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9 Rules for Renting in Dublin

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Posted September 23, 2013 by Sinéad Keogh in Ramp Lists
rent

Someone, somewhere once said that moving house is one of the more stressful things that a person can do in their lives. Because it is. Moving house in Dublin is no craic at all. But we’ll talk you through it, if you really insist.

1. REALLY THINK ABOUT IT

The first thing you should do when planning to move, is consider not moving. Seriously. Think about it. If you’re moving because you want better accommodation, consider whether or not your current digs are really so bad? Don’t the mice add a little bronxy flavour to the place, if you’re honest? Haven’t you made a fortune charging the local kids a quid a go to come in and look at the damp patch that looks like the Virgin Mary? Haven’t you gotten used to everything you do being soundtracked by the thud of the upstairs neighbour practising his rhythmless drumming? And if you’re moving for work or college – surely the commute wouldn’t be so bad? You say ‘that’s six hours a day on a train, madam!’; we say ‘that’s plenty of time to write your novel or graffiti your kicks!’. Lookit, alls we’re saying is, moving is relentlessly stressful to the point of why the fuck would you bother – so take a long hard look before you take a slow, stressful leap.

2. BE REALISTIC

So you’ve decided you really have to have a new place, you picky bastard. Well, where to start? Looking at pictures of houses and apartments you could never afford will only make what you can afford seem shit. If you really must move, first, work out your budget and then start to plan the areas you’d be happy to live in and set up your trade-offs. Trade-offs work thusly: I’d be happy to pay 50 quid more to live in town because I’d save that much on taxis, but the higher amount wouldn’t be worth it for Swords. I’d be happy to houseshare, but I’d be wanting to save a few hundred quid a month if I have to do the is-it-empty washing machine dance every time I want a fresh pair of pants. I’d be happy to rent a single room because I don’t get any rides anyway, but I’m not sharing a house with a couple or anyone attractive, because their regular rides would upset me. You’ve got the gist? Think about your must haves, and allow yourself to believe for the slimmest of moments that such a place will be easy to find. HA.

3. USE DAFT

Look. We could tell you to read The Evening Herald, we could tell you to ring a letting agent, hell, we could tell you to walk the streets looking for ‘To Let’ signs, but, being honest, Daft.ie is the only show in town. Finding a place to live is a stumble-footed Tango with someone who is a much, much better dancer than you. To succeed, you must have a wingman, and Daft is that wingman. They’ve just got it sussed, and we love them. So, to get the most out of your Dafting, set up and an account and then create a saved search. The essentials of this are setting your budget, picking the areas you’d like to live in, and tick-boxing your non-negotiables like parking or a place that accepts pets. Once you’ve done this, set up an email alert for same. Because now we must discuss… BEING FUCKING LINFORD CHRISTIE.

4. BE FUCKING LINFORD CHRISTIE

Speed is everything in the rental game. EVERYTHING. Renting property in Dublin is an awful lot like buying concert tickets – once something becomes available GO GO GO THERE’S NO TIME TO LOSE. Ring and arrange a viewing within seconds of the ad appearing or you might as well kiss that gaff goodbye. Such is the competition for anywhere half decent that you need to be agile.

5. INVESTIGATE LIKE A DETECTIVE WITH A TRENCHCOAT AND SUCH

Right. You’ve secured a viewing. Now it’s time to suss the place out. Google it. Find out if it really is a ‘five minute walk from town’. Take a look at it on Streetview – find out if it really was ‘recently painted’ or if in actual fact it looks like the last bit of liquid that came in contact with the front wall was a wad of a local ruffian’s spit.

6. TRUST NOBODY

Decided it’s actually worth going to see the place and that it’s not actually located on the corner of Crack Den and 5th? Reader, landlords are bastards. When you are viewing a potential abode, suss out everything from whether the windows actually open to if the water that comes out of the taps is clear or muddy brown. Right – maybe it won’t be that bad – but seriously, check what bills are involved, check if your new landlord’s crazy aunt has an arrangement to sleep on your couch every second Wednesday, check that the fridge works, check the the place has heating, check who pays for the bins… leave nothing to chance.

7. BE CRAFTY. CRAFTY LIKE A FOX

There’s no point being fast unless you’ve got your shit together. You must prepare for renting like you used to prepare for getting into nightclubs when you were underage. When you go a viewing, you’ll probably be herded around with a few dozen other poor fuckers who are looking for a new roof to put over their heads. You must emerge victorious from the pack. To do this, you must endear yourself to the landlord or letting agent by having your shit together. This is exactly like dealing with a bouncer – have your ID to hand, flash your most winning smile, and show ‘em that you have the cash ready and waiting if only they’ll let you in. In plain English – have all the documentation ready to go – ID, bank records, work and previous landlord references and a big ol’ chunk of cash. If you’ve never rented before, pick your most mature mate and have them construct a reference that implies you are not only trustworthy, but also a reliable person who,  if anything, gets a real buzz out of paying their rent on time.

8. DO THE WINNER DANCE

Nabbed the place, did you? Good work. Now you must await move in day and then gleefully shimmy around your new gaff yell-singing “I WIN! I AM THE WINNER!”. It is also an option at this point to quote the opening sequence of The Highlander ‘there can be only one’ speech. Because there can be only one. And you’re it. You win. You are the winner. JOY FEELINGS.

9. TURN OFF THE DAFT NOTIFICATIONS

Your joy will be shortlived if you don’t do one very, very important thing – the minute you sign your new lease turn off your Daft alerts. There is nothing worse than settling on a new place only to then received six or seven emails a day boasting gaffs that are cheaper and nicer than the one you picked. It is soul destroying. It is terrible. It will ruin the winner feelings. TURN OFF THE DAFT ALERTS.

Welcome to your new life!


About the Author

Sinéad Keogh

Sinéad is a striking girl. Not attractive like, just prone to lashing out.

  • Fiona DIllon

    Oh my God that is the funniest article I’ve read in this long time!

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