Kill This Word – ‘Croissant’
Some words are wonderful. Words like bubble, giblet, svelte, eloquent, pip, glutinous and fart. Some words are not. Words like screech, schedule, damp, tax and Uranus. Some words are just inexplicably frustrating, which is why I propose that we kill the word ‘croissant’.
You may be confused. Why would anyone be possibly offended by the word ‘croissant’? It’s a French word, for a start and everyone knows that French words not only roll off the tongue in the most satisfying way but they make you precisely 15% more attractive for saying them. Also, croissants are exceptionally delicious and are a welcome addition to any cheap ‘continental breakfast’ in that crappy B n’ B you were assured wasn’t as ‘rapey’ as it looked online.
Well my problem with the word is that no one outside French-speaking countries seems to be able to, or sure how to, pronounce it and it’s making us look like dicks.
According to the French (and The Internet), it is supposedly pronounced ‘kruh-sahnt’.
Not, ‘cross-ahnt’ or ‘quoa-saunt’ or ‘quoass-ant’. Nor is it ‘kru-sunt’, ‘criss-awnt’ or ‘croi-saant’.
These various common mispronunciations make us all look like uncultured swines and yet we are never corrected and continue to order our pastries like those eejits who pronounce the silent letters in words. This word, if it ever appeared in my French textbook, would make me break out in a cold sweat in case I had to read it out aloud and risk appearing like an idiot. In France, when ordering breakfast from the local pâtisserie, I would simply point, hopelessly and silently, in the middle of my order to avoid insulting the native speaker behind the counter. It’s a nice word, yes, but one that brings a whole set of problems… for sad linguistic perfectionists, at least.
Now understandably, you can’t just go grabbing your pitchforks and torches, march to France and tell them their word for ‘buttery viennoiserie bread roll in a pretty crescent shape’ is no longer acceptable and shall be replaced. That would be rude. I simply suggest that we, the plebs who can’t pronounce foreign words correctly, should adopt our own word for the pastry. What about ‘Moon Bun’? Tis shaped like a crescent moon and whilst it’s not quite a bun, it’s better than ‘Moon cake’ which sounds like something one would acquire in Amsterdam in order to have a thoroughly good time. ‘Moon Bun’ might not be a great name but we’re thinking on our feet here, people. Use your imagination, I can’t do everything around here.
So there we go. Croissants are now ‘Moon Buns’. So it is written and so it shall be done. Go forth my minions and try not to burn any bakeries to the ground if you can.
