Ramp Randoms: The 5 Most Embarrassing Things That WILL Happen To You On Facebook
There are plenty of websites out there devoted to announcing to the world the dumbest shit people do and say on Facebook. The problem with such chronicles is that, while frequently hilarious, they usually only record social gaffes made by people who remain oblivious to their own stupidity. We can all laugh at delightful cretins like this…
… but it’s hard to empathise. We know how to spell and punctuate, and we’re not as crass as to wash, wring and set fire to our dirty linen in public…
… but that doesn’t mean we’re entirely in the clear. There are some Facebook mortifications that none of us seem immune to, because even in this wonderful, tech-happy world we’ve carved for ourselves on the backs of those nerdier than us, human error is still king. Here are the five most universal embarrassments on Facebook, the five pits into which we most often tumble, roaring like clathered asses.
So you’ve posted this incredibly well-crafted piece of social critique that Stewart Lee himself would kill for. Or a thoughtful dissection of Gerry Adams’ place in Irish politics. Or something delightfully sardonic about Vincent Brown’s suit. Your friends duly join in, and just as you’re congratulating yourself for accumulating such effervescent company your ma chimes in with:
‘Don’t forget Uncle Joe’s 70th on Saturday night and for the love of God don’t wear that shirt that makes you look fat. You know the one. You’ve enough to worry about with that acne. xxx Mum’.
Doesn’t matter how cool you are, lads. No one’s immune from relative relativity.
‘Just got the world’s stupidest text message. Eh, no I’m not interested in your stupid fucking good luck chain. Honestly, how braindead would you have to be?’
And it’s not until you get a reply that pouts ‘Sorri 2 hv offended u jeez only tryin 2 briten peoples days i wont make that mistake again dont buther comin 4 dinner sunday’ that you realise you did add your mother-in-law, but having hidden her from your News Feed, you’d completely, blissfully forgotten she was there. See also: ‘So fuckin stooonnnnnnnned. Yay for duvet days!’ when you’re friends with your boss. Or ‘Renounce Satan? I fucking rode him Saturday night!’ when your aunty Joan pops up to thank you for inviting her to your kid’s Christening.
‘Teh world shoudnkow what an amaxing friend @ Mry mu rphy is oh my gdo’
Maybe you and Mary have been out belching Bacardi kisses and she washed that promotional lollipop out of your hair after you wrapped it in your fringe because YOU’RE A UNICORN. Or maybe Mary’s not with you at all. Maybe you’re drinking alone, crying into a bottle of Sambuca, remembering the time you ran over that vagrant and she helped you pack his body in the freezer. We don’t know. The main thing to remember is that drunk status updates are always embarrassing, and everyone’s going to judge you for them. Even if you’re not blaring about how much you miss your ex, or that you’re really indignant about that bouncer who manhandled you after you innocently jumped on his back screaming ‘Hi ho, Silver!’. Even something as innocuous as a dedication to a true pal will mark you a messy lush if you post it at half three in the morning. Mary herself is scarlet. And now she thinks you’re creeping on her.
Cute photo! Your friend looks spiffing in it. Look at him there, resplendent in his trunks on a Spanish beach. Look at her, magnificently doe-eyed with the merest tease of cleavage below. Gotta Like that. It’s a harmless way to let them know you appreciate their facial symmetry, their presence here on Earth. Until you realise that the photo you Liked is actually from 2009 and it’s just sold you out as someone who was heavy-breathing through their entire recorded history. Worse again if you DON’T fancy them, and you’re just a nosy old biddy. Like they’re going to believe that. Perve.
remove parsnip from ass’
Nah, lad. The Google bar’s above you again. Yeah. That’s the one.