How To … Use Social Networking Sites
Have you been boycotting social networking sites? Are you one of those sick people who use the internet for responsible things like reading news and academic research? Well, you’re doing it wrong! That’s ok though, because you’ve accepted the need for change and gone in search of help and help you shall receive. You see, the internet was created for the following reasons:
(a) So people could watch cat videos,
(b) So people could look at cat pictures with funny captions, and…
(c) So people could talk about themselves obsessively and stalk in a safe and supportive environment.
YouTube and Lolcats will cover the first two points and this helpful guide will teach you how to navigate social media like a mo-fo pro!
→ Ease Yourself In
The internet is scary and you don’t want to overload your brain on your first foray into the world of social networking, so Facebook is the best place to start. The entire world is on it so it’s kind of like your real life and therefore familiar. And better.
→ Profile Pic
The first thing you’ll have to do is add your profile picture. The key is to make your picture look as little like you as possible. Spend a couple of hours doing your hair and make-up until you’re barely recognisable to the naked eye. Your picture must also be self-taken, but you should deny this regardless of how blatantly obvious this is. Take a close-up picture, pout and then look in a completely different direction so that it looks like you don’t know you’re taking a picture of yourself and this is just you in a natural moment of pouty pondering. Once you have the picture taken, load it onto your computer and mess around with it – put it in black and white or sepia or ‘polaroid’ style so that people think you’re artsy and original. If you have Photoshop, even better, because you can distort your face even further. You’re basically aiming for someone to arrive on your page and wonder if they clicked the wrong link somewhere along the way.
→ Find Friends
The higher the number of ‘Friends’ you have on Facebook, the more popular everyone will think you are in real life. Add every single person you have ever met/known/seen/heard of in your entire life. Bar the initial stalking of their page, you should wipe them from your memory once they’ve added you. Continue to pretend you don’t recognise them when you pass them on the street.
Anyone with an iPhone needs to get to grips with this. Instagram makes your life look cooler and it’s not just for hipsters anymore. Take pictures of everything. Document every single meal you have and upload the picture with a caption that says “om nom nom” or “yum” – it’s the law. Also take lots of pictures of lakes and rivers and sunsets – this makes people thing you’re deep and also a professional photographer.
→ Gaming Addictions
You must join Farmville, Mafia Wars, Café World – everything and anything you can. Play these obsessively and post every update on your wall. You should continuously invite your Facebook friends to join these games with you. You should also continuously ask them to send you cows and clean your dishes EVEN IF THEY DON’T PLAY THE GAME. Actually, ESPECIALLY if they don’t play the game. It’s like a fun in-joke on Facebook – people will think you’re a hoot and it will make you seem cool.
→ Publish Your Life
Now you’re well adjusted to Facebook, it’s time to investigate new pastures. The next step is to join Twitter. Once you upload your profile picture, you’re pretty much ready to go. You must log every single thing that happens to you – every encounter, every thought, every dream, every anything. If you hear something, tweet it. If you see something, tweet it. It must all be tweeted. Extra points if you can add a picture to make your already mundane tweet seem even more mundane. That is the goal of Twitter – bore as many people as possible.
→ Inspirational Quotes
Every now and again, you should break up that constant stream of mindnumbing updates with inspirational quotes. You will change lives and make days better by posting smug words of motivation. If you can tie them in as a less-than-subtle reference to something that’s actually happening in your life then you’re a pro. Use quotes that everyone’s heard A MILLION TIMES. Your followers will appreciate you reminding them of this familiar saying. These will also make you look deep and very together. Quotes like “dance like no one’s watching” and tired sayings about friendship are gold.
→ Faux Modesty
Other things you can tweet or post on your Facebook wall are fake modesty statements. Things like ‘Wow, I can’t believe someone said I look like Angelina Jolie AGAIN – I just don’t get it’ will remind people of how pretty you are. Other things like ‘OMG, I’m having such a fat day’ are also good, because this will encourage your friends to leave comments like ‘WTF babes, you’re like totes skinny!!’ and ‘Biatch, you’re so crazy, like so f-ing hott’. Which brings me nicely on to my final point…
The key to typing on Facebook and Twitter is to spell like you’re illiterate. Add unnecessary letters onto the end of words to make them look cooler, shorten words to the point that they just about recognisable and speak like a stereotypical ghetto princess and/or like an airhead from The Hills regardless of where you come from. Everyone will think you’re awesome for shitting all over the English language.
Readers who have been positively affected by Catherine’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets and handsome escorts. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any unfriending, unfollowing, blocking or malware thrown at you after reading is purely coincidental.