How To… Stay Safe
Friends, Romans, Cowardlymen: these are dangerous times we live in. America has declared war on terrorists. Algeria has declared war on hostages. Australia has 70% of the world’s most deadly creatures, as if to say ‘just try it, punk.’. This is your first unofficial tip: never go to Australia. Statistics don’t lie – there’s a 44% chance that you will be murdered before the end of this article, as 100% of people who aren’t you are plotting to kill you right now. So read faster and skip the punctuation marks. For nervous speed-readers, this remainder of this article has been condensed into just the first letters of every word at the bottom of the page*.
If you want to stay alive, you need to stay vigilant and prepare yourself for every single situation out there. As such, your reactions will be fluid and instinctual. Ramp’s premier guide in Health and Safety and Safe Health and Health Safety, or HSSHHS (pronounced hush-hush) will keep you alive longer than a sequoia crossbred with a Galapagos tortoise.
◊ Get Fat
We must first start with the worst-case scenario. Picture the scene: you’ve already been captured and the killer is frogmarching you into his evil lair of doom to be eviscerated, exploded, or possibly eroded if he’s anything like the asshole from Saw with cancer. Suddenly you stop moving. He (only men kill people, but women can lure you to these men – trust no gender) is displeased and demands to know why your forward progress has ceased. I’m too fat! you explain. He meanders his head between your sweat-pumping raised arms and sees that your recently-acquired 150k of flab has indeed inhibited your ingress into his dungeon of veritable torturopoly, lined with depraved sexual instruments and populated only by adorable and well looked-after detergent-white bunnies (he’s not a monster!). He supposes that, lacking the finances or a contact with access to a tower crane to move you, he’ll have to let you go. Take no chances and kick him in the testicles as David Beckham would an Argentine. By the time Mr. Attempted Murder has sunk to the floor in agony, you should be halfway to your safe house.
◊ Safe house locations
Sell everything you own; invest in locks. Your entertainment is unimportant. Your comfort is unimportant. Your emotional attachment to the outside world is unimportant. All that matters is your sanctuary. Good places to lodge are bomb shelters already located within bomb shelters in case the original bomb shelter is blown up. Underneath subway junctions are also useful, as they are close to vending machines full of goodies and make excellent temporary bomb shelters. Your next best option is a rickety old haunted house. Though this may sound counter-intuitive the truth is nobody fucks with a rickety old crusty haunted house. There’s usually a bit of a crawlspace behind grandfather clocks, or a secret staircase that only rotates into view when you play a certain combination of augmented notes on the grand piano [side note – if the rickety old crusty battered haunted house doesn’t have a dusty, cobweb-covered grand piano, then it’s not really a rickety old crusted battered sad-looking haunted house]. It should be noted that rickety old crusted battered sad-looking shit-stained haunted houses make for hilariously inadequate bomb shelters.
◊ Indoor protocol
Make sure you stock up on your supplies of food – at least 8 years’ worth at a time. You can survive as little as on one biscuit and two licks of the condensation on your safe house walls per day. Sometimes non-poisonous mushrooms will naturally grow, which is helpful. Once you have sold all your worldly belongings from the previous step and bought a ton of locks, install them and buy more. Whenever you happen to hear tale from the voices in your head of a nearby wandering locksmith, negotiate with them for a regular trade of goods – namely locks for your own homemade fertiliser. Insist that the more food he contributes, the faster you can provide fertiliser too. Trading with the man may prove challenging and time-consuming, as you will have already installed several thousand locks on your front door by this time. You must also have a back door as an escape route, with just one fewer lock on it for evasive convenience.
◊ Outdoor protocol
Going outside is completely unacceptable and should never be done once you have installed the 17,000th lock on your main door. If you ever do find yourself outside, try to locate a new safe house as quickly as possible. Imagine you live in the world of Minecraft, only it’s night all the time and you can never have any weapons. Should you ever find yourself obligated to go to a funeral of a former acquaintance (who was too short-sighted to read this article, or too slow), then always carry around several see-through plastic bags of your own excrement, as that will drop you way down on pretty much all of the 4 billion known serial killers’ preferred target lists. Plus, you’ll get a good seat with no one next to you at the funeral. This is NOT a time-independent hazard preventative measure as, like any smell, it can be gotten used to fairly sharpish.
◊ Achieve extra-dimensionality
When the world has gone to hell and there are officially no safe houses left on the Earth, you could do worse than try to immediately achieve both spiritual and cosmic enlightenments, stepping forth into a dimension free from things like frequency, disease, apples, crocodiles, pepperoni, Lego, or money. Once there, find a safe house and go back to the start of the cycle.
◊ Trust no one
Especially not this writer
* Safety for speed readers
Readers who have been positively affected by Rú’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any sectioning under the mental health act after reading is purely coincidental.