Ramp Randoms: Ryan Dolan’s Only Love Survives – A Eurovision Breakdown
As aggressive drums play, we are introduced to Ryan, who is of course down on his knees on the ground, clearly in the middle of performing an exorcism or having just finished some sort of sexual act. Or maybe he’s really tired? Picking out that black on black outfit must have taken a lot out of him.
He must be trying to banish the ghost of the enlarged refection that looms by his side! How annoying! Or maybe he’s just attempting to take off that funky wooden chain around his neck. No Ryan, keep the chain on! We like how the cross at the end nearly hits your crotch as you swoop low to find the missing piece of your soul.
Oooh horray, the ghost has been banished! Ryan raises his arms in the air like he just don’t care, still kneeling in his dark corner.
‘Watching the world decline till nothing remains’ he sings, with the worried expression of someone who is about to set fire to a lot of things and then say someone else made them do it. Is someone making you do something you don’t want to do, Ryan? Are you sitting on the floor because someone has chained your foot to the wall and told you to sing or you’ll never be let out of the basement?
But wait… no, everything is fine. He was just trying to find his shades, and now that he has them on he’s super happy. Phew! They must have cost at least €5 in TK Maxx. You don’t want to be losing something like that, especially when you’re competing in the Eurovision and have to look your coolest at all times.
And even if the sun don’t rise, in the end only love survives.
Obviously what he means here is even if the sun don’t rise (if he is representing anything about the Irish, it’s our use of good grammar) in the end only love of sunglasses survives. It does look quite bright in that dark room he’s dancing away in. Best to protect those corneas. Such a responsible role model!
Now the chorus kicks in. We are starting to get on board with Ryan’s message. So the world is ending, and all that will be left are dark rooms where you have to wear shades and sit in a crouched position as holograms fly around you. Right, that’s grand, nothing wrong with that.
But then suddenly the mood changes! We are transported to a badly-made PowerPoint presentation of holiday snaps from people around the world, most of whom don’t have a clue what’s going on. Who is this woman? Where is she? Does she own that cool bicycle behind her?
Is this her husband? He seems to have no idea what he has been asked to do with his hands. Are these people members of a worldwide Eurovision fanbase?
And when the stars are aligned you got to make love a state of mind.
Wow, so deep.
There’s that woman from You’re a Star. Or was it Fair City? Hold on, is she Jedward’s mum? Whoever she is, she is rocking that giraffe print. The giraffe that died to make that top was one lucky animal.
Did he coordinate his man-scarf with the wall on purpose?
Oh look, Ryan’s back! This time he is Jesus and he is controlling the rain. That’s nice of him, the weather has been just ghastly lately.
This shot is a mystery. Where is this woman? Who is she? Why is that umbrella overturned? Why didn’t the person filming mention the large overturned umbrella in the background and suggest fixing it before filming the video for Ireland’s Eurovision entry that will be seen by thousands of people across Europe? She is hot though, and really that’s all that matters.
So let the world collide, don’t be afraid, if it’s the end of time love will remain.
Well Ryan, we actually will be afraid if you are telling us the world is about to collide with something. What is it? An asteroid? Another planet? This is very troubling news indeed.
And all he can go on about is love. He can’t get enough of it; it’s all love this and heart that. Here he is singing about love in front of a love heart made out of the word love. We get it! Now everyone, into the apocalypse bunker, quick!
Look at all those crazy coloured lights. Thank gosh good ol’ Ryan found those shades. Look at him having a nice little dance for himself. Lovely.
Oh great, we are back to the holiday snaps. Obviously this woman was dragged out of the water without warning and made stand in front of the camera making a weird symbol with her hands without being given a chance to change or prepare herself or anything. Her hands my say ‘love’ but her eyes say ‘help me’.
Here’s a blink and you’ll miss it flash of a person/alien in a contamination suit. Is this because of the collision Ryan was going on about earlier? This must mean we all need to get space suits to survive in this new world of darkness and copious love.
Do you think they’ll have any nice ones on boohoo.com?
But of course. That one from Westlife. The one, you know him. The one who doesn’t sing but isn’t hot. Yeah, that one!
Here’s a blink and you’ll miss it unexplained scary clown. Obviously this is symbolism for the collapse of love within our nation and how we need to start taking life less seriously and begin loving each other once again.
Or maybe Ryan is cursed and turns into an evil clown when exposed to a black light. Here’s hoping it’s the second one, so we can read his sob story in the next issue of RSVP.
‘People may not notice, but there are black lights everywhere. I had no chance for a normal life.’
BREAKING NEWS: Glenda Gilson has lost the ability to bend her fingers. If you wish to send cards and flowers, post to RTE.
We interrupt this amazing music video from superstar Ryan Dolan to show you a clip from the new Crocodile Dundee show, featuring this nice hat-wearing man and a small mud pool of crocodiles ready to attack the minute he turns his back…
Ireland, in a snapshot.
And that’s it. The music video is over. Ryan slips on those famous shades of his, throws on a hip leather jacket and gets the 39A bus home, hoping he’s brought sexy back to Ireland. Well, there’s no better man, well apart from…