14 Rules for Making Someone Love You… According to the Internet
We at Ramp are the romantic sort. We watch soppy movies that make us want to eat our feelings. We openly criticise but yet secretly enjoy over-the-top flash mob proposal videos on YouTube. We sometimes find ourselves planning our tasteful, expensive wedding to George Clooney in our heads when we should be thinking about something a little bit more grown up like … we dunno … door hinges or some shite.
The problem with romantic scenarios is that it takes two. What if the only person that loves you is your Ma? What if you are single? What if you are just harbouring a crush on someone that you spend unhealthy amount of time Facebook stalking? What if you are with someone right now and for some inexplicable reason they haven’t declared their undying love? It has been a week already. What the hell is wrong with them?
So how do you make that new partner or crush fall in love with you? Well thankfully we saw the following link on THE INTERNET offering all the best advice and Reader? It’s confusing as bejesus.
Legal Note: This seems to be catered for lonely women who take Kate Hudson films a little too seriously. Men! If you want to make a woman love you, just adapt to these rules. Men and women are basically the same anyway because EQUALITY.
#15 You First!
This tip is perhaps the most important one. It may be cliché, but as Carrie Bradshaw once famously said, you cannot love another person and expect to be loved in return unless you love yourself first! Wise words.
You are fucking brilliant. Fight anyone who says otherwise even your crush.
#14 Don’t Overdo It
While you may think that showering your guy with affection is the way to his heart, think again! Studies have shown that guys actually find it a turn off when girls give more than they do because it turns them into more of a mother figure, rather than a friend or girlfriend.
See that person you like? Don’t even think about showing them affection. Reader… no. Put your hands away. Be a cold, lifeless shell that barely resembles a human being with a functioning soul. They’ll love it.
#13 And Action!
Sometimes it’s nice to spice things up a bit, so why not choose a date more suited to him? Guys love action-packed activities, so next time you spend time together, let him make the suggestions!
Pick a date that involves several quite genuine threats to their life and at least one explosion. Remember the end of Speed? THAT COULD BE YOU.
You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder! While spending lots of time together is a sure way to his heart, so is reminding him of how much he loves spending time with you!
If you love someone, you must never see them again.
#11 Take It Slow
When it comes to the physical side of your relationship, the best advice is to take it slow and allow it to develop gradually over time. This allows the two of you to build trust, one of the most important aspects of love.
You might assume the best way to approach making the sexy times is to move at a pace that is normal and natural to you. YOU ARE WRONG. Take it slow. Take it so slow that you momentarily think that the other person has drifted into a coma.
#10 Keep It Intriguing
A woman’s instinct is to share a lot all at once, so make sure you keep some intrigue! Men love a bit of mystery after all.
Tell them nothing but your name. Let them guess absolutely everything else about you.
#9 Two-Way Street
The reality is, you can’t expect him to love you if you don’t love him in return. Love is a two-way street, so make sure your desires are true, and that you don’t simply crave the affection and attention of another.
But … but you just said you can’t expect him to love you if you don’t love yourself. We are so confused.
#8 A Man’s Heart
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, as they say. But the truth is, everyone likes to be fed! Serve him up a treat and watch him (hopefully) return the favor. Love is about all the senses after all!
Ha! Humanity. Always eating, we are. What are we like eh? How many desserts does it take before it tastes like love? Now is your chance to find out. If food doesn’t work, replace food with vodka. Sweet, sweet vodka.
#7 Friendship = Key
While love and flirting are important, so is friendship! Love is about being best friends with one another too.
Because nothing is better than ensuring you have one foot firmly planted in ‘The Friend Zone’ so even if everything goes tits up, you can still have an excuse to spend time with them without resorting to loitering by their window in the dead of night in the rain, hoping they’ll glance outside, spot you staring lovingly and find it romantic.
#6 The Joker
Men know that women love a man who makes them laugh! If every time you see a guy and he makes you laugh, you leave him feeling good about himself. In turn, he begins to associate this feel-good rush with you, therefore leading to lots of love potential!
You know your work laugh? That laugh you laugh out of politeness when you hear those same goddamn jokes that weren’t funny the first time you heard them but you want to avoid an awkward situation. Yes. That laugh. Throw in a couple of extra giggles and you’ll have your flirty laugh down even if that person isn’t funny.
Laugh anyway because you know what’s less funny than fake laughter?
#5 Confidant Woman
Relying on your man doesn’t mean being a crumbling mess without him! Men are strongly attracted to confident women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to get it! So give him reasons to admire you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
#4 Reliance Is Key
Showing him that you rely on him (not TOO much) and allowing him to also rely on you will do wonders for your relationship. This way you allow the bond to deepen, opening yourselves up for love.
First, buy 500 jars of pickles. Allow your ‘bond to deepen’ by calling him each day with a new jar of pickles to help you open. If he asks where all the pickles are going DO NOT ANSWER. It will only add to your mystery.
#3 Time = Love
Spend time together! If there is a mutal attraction to begin with, then the more time you both spend together will allow the two of you to become closer. He’ll learn to love one-on-one time with you.
He’ll learn to love one-on-one time with you … or else.
#2 Choose Similarities
Instead of dwelling on your differences, focus on your similarities instead! While sometimes you can benefit from trying new things to impress your potential lover, just make sure you don’t fake interest! He’ll be able to tell straight away.
“What a coincidence! You fabricrated your entire personality to get ME to like YOU? I fabricated my entire personality to get YOU to like ME!”
#1 Eye Spy
A US study has shown that lovers spend 75% of their time together staring one another in the eye. Ensuring that you give your crush eye-contact encourages him to look you in the eyes too, therefore encouraging his brain to think about love.
Look them in THE EYE? Ha. Well, this is embarrassing. Thanks for the advice, Internet. We were way off.
Follow these tips, Reader and you will soon find love. The Internet has never steered you wrong before.