Ramp Randoms: Be A Better Driver. Today!
Our Marie is suffering from a crippling case of road rage, so we prescribed writing down her feelings in order to express them in healthy manner. So she did. And we suspect… she might also be suffering from a terrible dose of sarcasm. Here are Marie’s tips for being a better driver, which our lawyer advises we specify are not meant to be taken literally.
This is obvious for so many reasons. Firstly, why on earth should YOU waste your expensive bulbs so lazy drivers can see you? Pfft to that! It’s all baby drivers that put on their lights during events such as ‘bad weather’ or ‘dusk’. Sure, you might as well paint the car neon green and attach a siren at that rate. Be a better driver and be stealthy while on the roads. Use this new stealthy driving technique to craftily cut others off. Real drivers can sense others on the road without the use of the traditional senses.
Keep things interesting
Now, we both know that you have superior driving skills and thus should assume some responsibility in your wisdom. Impart some of that wisdom! Don’t let other drivers get bored! They could easy fall asleep and cause a horrible crash and you don’t want to have that weighing on you while you try to sleep on your big bed of money and Playboy models. Some of the best ways to do this is though the ‘veering technique’ and by implementing the ‘beepity beep beep’ theory.
The veering technique: This is not an exact science, and it really is up to each individual to apply their own ‘self’ to it. Ultimately, what you’ll need to aim for is driving around like a mad bastard who’s late for granny’s funeral. Pay little to no heed to lights, lanes, or innocent lives. This will help others because of the elevated levels of adrenaline that occur when one fears for their life, heightening senses and making one extra aware of driving conditions and their own technique. Go forth! Drive on! And never, ever indicate.
The beepity beep beep technique: Ah, an original in the douchebag school of motoring. The premise is simple; you beep that horn. This is especially effective when the person at whom the beep is aimed has done nothing wrong. It gives them a bit of a scare. For added effect, look very angry and say things such as ‘Fup off, you grasshole’. Don’t overuse this one on any one particular individual, unless you plan on the volume of the beep escalating intensely.
Add sound effects
While this doesn’t particularly help those driving around you, it will make you happier and perhaps disturb any passengers you might have. No need to be too imaginative with the sound effects. ‘Vroom vroom’, ‘nee-ow’ (for nippy corners) and ‘EEEEEeeeeeeeee’ (braking) are all quite suitable and should remind you that driving is a game which has absolutely no consequences and can absolutely never hurt anybody ever.
Help your friends and family
People are too reliant on things like ‘wing mirrors’ and their ‘vision’. It’s time they learned how to drive like a pro. Whenever you can gain access to someone else’s car, move the seat’s position, twiddle (or remove) their mirrors and perhaps even leave a rotting fish under the driver’s seat. I’m not sure what effect that might have but I trust you, the intrepid researcher/mentor/assbag, to find out.
Get some fresh air
Naturally, with more and more people hopping in their car to run their errands rather than walk, it can be said that driving is having certain health implications on drivers and their passengers. So now it’s time to do your bit. Smashing their windscreen in will ensure that even though they’re taking the car, drivers will be getting a decent amount of fresh air. The amount of bugs that they’ll end up eating will also increase the amount of protein in their diet. Well done you; that amounts to a good ole pat on the back!
Take to the streets
Should any of the previous activities result in your having your license revoked, never fear! Society tends not to appreciate genius, so at this point you must persevere!
Go by foot.
In all black.
If you can surprise cars so that they need to react suddenly and swerve to avoid you, excellent. Should they actually hit you, even better. The consequences and guilt of having hit a pedestrian will mean that every time they sit in a car again, they’ll get hit by waves of nausea, uncontrollable bladder syndrome and – somehow – this will make them a better driver. *
* tests pending