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11 Horrible Types of Person You Encounter on Twitter and What They Might Look Like

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Posted May 15, 2013 by Rú Hickson in Humour
arsehead

You don’t have to spend a very long time on the Internet before someone pisses you off. Across various social media, certain personality types begin to appear and you quickly come to the realisation that they only exist to cause you the sort of mental pain normally reserved for one of Uday Hussein’s birthday outings to Basra State Penitentiary.

Nowhere is the phenomenon more immediately evident than on Twitter, where it usually takes no more than 140 characters to reveal just who is that very special kind of arsehole.

1. The Twacktavist

The Twacktavist always has far too many tweets, and is vocally aggressive over things like their nation’s political issues despite not committing to any particular party, another nation’s political issues, social issues, despair over the youth of today, rising crime, being working class despite being comfortably in the middle class income bracket. They will often tweet praise to amateur comedians from time to time in order to come off as ‘not always serious’. They are always serious. This person neither votes nor donates to charity, but gets off on the idea of being the voice of a generation.

Key hashtags

#typical

#scandal

What they probably look like

2. The RTwat

Arguably the most infuriating person on twitter, the RTwat will take someone else’s tweet and tweet it again, but instead of pressing the retweet, will manually stick RT in front of the text, because they feel it’s more important coming from their account, with their face beside it. And yes, their profile picture will be their face. The true infuriating nature of this person will be revealed once they take your tweet – your one good tweet out of the 14,000 or so you have – and stick those two borderline plagiaristic letters in front of it for the sole purpose of pissing you off

Key hashtags

#lol

#tru

What they probably look like

3. The RT-cyst

Usually the first person anyone gets annoyed about on Twitter, this user will usually have a decent amount of followers, more due to their job than their accomplishments. For every positive response to an ‘original’ link or joke they ‘find’ from Reddit or Facebook, their narcissistic streak will take over and they’ll make bloody well sure that every commendation they receive will be retweeted into the stratosphere, so all and sundry can see how utterly brilliant they are. Unfortunately for them, it only serves to show what a turnip they are.

Key hashtags

#legend

#dairy

What they probably look like

4. The Manic Sympathiser

The manic sympathiser will actively go looking for tragedies around the world to which they can attach themselves. They’re that despicable sort of person who acts like the best friend of that quiet guy from your 3rd year class that died in a car crash back in February, despite barely talking to them and owing them money. In reality, the Manic Sympathiser does it all for a little attention and does not give a a good goddamn about anything or anyone else.

Key hashtags

#omgsosorry

#icantevenrightnow

What they probably look like

5. The Perennial Condescender

The Perennial Condescender will have subtweets galore, dismissing and snarking at the actions of others. Their passive-aggressive sentiment is as compelling as it is unsavoury. Will often rant about how they can’t find a sexual partner. Will act better than you and sure as hell tweet about it when they do get laid. Will act like they’re better than you regardless. They’re sneering right now, probably at this article, keeping a stiff upper lip and squinting their eyes to appear tough to the person who’s not looking at them right now.

Key hashtags

#ohhoney

#whatever

What they probably look like

6. The Shadow Lurker

This user will never, ever, ever contribute anything to the social media intelligentsia, despite being online and viewing what others say 23 hours a day. When they do tweet, it’s likely to be a simple “Yeah”

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or “Haha”. Often comes across as creepy. Is probably creepy.

Key hashtags

#Yeah

#Haha

What they probably look like

7. The Namedropper

The Namedropper will always include the Twitter handle of a famous person, a hip bar or restaurant, or a social media-savvy company, but will ensure the @ is in the middle of the tweet, so that every single one of their followers can know they were doing something cooler than you, and that this happens often.

Key hashtags

#exclusive

#FREEBAR

What they probably look like

8. The Starchaser

Quite a normal person in reality, but every third tweet will be in response to an actual famous person – though, usually not A-list famous, like Lady Gaga or LeBron James, rather screenwriters, journalists, DJs and comedians (people who actually respond to every tweet they get) – in order to feel validated. This leaves the Starchaser with a feeling of incredible smugness, because, y’know, they’re rubbing shoulders with, like, the ‘Twitterati’ now, and that’s kind of a big thing.

Key hashtags

#FF

#kickstarter

What they probably look like

9. The Turkey Strangler

Someone who constantly edits and retypes every message they put up on Twitter. Should the Turkey Strangler ever build up the courage to actually publish a tweet, it will be deleted within a minute, for fear of any kind of feedback. This person will never send a DM, even to a bot, as they believe it would be interpreted as some kind of a aggravated personal Internet assault, and they’ll end up going to jail.

Key hashtags

#[deleted]

#[deleted]

What they probably look like

10. The Twitter Sleb

The Twitter Sleb has enough followers that you wonder what they’re famous for, but feel too embarrassed to ask, as everyone else seems to know. No one actually knows. This person’s mysteriously high number of followers is like an online version of a phantom traffic jam. Will probably have released an unsuccessful book at some stage, maybe even appeared on TV on a cookery programme that one time. Their profile links to their blog, which will have a kooky, but long name. Will likely have 120k+ tweets. Would put ‘an active member of the online community’ on their CV.

Key hashtags

#toomanytweetstoanswer

#mynextproject

What they probably look like

11. The Amorphous Blobby Fish Person

They don’t tweet, they don’t contribute, they do nothing except stare at what the entire world is saying all day. They’re there. And they’re always watching you. Judging you. And the smell fishy like someone who’s been on social media a little too long.


About the Author

Rú Hickson

Despite initial wealth, Ru bankrupted himself by acquiring every existing second-hand copy of Duke Nukem Forever and placing it in a pile he uses for the express purposes of urinating onto and crying over in an unhealthy, but surprisingly therapeutic, downward spiral.

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