painting ‘Dexter The Painting’ starring Dexter The Painting. The black paint is for the feelings of despair that are a major part of our lives when we look at Dexter The Painting, not only as people capable of thought but as human beings being in possession of a soul.
13. THE URINAL DRESS
Who would spend £1,600 in order to look like a glittering toilet? Dickheads, that’s who.
12. THE SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR CIGAR SMOKING PROBLEMS. YOU ARE WELCOME
Why JD, you and your neighbour are just the smartest and most talented gentlemen there are. You can epoxie a nail into a duck’s head, after all. We are so impressed with you, your neighbour and your life-changing invention. When a cigar gets down to the size of a sausage roll, it IS hard to hold onto. We often smoke away to our hearts’ content until the cigar reaches ‘decapitated thumb’ size and then we wail out in misery because we just can’t go on. IT’S JUST TOO HEAVY.
11. THE ONLY WAY TO RECYCLE AN OLD BED SHEET
Wow it’s literally a bed sheet? As if we weren’t impressed enough! We can think of nothing else we’d rather spend £30,000 on. Think of the conversations that would be started from this hanging over your mantelpiece or bed? We’d display it proudly and with hands on hips we’d exclaim, ‘Dodi and Diana knee deep in ‘Waterlilies’ by Monet. Yes, that truly is the most accurate depiction of heaven’. Just the sheer physics of the artwork would be enough to enchant us for hours. The foot emerging from Dodi Al Fayed’s groin is a wonder of its own!
In case you aren’t sure, that (^) was sarcasm. In truth, there are no words for two sadly deceased people immortalised forever on an old bed sheet.
10. THE SLIGHTLY AWKWARD CHARLES & DIANA ENGAGEMENT WALL HANGING
Look into her eyes. It’s almost as if she knew back then she would be condemned to adorn ridiculous wall hangings.
9. THE (POSSIBLY STOLEN) CEMETERY SIGN
Nothing says ‘Halloween’ like a misspelt sign smeared in what we hope is chocolate.
8. THE … WE’RE NOT QUITE SURE
This is supposed to be a butterfly.
7. THE ‘EDWARD CULLEN’ CARD FOR YOUR SWEETHEART YOU SECRETLY DON’T LIKE THAT MUCH
This card makes us sigh heavier than that time we tried to explain Twitter to an elderly relative. What’s even more frustrating is that the basic sentiment of the card is that this girl (it’s definitely a girl) actually has to debate whether she loves her boyfriend, her boyfriend who, amongst his many thoughtful tasks, knows her tampon brand off by heart, more than a fictional glittering vampire.
This was a great Etsy entry. The seller even had an accompanying poem, written exclusively in third person, as if you didn’t need any more reason to close the browser, back away from The Internet slowly and see what’s going on outside for a change.
Bipolar Betty must also answer to the name ‘Gollum’.
6. THE GARDEN GNOME COSTUME
This is … wait no … this is awesome. Just take our money, Etsy, and have it delivered immediately.
5. THE SEX AND THE CITY EARRINGS SOMEONE ACTUALLY BOUGHT
Don’t get us wrong, against all our better judgment, we really enjoy Sex and the City. It offers us a glimpse into an imaginary world where women live off cupcakes, work in art galleries and trot around in $600 shoes made of fur and gold. But these earrings? Good God. Not even Carrie fucking Bradshaw would wear these earrings and Carrie fucking Bradshaw once wore a ‘scrunchie’ for a dress.
4. (ARGUABLY) THE BEST BELLA SWAN [IN AGONY] FIGURINE EVER
Perfect for a computer you say? ‘Happy Birthday Laptop. Here is a dull, slightly melty looking woman weeping after her boyfriend dumped her’. Our Laptop will be pleased.
3. THE BODY TRAY SALAD BAR
STANILESS STEEL? YES THER ARE!!!! Nothing could make your dining experience better than knowing that the salad you are currently consuming was lifted from the same tray upon which hundreds, if not thousands of naked corpses lay. Mmm … delicious.
2. THE ‘MONEY SHOT’ GAME
No better party game? Is this really true? We can think of nothing more uncomfortable than spending your Hen Night watching your Ma waving a furry faux vagina on a stick around a bar trying to catch ‘cum drops’. Nothing.
1. THE ‘I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE’ EARRINGS
For those who start sentences with ‘I’m not racist but…’. Make sure everyone knows just how ‘not racist’ you are with the ultimate ‘not racist’ accessory. Believe it or not, these earrings were sold. Our kingdom for photos of the person who bought them.