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How To… Conduct A Love Affair In The ’90s

Posted April 9, 2013 by Lucy Montague-M​offatt in Ramp Lists

There we were, dancing away to those infectious pop songs many years ago, with no idea that all the tools we needed for a healthy and fulfilling relationship were right there in the lyrics! Yes, ’90s-to-turn-of-the-millennium pop music holds the key to boyfriend/girlfriend bliss! You just have to make sure to follow the instructions carefully. Here is a quick guide to help you on your journey away from unhappy solitude to paired-up joyfulness.


♥ ‘Born to Make You Happy’ – Britney Spears

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Your purpose in life is to make him happy; that is all you are good for. And what a lovely life it is, sitting around in nice clothes with blue eye shadow right up to your eyebrows, thinking about your man 24/7. Your happiness is in direct relation to his happiness so you need to make sure he is always happy in order for you to be happy. Make him many sandwiches, even when he says he doesn’t want one. Make those sandwiches as tall as possible; the bigger the sandwich, the happier the man. Make it as big as him, possibly even sculpting it into a sandwich statue of him. Gosh, he’d really like that. That would make him super happy. Also make sure to stay quiet during any sport. Life complete.

♥ ‘As Long As You Love Me’ – The Backstreet Boys

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What makes the world go round? Love, of course! And that is what makes boys go round too. Love is the most important thing to them. They don’t care about anything else. Literally. It doesn’t matter who you are. You could be their cousin, an aged farmer, the new dear leader of North Korea. All they care about is if you love them. It doesn’t matter where you are from. Even if you believe that you have been sent down from the planet Mars to find out about human life for your alien king, that won’t bother him, as long as you love him. He doesn’t even mind what you did. Have you slept with his Dad? Have you burned all his clothes in a big fire as part of a cleansing ritual? Did you whack him across the face with your copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? None of that matters, as long as you love him. Hooray!

♥ ‘When You’re Looking Like That’ – Westlife

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All relationship problems can be solved by looking sexy. If you think your man is about to break your heart, throw on a leather catsuit and backcomb your hair, porn-star style. As long as you are looking hot-to-trot he’ll never leave your side. If you haven’t been looking your best recently, especially in the morning before you’ve brushed your hair, it is your own fault that he is walking out. The only way to guarantee a long lasting loving relationship is to be super-hot at all times.

♥ ‘The Boy Is Mine’ – Brandy and Monica

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If a girl tells you that she has been having an affair with your boyfriend, she is clearly just jealous of you. Obviously she is lying because that boy is yours; you own him. She is really confused or must be thinking of a different boy, one who is not yours, because that is the only logical conclusion. So when someone tells you they have been seeing your boyfriend, it is all lies, fueled by jealousy, fueled by more lies. He’d never cheat on you. Ever.

♥ ‘Girlfriend’ – ‘N Sync

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All boys want a girlfriend. They are mad for relationships and commitment. Every boy in the world is walking around the planet thinking ‘I wish I had a girlfriend, I hate the freedom of single life!’ So you must make sure to let every boy know that you are looking for a relationship. You must talk about how needy and lonely you are all the time. You must tell every male that you want to be someone’s girlfriend so badly, because this will instantly make you the most attractive girl in the room. Talking about commitment to a boy is like a conversation aphrodisiac to them. You’ll be the only girl dancing on the bonnet of his car in no time.

Readers who have been positively affected by Lucy’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any loss of romantic dignity after reading is purely coincidental.

About the Author

Lucy Montague-M​offatt

Lucy joins many minority groups due to her crippling fear of not being liked by anyone, ever. She is a comedian, vegan, writer and lover of Liberty X. She was once called "Plath with sass" by her brother, and he doesn't even like poetry.

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