Ramp Randoms: What Does Your Easter Egg Say About You?
So the annual holiday of eating as much chocolate as possible before 10am and regretting it for the rest of the day is upon us. It feels as though it has been a long time coming, since the Creme Egg adverts begin earlier each year, meaning the lead up to this Easter has been in effect since last November. But fear not! Christ is finally dead and it’s time to celebrate with egg-shaped sugar and cocoa mass. Hooray!
But those hollow shells of joy are not as simple as they seem. Each one holds a key into its owner’s personality. It is not widely known, but Easter Eggs are the personality test of religious symbolic items.
Here is the definitive list to answer that question you’ve been asking the mirror with
a chocolate stained mouth for many a year: what does your Easter Egg say about you?
Oh would you look at you, trying so hard to hold on to your youth. ‘I just like the taste!’ you lie, but we see you there in the supermarket, screaming and shouting for your mummy to buy you the plastic-wrapped giant, throwing yourself onto the shop floor in a fit of frustration. And after you have finished devouring that genius mix of white and milk chocolate, you may try to convince yourself that you aren’t going to make the toy. You may even put it away, unmade, in a drawer in your room. It may stay there for some days. But the child inside you will win eventually. You’ll not be able to resist the cries of ‘Make me! Make me!’ coming from that secret drawer, Indian in the cupboard style. Maybe one day you’ll grow up and finally get laid, but until then you are happy squeezing that plastic yellow tube found inside the egg with your teeth, trying your hardest to open the most non-child friendly toy in the history of free toys.
You didn’t ask for this. Who asks for an Aero? Who in their right mind would willingly walk into a shop and buy a plain, run-of-the-mill Aero bar, when they could pick anything else at all? No one. You’d prefer fruit, to be honest. But you have to pretend you love it. Your parents made an effort. They picked up the first egg they saw in the supermarket and carried it all the way home; that was nice of them. They could have got you nothing. Well, nothing would probably be better than an Aero, but still. And now, to add insult to injury you have to eat the egg in front of them, as you smile, nod and make ‘mmm’ noises to disguise the gagging. God, no one understands you.
So some chocolate manufactures have told you, as a woman – nay, a feminist! – that you cannot eat their brand of right-angled, poke-you-hard-in-the-cheeks chocolate bars? How dare they! Someone must do something; this is not right. Girls can do everything these days: vote, choose to have no babies, murder… so don’t tell us we can’t eat your painful chocolate. You gave your girlfriend specific instructions to get you a Yorkie egg because that’ll show them! Now you are going to take some topless photos of you stuffing that thick chocolate into your gob and post them all over the Yorkie Facebook wall, because that is your duty as a woman. Girl power!
Ah, would you look at you, ye big weirdo. You are one of those people who love Cluedo a bit too much, aren’t you? And you make sure to follow the rules of drinking games to the letter, even when everyone else is too pissed to care. Your style icon is Roald Dahl’s Matilda and you love nothing more than re-potting plants. But sure, you’re happy and that’s the main thing. You are making the most of your thin, square, minty slice of life, and who could ask for more?
One Direction/Family Guy/Hannah Montana
How hilarious are your friends? You all decided to get each other Easter Eggs this year, because you are crazy, like a gang from a sitcom! You splashed out and got your buddies all some lovely Thorntons eggs; you even went the extra mile and had them engraved with everyone’s nicknames in icing, like a true friend. But it seems as though they don’t value you as much as you once believed. ‘It’s got free gummy bears in it,’ your friends say, trying to soften the blow as you unwrap your tiny, gone-off egg, complete with a packet of three jellies squashed on to the side of it like an unhappily pimple. Yum.
He is just so great, isn’t he? Oh he is the best! You just love him so much. What a great boyfriend you have. You must txt all your mates straight away and let them know how sweet and lovely he is. Oh quick, instagram a photo of your egg and stick it on Facebook. Make sure to captain it ‘Spoilt’ and find out how to make one of those heart icon things. Oh he is just so great! He is getting lucky tonight. This definitely makes up for all his cheating; it’s the extra large box after all.
Generic Football Egg in a mug
You are happy out; sure what more would you want? A nice bit of chocolate, none of that dark chocolate stuff, none of those shenanigans for you, and a lovely new mug. That’s all you need. And you can make a cuppa tae and dip some of the chocolate into it. Would you stop! It’s too much, you are the happiest lad in the land. Oh wait, there are some football facts on the back of the box, well that’s just great. You never knew David Beckham suffered from a severe pine tree phobia, and now you do. Amazing! You’ve got the three things any typical man would want, football, tea and grub. This is just the best!
The Easter Eggs in this article’s Featured Image are all available from SuperValu stores.