Ramp Randoms: How to Be Irish… For The Gathering Crowds
So you’re coming home to the land of your forefathers for the Gathering. It’s true that Ireland is a rather more cosmopolitan place than Leap Year made out, but there are still some cultural hiccups awaiting you, especially if you’re heading somewhere outside one of our major urban centres. Luckily, Ann is here with fifteen points to follow if you’re heading into the untamed wilds of the Emerald Isle this 2013.
Pints. NEVER half pints. EVER. Order a pint, even if you leave half of it after you (which, granted, is sacrilege). Oh, and don’t admit you’re drunk. Only when you’re hungover may you admit you were drunk, at which stage it is fine to blame the last pint you drank, but none of the others.
Follow noise. If, while out socialising, you are confused as to where to go, following noise will always get you somewhere. Unless that noise comes in the form of chanting, prayer or Westlife.
It’s not bacon, it’s a RASHER. It forms the basis of every meal.
Whiskey is not to be skulled but rather drunk WITH a pint. You can ‘go’an have a shite for yerself’ if you want a cocktail or a light beer.
Follow the directions you get, not the signs. We change the signs all the time, for the laugh. In fact everything is usually done ‘for the laugh’; just try reading any of our national news.
A bag of Taytos provides a hearty stomach lining before engaging in Step 1, 2, 4 or 9. Also, they’re called ‘crisps’ not ‘chips’. Chips are what you have after, but covered in coleslaw or curry.
Swear whenever possible, but only in a pastoral way.
- ‘Go’wan ta fuck outta dat’ – You are telling me a large lie.
- ‘Where the fuck are we goin?’ – This road appears to lead off the edge of a cliff.
- ‘Come on ta’fuck’ – Let’s all go together.
- ‘The fuckin mad fucker’ – That great guy.
- ‘That fucking mad wan’ – That great girl.
If you must complain, do complain, but only to the wrong person.
INSIDE voice. If we can hear only your voice in a crowded bar, we hate you.
Don’t complain about the prices. WE KNOW; WE’RE stuck here.
Don’t wear green. We don’t. Unless you’re a hot ginger, then by all means wear green.
Do it ‘for the craic’. It’s like the Irish version of ‘Just do it’ or ‘Yes, we can’ but with added drink and laughing.
Outside of the cities, you will only find tae. None of your low-fat, skinny, hazelnut swirly shite here. Just TAE.
No tans please. Don’t frighten us with your worship of false gods in the sky.
Iron nothing! You should look like you slept in a hedge, and at least once during your holiday you should do that.