How To … Have Sex and Be Really Awesome At It
Cosmo has spent years capitalising on women’s desperate need to satisfy their men in the bedroom, while magazines like Men’s Health have been teaching their readers just what it is women want. But with so many tips and hints out there, the journey to Sex-God-dom can be confusing and tiring, so let us make things easy for you with this simple guide to being a sexual Casanova.
First we need to make sure you have someone to use these skills on. If you’re in a relationship, then awesome, you have your test subject. If you’re sad and single, a sex buddy is just around the corner. Girls, walk up to a guy and ask him to have sex with you. Success!
Guys, it takes a little more work.
♥ Sussing her out
Scanning a club for babes you can bang may seem like a daunting task, but there are some simple ways to spot the easy girl. If she wears red, she wants to have sex – ignore any illogical thoughts you may have regarding the fact she might like the colour. If she’s wearing a tight dress, she wants to have sex. The idea that she might have spent A MILLION HOURS in the gym and wants wear something to show off her hard work is preposterous. Once you get talking to her, analyse her leg movements. If she spreads them at all, she’s telling you she wants to be mounted. Crossing them is a sign that she’s a big oul prude who plans on staying a virgin until she’s married.
♥ Luring Her
According to Men’s Health, women only think about how attractive you think they are, bread, marriage and whether or not to leave their underwear on. If they find you attractive, they will basically do whatever they have to do to keep you interested (for fear of dying alone). Flash her a smile, then ignore her. Talk to her a little, then check out another attractive girl. She’ll be so deranged with insecurity, she’ll willingly sleep with you and will spend the whole time making sure she looks as perfect as possible while trying to please you in every way.
Now that you have your One-Night-Stand-Er or a girlfriend/boyfriend, it’s time to work on your sexy sex moves.
♥ Disguising Noise
Many people feel inhibited knowing that a flatmate might hear them in the throes of passion, so pop a movie into the DVD player to drown out your screams and moans.
DO play a horror movie really loudly as your flatmates will think screams are from the movie and not you (you’ll obviously have to make sure you only live with idiots). This will also create an incredibly sexy and/or romantic atmosphere.
DON’T put on a comedy as it might make you laugh and your jiggling tummy will be disgusting.
Our investigations have led us to believe that only an insanely complicated handjob will give a guy pleasure. Cosmo provide us with this excellent version: ‘Alternate between swivelling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum… Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times.’ No problem, right?
Incorporating food into the banging process is a firm favourite of Cosmo, which means it’s something that everyone does and that it’s awesome. Smear each other in chocolate, ice cream or honey. Nothing says ‘hot’ like stickiness and having to change the bed sheets immediately afterwards. Other suggestions include chewing pulpy (non-acidic) fruit and keeping it in your mouth while giving a blowjob and giving your guy a ‘beer facial’. Cosmo has also suggested that girls get their guys to eat sushi off their naked bodies because that’s obviously the time you both want to be thinking about fish.
Guys are encouraged to embrace science in order to get better results (women are too emotional to understand these things). Here are some simple science tricks developed by scientists who realise curing cancer is not a priority
- Stroke her forearm at a speed of 1 to 10 centimetres per second as this part of her is packed with ‘pleasure nerves’.
- Your sweat contains a made-up-sounding thingamajig that makes women horny. Do a really sweaty workout and hug her immediately afterwards until she agrees to have dirty sex with you.
- Male saliva has 10-15 times more testosterone that a female’s. Force your tongue in her mouth until she eventually wants to rip your clothes off.
‘As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, “See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.” I don’t think I need to say anything else here.
♥ Spicing Things Up
Cook your partner a meal while naked (because that won’t result in third-degree burns) or send audio files of you pleasuring yourself to your lover’s phone while they’re in work (because there’s no possible way that could end badly). Women, dip your breasts in edible body paint and then paint your partner’s body from head to toe in said edible body paint with your breasts – complicated, ridiculous and messy is always good.
So there you go, boys and girls. No need to thank me – just knowing I’ve turned you all into unstoppable sex masters is thanks enough. I’ll consider it my good deed for the day.
Readers who have been positively affected by Catherine’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets and handsome escorts. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any sexual injury incurred after reading is purely coincidental.