Ramp Randoms: Preparing Your Child for a Beauty Pageant
With the announcement today that US children’s beauty pageant the Universal Royal Beauty Pageant is coming to Ireland in November (at the behest of over 300 parents who wrote letters to them, no less) the team at Ramp.ie felt a little panicked. Unprepared for such news. That’s right Mums and Dads… you have only a little over three short months to prepare your young for competition.
Always practical, we felt the best way to react to being caught on the back foot was to begin planning immediately. And so we present to you – the Ramp Guide to Improving Your Child…
As we all know, Irish children don’t get enough sunlight and are considered pasty and unappealing to the rest of the world. It’s important to tan the living shite out of your little darlings if you want to ready them for competition. The fact that the pageant is taking place on home soil is a small mercy, as they will only have to complete against other ugly Irish children. Nonetheless, if you want your offspring to rise to the top and emerge victorious, it’s not enough just to tan on the day. You’ll also need to dip-dye them in a vat of honey beige for several weeks prior to the event to create a good base layer. As an added bonus, it is scientifically proven that if you tan your child from a young age they will learn that they must relentlessly pursue physiological self-improvement possibly before they even know how to walk. Score!
The Universal Royal Beauty Pageant themselves say: “From four and up, we like some hair and make-up, but it’s only enough to accentuate their natural beauty on-stage. We’re not wanting a four-year-old to look like a 30-year-old”. So let’s be clear here – your child’s natural beauty is not enough and must be accentuated. Cute milk teeth? Ruddy baby cheeks? Innocent doe eyes? Not good enough! It’s hard to know which parts of them you must ‘accentuate’ (read: modify beyond all recognition) so it’s best to do everything. They’re already fake tanned, but a litre of foundation won’t do any further harm since their pores are already clogged until 2070, so lash that on and then get moving with the blusher (necessary as you have covered their natural healthy child glow), mascara and eyeshadow (hey, ten-year-olds can’t look sultry on their own) and some lip gloss for that just-sucked-a-lollipop sticky innocent shine.
There’s nothing wrong with a girl liking to get her hair did, and for this reason alone you must beware. Other mothers will be well versed in the traditional crimping, curling and straightening routines and it will merely look run-of-the-mill. If you are competing against children who are Irish dancers, they will have an unbeatable abundance of curls and an enviable stage presence already in place. To rise above this, you will have to go hardcore on the hair. Consider a weave. Little Mary will almost definitely not be bullied in the schoolyard for being different – and if she is, that’s the price of fame. She’ll plough through because she wants to please you and she knows that what’s best for her is to satisfy your relentless pursuit of accolades in order to win your love. What’s the point in a child who’s not in competition form anyway? If you face any resistance, yell “You’re barely fuckin’ worth the mickey money!” or “I can’t believe you’re giving me shit when I’m trying my best to make you good looking!” and remind her that you are being forced to live vicariously because you lost your figure bringing her into the world. The ungrateful little wench.
Handily, the bones in children’s feet are not fully developed for a good number of years. What this means is that if you get them into heels early enough, you can actually shape their growth patterns so that their bones develop according to their chosen footwear and how they move, like antelopes in the wild essentially. You know how some African tribes use those neck rings to gradually lengthen a woman’s neck by adding one at a time? Start Mary off in one inch heels this week and she should be able to cope with a decent 10 inches by the time the pageant rolls around in November. If her feet are looking too large to be ladylike, consider foot binding. She’ll thank you when she finds a husband.
Inevitably, all of the pre-pageant prep will tire a girl. It’s simply no use to have a picture of loveliness out on stage if she can’t perform. In order to ensure vitality and pep, we recommend creating a concoction of sugar, coffee and any other ‘energy’ foods you can find, whizzing it together in a blender and feeding it to her pre-show. Call it Go Juice. Pretend there was an ad for it. Children love brand names. If you’re worried that glasses or straws might smudge that perfect lip gloss, just invest in some syringes and inject it into her arse cheek. It’s not like she’s not used to bending over to please you anyway, DevilMomma.
The Irish landscape is terribly lacking in activities for young ‘uns and as such Irish children have little by way of interests and talents. In a way, this is helpful as it means your child (read: pageant entry) won’t be crying to go play with their friends or attend an age-appropriate event while you are readying them for competition. However, it can come back to bite you when you are trying to come up with something for them to do on stage. Therefore, it’s best to prepare something early. Irish dancing, majorettes and singing will be standard fare. To stand out from the crowd, you should consider something like knife-throwing. It wouldn’t do for a girl to be the knife-thrower, but what’s her father good for if he can’t be pressed into service to fire a few blades at her while she stands at the centre of a rudimentary circle painted on the wall of the shed of a Saturday? Don’t worry about injury – it’s all trial and error and there’s a good few weekends to recover from injury ahead of competition if you start soon. It’s also an idea to pre-heat the knives over a fire before you start, that way, if she is accidentally stabbed, the wound will be simultaneously cauterised. Genius!
Imagine being beaten because another child had more diamonds sewn onto her frou-frou dress? The actual shame. It is advisable to re-mortgage your house to pay for an appropriate competition wardrobe. If you have already re-mortgaged your house due to unfavourable economic conditions consider putting your ageing parents in a home and re-mortgaging their house. We already know you’re ruthless. And in fairness, what kind of pageant would two doddery OAPs be good for? The Geriatric Beauty Grand Prix? LOL. If anything you should’ve been looking into nursing homes already to keep their unapologetically saggy skin out of the public eye. Your mother has been asking for this since she turned down the do it yourself botox kit you bought from a reputable online seller. She brings shame on your house – and her house – and now both houses are re-mortgaged.
In these seven steps, we’ve outlined a comprehensive guide to getting your girl pageant-ready. Tune in next week when we tell you how to exorcise the demon in your soul.