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Ramp Randoms: What’s REALLY Going To Happen In 2013

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Posted January 9, 2013 by Laura in Ramp Lists

2013. Two thousand and thirteen. Twenty thirteen. ‘Tis an awfully clumsy sounding year with equally ominous potential if you happen to be the superstitious type. Here is what to expect… probably.

  • Your New Year’s Resolutions. Just stop. Save yourself the hassle, stress and misery, particularly if you plan on parading around a gym in tiny shorts in January pretending to strangers that you know what you are doing. Unless they are sensible resolutions, you’ll only disappoint yourself with your inevitable failure and that’s the worst.
  • OBAMA WILL DO SOMETHING BRILLIANT IN FERMANAGH AND YOU WILL SWOON.
  • There will be rumours that every Irish music festival will be cancelled.
  • CAT VIDEOS.
  • David Cameron will make a speech about how the foetus of a privileged blonde man and a woman who, despite having her wedding broadcast everywhere but the Moon itself still gets referred to by her maiden name, is ‘good for the nation’ despite said foetus doing nothing but giving us something to stare at as we wait for it to do something interesting (it won’t).
  • SPORTS WILL HAPPEN.
  • A new book series about a school of vampires with kinky sex habits and a penchant for battling to the death in an arena will be released, with one half of the population declaring it to be the most important work of fiction since The Bible and the other half dedicating long hours to ridiculing it when they should be doing something more productive.
  • YOU WILL DRINK SO MUCH THAT YOU DECLARE THAT YOU ARE NEVER DRINKING AGAIN BUT THEN YOU WILL.
  • Because the person responsible for ensuring that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian didn’t have enough time (in between selling what remains of their mortal souls for publicity) to rub up against each other and reproduce seriously dropped the ball, we will welcome the birth of a child who will no doubt be forced by the media to fight Blue Ivy Carter to the death at some generic awards ceremony in years to come.
  • UNDERWHELMING AND/OR OVERRATED BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES WILL BE RELEASED AND WE WILL COMPLAIN THAT HOLLYWOOD HAS RUN OUT OF IDEAS.
  • We will all continue to pretend that we don’t read the right hand column of the Daily Mail, clawing slowly through every article depicting 15 photographs of barely legal side boob and Miranda Kerr’s legs. We will all continue to pretend that we don’t watch reality television. We will all continue to pretend we don’t conduct fake interviews/give imaginary award speeches/practice upcoming (potentially awkward) conversations with ourselves in the shower.
  • MOAR INTERNETS.
  • Your friends shall bite your head off for failing to religiously follow the next big ‘must see’ TV show from America that you’ll never get around to watching anyway because by then Twitter will have shoved all the spoilers into your face with the ferocity of hot coals flung during a tantrum.
  • Taylor Swift will run out of male celebrities to date and she’ll become a lesbian for three albums.
  • YOU WILL HAVE AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS BUT THEN YOU’LL HAVE A JAM BUN AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK AGAIN.
  • 80% of your friends will move to Australia or Canada and litter your Facebook timeline with thousands of photographs showing off how their life is so much better now that they live in a magical far away land. You will be jealous but that’s just what they want.
  • MORE CAT VIDEOS.
  • It will probably snow at some point and the world will laugh at how terrible we are at dealing with weather of any kind.
  • Someone will write a ridiculous, offensive or controversial blog post/newspaper article/tweet; we will be horrified and respond by circulating it to everyone we know on social networks.
  • WE WILL REPLACE GANGNAM STYLE AND THE WORLD SHALL WEEP.
  • Thanks to the refusal of numerous political representatives to listen to the very constituents who put them in office, we peasants shall lose the bap, storm the various Governmental castles with pitchforks and resort to cannibalism.
  • YOU WILL WORK OUT YOUR BACON NUMBER.
  • Your friends will engage, marry, reproduce, multiply, divorce and mortgage and you’ll have a moment of panic that they are moving through life much quicker than you. Don’t worry. We’re all at the same maturity level when we’re blind drunk and trying to order a kebab at 3am.
  • OH SO MANY CAT VIDEOS.
  • We will find some long lost prediction for the end of the world from another ancient civilisation (Incas?) and we’ll take it seriously, never bothering to remember that said civilisation were so useless at predicting the future, they failed to foresee their own extinction.
  • Relationships will evolve and dissolve. Life will begin and end. Your happiness will ebb and flow. Sometimes, you will run out of tea bags. The important thing to remember, as we desperately feel around in the darkness of the unknown, is to grab this year by the proverbial balls, embrace every opportunity and try not to beat yourself up for spending the odd Saturday night in, by yourself, in your pants, with a face smothered in chocolate.

Here at Ramp.ie, we wish you GOOD LUCK for 2013 because fuck knows we’re all going to need it.

 


About the Author

Laura

Laura likes stuff, enjoys things and hates surprises.

  • Sascha O’Toole

    2013 will be alright as long as we have EVEN MORE CAT VIDEOS.

  • http://twitter.com/nuckpang Stephen R.

    I can’t help but think you’re screaming every other point at me. Which is fine when you’re saying “HAVE A JAM BUN AND IT’LL BE FINE”, but not so great when you’re yelling “SPORTS WILL HAPPEN!”. I had enough of that when I was 15, thank you very much.

  • http://twitter.com/Sarklor Ciaran O’Brien

    I intend to carpe the SHIT out of those diems. Also cat videos.

  • http://twitter.com/Fearganainim Fearganainim

    I’m disappointed not to see any Zombie Outbreaks being mentioned. Because,zombies.

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