How To … Get Your Ex Back
After Ramp.ie’s helpful piece on how to survive a break-up, many readers who weren’t quite ready to give up on their relationships asked for some helpful tips on how to get back together with an ex. Of course, I was happy to oblige.
So here are some steps you can take to win back the heart of your beloved:
♥ Be Personal
Your first move should be a face-to-face. Show up at his place and make sure it’s late at night as this is far more dramatic and therefore romantic. If you can, time it for when it’s raining and wear flimsy clothing as this will make you look vulnerable and boys like saving vulnerable girls. You should also wear lots of eyeliner and mascara so that when you cry, it streaks down your face. You may think it will make you look deranged, but actually this will emphasise your sadness and make him want to hug you.
♥ The Interweb Is Your Friend
If this doesn’t work – and make sure you do it every night for a couple of weeks – you should turn to the internet. Social networks are ideal for times like this as everyone you both know can see what you write and your public displays of devotion will win him over. Don’t be afraid to say how you really feel as he will respect your honesty. Say things like “I miss watching you urinate” so that he knows you appreciate the mundane things about him and are in it for the long haul. You should also say things like “You’ll die if we aren’t together” to help him realise the implications of your separation on his happiness because boys can be a little slow to realise things connected with emotions.
♥ Burn Things
You should stand outside his apartment/house (preferably under the bedroom window so he’s more likely to see you) and burn pictures of the two of you together. This visual display of the distruction your relationship will be the gentle shock needed to make him realise how painful and terrifying being without you would be. Also fire is pretty.
♥ Write Him A Musical
Many people feel that the best way express one’s self is through the medium of song. You should put your thoughts and feelings to music. Document your time together and pay special attention to all misery you will both endure if you don’t give back together. Perform it for him the next time your mutual group of friends is having a get-together. Use pigs blood for dramatic effect as fake blood never looks quite right. He’ll appreciate your attention to detail.
Everyone likes to receive gifts and since there is an endless amount of love songs out there with composers declaring they’d kill for their beloved, you should follow their lead. Leave small dead animals on his doortstep. Everyone loves a cute animal and the fact you’re willing to commit murder for him will make him swoon. Plus boys love gore and blood and violence in movies, so he’ll respect the fact you’re not squeamish.
♥ Branch Out
Boys are terrified of their feelings, so in order to avoid dealing with his love for you, he might have a restraining order taken against you. Keep in mind that every great couple in history has faced trials and challenges, so don’t let this deter you. The restraining order doesn’t stop you from seeing his family and friends. Approach them regularly and persuade them to talk some sense into him. Some helpful diagrams might help your efforts. Something similar to this picture I’ve drawn would be a good idea:
This is an effective visual metaphor for the mental anguish he will suffer if he denies his love for you and how he will never find another to fill the void you’ll leave in his heart.
If these tips don’t work then he’s obviously a complete idiot and you’re better off without him. At this point, you should just walk away and find someone worthy of your love. You don’t want to be that person who doesn’t know when to give up and ends up looking like a psycho, after all.
Readers who have been positively affected by Catherine’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets and handsome escorts. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any negative escalation of your romantic misadventures after reading is purely coincidental.