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How To … Become an Irish It Girl

3
Posted July 24, 2012 by Catherine in Ramp Lists
It-Girls

Do you look at campaign/launch photos in the Metro, trawl through the social pages in Image or stare at pictures on showbiz.ie and wish upon a star that you could live that life? Of course you do! Who doesn’twant to be a second-rate ‘celebrity’ who is famous for nothing? Well, Ramp is once again here to make your dreams come true with this helpful list of tips to turn you from Regular Happy Nice Person to Dublin It Girl.  

♥ Location, Location, Location

Ideally you should have been raised in D4-land or somewhere similarly high class (think Killiney, Howth, etc) but if you didn’t have that privilege, it’s imperative that you move to one of these places as soon as possible. This is an important factor in becoming an It Girl. These are crucial years in which you must grow and learn – you have to have that entitled, privileged self-importance ooze through your pores and into your soul. We’re pretty sure there’s something in the water.

♥ Get the Look

Burn the crap out of your skin or bathe in fake tan – do whatever you need to do to achieve that tangoed look, because you cannot be in the cool gang if you have regular ‘skin-coloured’ skin. Something like that just screams ‘peasant’. Next, you need to dye your hair to the point that it looks like it will snap in half if someone stares at it for a little too long. You need to either go blonde or shoe-polish black. Then locate a buttload of hair extensions to make that mo-fo look like it requires its own passport. Once you’ve got the hair right, pile on the make-up. Use a damn trowel if you have to. Choose panda eyes and a lip colour that blends your mouth into the rest of your face. You must also have some ‘subtle’ collagen pumped into your lips. Pout constantly and tell people its all natural. For nights out, you’ll need towering heels and a short, tight dress. General daywear requires a giant pair of designer sunglasses (regardless of weather) and a giant designer handbag that looks like it could tip you over.

♥ Making Connections

This is especially important if you didn’t grow up in the right place. You need to make your socialite connections ASAP. Study something vague like ‘Orts’ or ‘Morkeshing’ – you’re going to marry rich, so a degree is really just a shiny novelty. College not your thing? No problem! Doing well in a beauty pageant will work, too.

♥ Hobnobbing

Another important way to make the right connections is to hang out in places like Lillies, Krystle and The Wright Venue (apparently The Grafton Lounge is heading that way too, so start hanging out there now so you look like you’re in the know). This is where the models, rugby jocks, socialites and playboys all hang out away from the common folk so they can stare at their reflections together and pay too much for alcohol.

♥ Your Public Profile

You’ve been doing well so far. You’ve met the right people and if they stopped self-obsessing at any point while they were in your presence, they may actually recognise you. Now it’s time to launch your face on the public. You should sign with Assets or a similar model agency, get yourself a profile and then change your Facebook Occupation to ‘model’. Get yourself photographed with other ‘models’ or recognised faces at launches and events and name drop to journalists, so they know you know people. Pretty soon your picture will be appearing on the social pages beside the word ‘model’ and you may even get a gig. Hurrah for the imaginative ‘standing in Stephen’s Green in the depth of winter in a bikini with a politician’ shot.

♥ Advancing Your Career

Now that people know you as a model, you’ve got to show them you’re not a one-trick pony. Get one of your contacts to arrange for you to DJ in some club night. Turn up, pose for pics, stand in the DJ booth and set your iPod to ‘shuffle’ – yay you’re a DJ!

♥ The Reality Show

Here comes the real test of how well you’re doing – does TV3 or RTÉ want to follow you around with a camera? Come Dine With Me, Celebrity Salon, Dublin Housewives, Hey Look at Us ‘Models’ Climbing a Mountain and other such delights offer a multitude of opportunities to get your face on the small screen and your name into the memories of The Little People.

♥ The Ultimate Goal

You have achieved your goal and become a Dublin It Girl – congratulations! Now it’s time to reap your rewards and claim the prize you were really after – a rich husband! Considering the places you’ve been hanging out, you now know plenty of rugby players, socialites and business folk who are looking for a trophy wife. Ditch that regular, down-to-earth guy you’ve been stringing along immediately and nab yourself a worthy mate. Make sure you’re both photographed at millions of z-list events so everyone knows you’re a couple.

♥ Pat Yourself on the Back

You’re now a success. Apparently.

Readers who have been positively affected by Catherine’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets and handsome escorts. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any blacklisting incurred after reading is purely coincidental.


About the Author

Catherine

Catherine often dreams about living in a tiny Parisian apartment and penning the next great novel of her generation until she remembers how impossible it is to get a decent cup of tea in France.

  • http://twitter.com/johnmfinn John Finn

    Is there a version of this available for guys or would it just say “be good at rugby”?

    • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

      ‘Good at rugby’ I think would cover it. Anyway, if I saw a guide to how to be an Irish It Guy I’d assume it was some sort of do-it-yourself computer course.

      • http://twitter.com/johnmfinn John Finn

        In which case the only piece of advice in the article would be ‘have you tried turning it off and on again’.

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