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On The Rampage: Bad First Date

42
Posted June 22, 2012 by Barry Moroney in Humour
Blind_Date
The following is a genuine email sent from a young professional male to his female friend, after said female friend had set him up on a blind date. The date did not go well, and this email delivers a blow by blow account of the night’s events in real-time.

Dearest Jenny,

I trust that this email reaches you in good spirits.

Not many people know this, but approximately six months ago, I made a sweeping decision to give up dating indefinitely.

This decision was made following a series of completely dour evenings spent in the company of perfectly nice, genuine ladies whom I had met whilst intoxicated in various establishments throughout this fair city.

Invariably, these ladies turned out to be much less fun (and even less attractive) when I met them in a more sober state. This led to feelings of boredom, frustration and complete indifference whilst in their company. I felt that it was better for all parties that I should call a halt to this bullshit, and stop wasting everybody’s time.

As you no doubt noticed, I decided to revoke this decision last Friday whilst coming down after an alcohol fuelled Paddy’s day and night. The following ramblings detail the results of this decision and my thoughts for the future.

Apologies for the bullet point format, but you know that I’m a statistician. I’m trained to summarise things in this fashion, and then draw conclusions (plus, my writing skills are weak).

  • Leave the house at 7:30pm.
  • Dublin bike to Dame Street.
  • Pint in the Temple Bar on my own. Take note of large number of hotties in the vicinity.
  • Receive text from Chloe stating she will be a little late, and asking where to meet me.
  • Tell her that I’ll meet her at the restaurant.
  • Finish pint quickly and walk up to Elephant and Castle.
  • Order bottle of Erdinger, no sign of Chloe.
  • Receive text saying “I’m upstairs“.
  • Ask the waiter if there is an upstairs. He looks at me funny.
  • Turns out the stupid bitch is in Bull and Castle.
  • Ring her and we arrange to meet in Hogan’s. Lamp the bottle of Erdinger and pay.
  • Meet Chloe in Hogan’s.
  • She looks… ordinary (and that’s being nice).
  • Grey top, black tights, brownish skirt thing and wait, wait for it… boring black flat shoes. Who dresses this bird, seriously?
  • Share Paddy’s day stories. I leave out details of Austrian and Northern birds (I’m clever like that).
  • Talk about work and other stuff. She’s got a proper job anyway, and seems to like it. Kudos for that. Better than someone moaning about hating their job.
  • Take note of numerous hotter birds in the bar. This was a running theme.
  • Leave Hogan’s after two pints (I’m half flaming at this stage, having lamped the first two drinks with no dinner).
  • Make a comment slagging some foreign chap walking down George’s Street. She laughs at my Borat-style joke – I don’t think she got it to be honest.
  • Starving, so propose that we have food. Suggest Rick’s Burgers (it was right in front of me), and she agrees (she doesn’t want food anyway, so it doesn’t matter).
  • Murder a chicken burger and chips. She watches.
  • The Quays is hopping. We go in and have another drink. Loads more hot tourists and yuppies there; I make mental note to return next Thursday.
  • Bored out of my mind. This girl is ‘nice’. So f*cking nice, I consider paying her €50 to just make a retard joke, or do anything mad.
  • She tells me some story about her J1 in San Francisco (WOW, you’ve been to San Fran. Get over it, you didn’t even go to Vegas).
  • Have two or three more drinks, and midnight is fast approaching. I text Tim saying: Date is crap, whr u?
  • Both nearly finished our drinks. She asks what I want to do now?
  • Do a Kerryman on it, and answer her question with a question. “You’ve to be up early tomorrow, don’t you?”
  • She says “Yeah, I better go home”.  Yeah, I suppose…
  • Go outside and have token shift. She gets in a taxi, good luck and thanks.
  • Thank God that’s over.
  • Stroll up Grafton, and up to Flannery’s to meet Tim.
  • Ring Maria on the way, and give out to her for saying Chloe was ‘pretty’. Deep down, I know that it was all my own fault.
  • Meet Tim in Flannery’s. He calls me an idiot for even going on the date. I agree. He’s very astute.
  • Two Captain and Coke. Two more. Two more. I’m having a great time.
  • Meet an ordinary-looking American bird. She says she’s from Jersey.
  • Do my Situation impression, whilst flexing my pecks. She laughs A LOT…

Anyway, I think I’ll leave it at that. I want to save something for the sequel.

To summarize,

  • I’m not going on any more dates with potentially mediocre looking girls. Unless she’s 100%, definitely hot, I’m not going on the date. Period.
  • If a girl says another girl is really ‘pretty’, then run a mile. If she really was that ‘pretty’, then the girl would have said she was ‘hot’. Simple as that. Actually, a good rule of thumb would be to never ask a girl if another girl is hot or not.
  • If you show up for a date in flat shoes it shows that you are stupid; you clearly know I’m a tall man, so stop making me bend down to talk to you. It also shows that you’ve made no effort whatsoever to sexy up your outfit and therefore, it’s safe to assume you are a prude.

I hope you enjoy this email. Any feedback, comment or thought would be much appreciated.

Yours in romance,

Macca.

The writer does not wish to associate himself with ‘Macca’s’ questionable morals or dating practices. And, before you ask, the writer is not ‘Macca’.

About the Author

Barry Moroney

A daredevil at heart, Barry often eats large amounts of cheese before going to bed to break the monotony of a peaceful seven hour sleep.

  • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

    This makes me never want to go on a date again. Ever. With anyone.

  • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

    This makes me want to find the dude involved and slap him with a shovel.

    Women must look sexy at all times or they’re prudes! Women must not be ‘nice’! Women must not tell me stories about their lives! Women must be sexually attractive to me personally or they’re WORTHLESS.

    P’raps the dude in question just thought he was being funny. In reality, he was just being a massive cunt. God help us if he procreates.

  • http://twitter.com/barrymoroney Barry Moroney

    Just to reinforce the closing statement again, I’m not Macca, lest there be any doubt or confusion on the matter.

    • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

      We believe you.

      *goes through Barry’s bins for incriminating evidence*

    • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

       *glares suspiciously*

  • http://twitter.com/beatingblog Karen Mulreid

    This made me laugh. I used to know many many men like this. This is not unusual. The ego, the over inflated sense of self-importance, the binge drinking as the only way to have a ‘good’ night, the sexism, the arrogance. There are many, many, many men, walking around on their hind legs, like this. Sad fact of the matter is there are still some men who think it’s a woman’s job to please them. Nowhere in that piece does the author detail any effort HE made to be smart, funny, endearing, interesting to his date. He takes no responsibility whatsoever. And then at the end of the date he snogs her! So she’s not hot or worth your time, but you’ll kiss her anyway? Prick!

    What a horrible, horrible individual.

  • http://twitter.com/barrymoroney Barry Moroney

    Before we jump on the ‘Let’s lynch Macca’ bandwagon, I think this email was intended to highlight the monotony of the standard ‘food and drinks’ first date. Granted, he may have gotten a little carried away a couple of times, but I think it’s the concept of the blind date that most of this frustration is vented at.

    And, come on, his perspective is pretty funny at times too…

    • http://twitter.com/beatingblog Karen Mulreid

       But if he found the standard ‘food and drinks’ date monotonous, why didn’t he suggest something different? You can’t agree to go on a standard date, participate in a standard date and then moan that it was a standard date! Take some responsibility.

      “We go for another drink. Bored out of my mind.” And this is the girl’s fault? If he was bored he should have suggested something different.

      He goes on to say that he later met his mate and got drunk and had a ‘great time’. He wasn’t too bored to stand around in a pub with his mate then was he?

      I doubt it was the monotonous date that worried him – he clearly says at the end that he’ll go out on other dates, once she’s hot.

      • http://twitter.com/barrymoroney Barry Moroney

        In a perfect world, we would all have a great time, all the time. But in reality, we do things, and moan about said things, on a daily basis. This is no different.

        ‘Macca’ had stated that he was disillusioned with the standard ‘food and drinks’ dating scene, but had a post Paddy’s Day, fear-induced change of heart. He was not thinking straight. As a result, a boring night was enjoyed by both parties.

        I’m not agreeing with any part of this, other than ‘Macca’s’ observation that the standard first date is a bad choice. 

        • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

          Barry, meet Can of Worms. Can of Worms, this is Barry. Now have fun, you two crazy lovebirds!

          • http://twitter.com/martynrosney Martyn Rosney

            I will vouch for Barry that this is not him. He brings girls “Zorbing” and shooting at the gun range. He can’t wait to bring a girl to see “Fifty Shades of Grey”…

            If you know what I mean. 

        • http://twitter.com/beatingblog Karen Mulreid

           I’d wager though Barry that even had this date been the pair of them parachuting out of a plane and then playing ten rounds of Quasar that this guy would have been just as concerned with the girl’s hotness and that there wouldn’t have been a second date.

          This whole email wasn’t an observation about anything other than the girl’s looks.

          I actually like the standard first date (mainly because am a horse who loves a nice dinner), but agree everyone is different.

          • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

             Oooo no, I don’t like that ‘dinner and drinks’ first date standard. I much prefer something relaxed and low key like a coffee and the park (if the weather’s decent).

          • http://twitter.com/barrymoroney Barry Moroney

            The ‘dinner and drinks’ standard is the Toyota Avensis of dating. Solid, safe and reliable, but absolutely no fun. You’ll be looking to trade it in after six months.

          • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

            Atein’ and dhrinkin’ is great fun, Barry. You’re just doing it wrong.

          • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

             You don’t have to do something crazy on a first date to have fun – unless you’ve a really shite personality :P

            I feel a potential new series of Blind Date posts for Ramp heating up here :P

          • http://twitter.com/barrymoroney Barry Moroney

            Is it not better to do something fun though? Mix that with an electric personality, and you’ve got yourself a fun date.

          • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

            You can’t set the standards too high right at the beginning though. You start with a nice, decent date and work your way up from there, otherwise he/she is expecting a circus every day!

          • http://twitter.com/barrymoroney Barry Moroney

            Bring the circus every day, I say.

          • http://twitter.com/SerialBlogamist Catherine C

             That sounds like a lot of effort. Some days (*cough* most days *cough) I just really want to lie on the couch and eat toasted cheese sandwiches – I can’t be expected to come up with something super-exciting then!

          • http://twitter.com/johnmfinn John Finn

            Lying on the couch eating toasted cheese sandwiches, now that is a date I can get on board with.

          • http://twitter.com/ramp_ie Ramp IE

            +1 for toasted cheese sambos on the couch. You two have beautiful minds.

          • Jennifer_McShane

            I went on a blind date once – never again. Perhaps I should relive the horror for the good readers of Ramp??

          • Who’sYourDaddy

            Karen, sounds like you’re the one who is concerned with hotness if that’s all you’ve picked up from this piece. Its supposed to be funny, rude, blunt, uncivilised, boorish. (Look at the title ”
            Posted June 22, 2012 by Barry Moroney in Comedy “). I think that makes it pretty clear. The dude is clearly a male chauvinist and that’s a good part of the joke. It’s Ross O’Carroll-esque (if you didn’t get that). How about you go write to Paul Howard there about every second sentence in all 12 of his award winning books? I’m quite sure he couldn’t give two focks.

            As has also been said, it highlights the monotony and effortless nature of some first dates, how they almost seem like chores or banal everyday things to some women and men, which they shouldn’t be.

            Seriously, why would you comment on a humorous piece with all your feminist bullshit? Why waste your time when every comedian, male and female, every tv show makes the exact same jokes daily. Its comedy. Get over it. If this was a serious piece, you may have a point but once again “Posted June 22, 2012 by Barry Moroney in Comedy”. 

            C-O-M-E-D-Y

          • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

            I don’t think either Karen nor Barry selected that C-O-M-E-D-Y tag, Mr. Angrypants. I think I might have, because it unhinged my jaw so I figured it had to be a joke. 

            Either way, Barry’s opening statement, “The following is a genuine email…” leaves room for debate and conversation, which is exactly what’s going on here. How you’re getting annoyed that someone would bring “feminist bullshit” into a friendly debate/conversation about boorish dating practises is either worrying or hilarious, but I can’t make up my mind until someone tags your comment as C-O-M-E-D-Y or W-H-A-T-A-B-O-U-T-T-H-E-M-E-N-Z. I hope it happens soon! *bites nails*

  • http://twitter.com/martynrosney Martyn Rosney

    Barry, didn’t people used to call you Macca because you look like Jason McAteer… Also, your favourite drink is Erdinger at the start of the night then Captain and DIET Coke later on. Also, I’m not Tim. 

    • http://twitter.com/barrymoroney Barry Moroney

      Busted!

  • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura C

    Blind dates are horrible. That is my contribution to this thread 

    • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

      I’ve never gone on a blind date before because I’m too damn famous.

    • http://twitter.com/beatingblog Karen Mulreid

       Some are. I had a guy walk away from me in the street because he said I wasn’t as pretty as the picture he’d seen.

      However, I met my husband online and had only seen one picture of him and chatted briefly. So it was pretty much a blind date but it was lovely!

  • http://twitter.com/martynrosney Martyn Rosney

    I’ve never been on a blind date before but once. just once I was on what I would call a “deaf” date. The girl had never heard of me!? 

    I know, right? Madness. 

  • John Finn

    This email reads like exhibit A in the case for mandatory sterilisation.

    • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

      ZING!

      Also, John, that’s like really bad and stuff.

  • http://twitter.com/goldenplec goldenplec

    I don’t think standard date is the issue, it’s blind date, how can anyone agree to go on a date with someone they don’t find attractive. It’s doomed from the start.

    It’s not that the girl isn’t hot or pretty, it’s that to HIM she isn’t pretty, one group of guys could find her attractive and another group not. It’s all personal taste. Once he didn’t find her attractive, everything was going to be boring, he didn’t really want to be there.

    Had the mutual friend had the foresight to go here’s Chloe **shows picture**, want a date with her or not, we’ll call it a blind date. At least going in if he already found her attractive there can be some enthusiasm for the date. You can’t put a north magnet to a north magnet, it will always repel.

    It’s the Blind Date concept that is outdated here, particularly when the friend is being overly kind perhaps on one side, but even if she’s or he isn’t hot or pretty, a quick snap would solve the question of “find her attractive or not” before he’s even put on his lucky boxers.

    • Sinéad

      For the record, photos can lie as well…

      Once bitten, forever shy.

      • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

        Why can’t he just pop along and see if he likes the lass in person, without making snap judgements based on whether or not she looks like she puts out? 

        I mean, OBVIOUSLY physical attraction is a huge factor, but there seems to be herds of roaming frustrated “nice guys” who complain they can’t get the ride (usually because “Women only like bastards and I’m too nice!” or something equally insane), and yet will refuse to give the time of day to a woman who’s not an 8+ in their own warped wee heads.Looks are important. But attraction is based on something deeper. How many times have any of us found ourselves chatting with some non-model mortal and suddenly thought, “My God, I love her laugh/his chipped tooth/the fact that this person is into the same obscure literary genre as me” and just as suddenly felt a quickening in our nethers?

        • http://twitter.com/goldenplec goldenplec

          I agree Lisa, but there still needs to be SOME attraction. A picture to start just saves so much effort really. I agree with Sinead, pictures can lie, but it is still a good starting point.

          My main point really is that if they guy isn’t attracted to start, is her laugh or chipped tooth or what she’s into going to overcome that. The story above, he hasn’t an inkling of attraction to her and therefore from then on in gave up.

          I personally don’t care about an 8+ etc mentality, I would date a girl aslong as I find her attractive to my normal likes, everyone has a few parameters they set about types of girl they like. For example, hottest girl in world but a smoker, sorry not interested. average girl, kinda cute (to me) and can dance to 80s with or without alcohol and the date suddenly got interesting!

          • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

            See, I reckon putting any stipulations on attraction before an actual meeting is horribly counter-productive. It’s almost like putting guards up and blinkers on before you ever leave the house. Judging a potential partner purely on initial spark happens, but it shouldn’t. People owe it to themselves to broaden their horizons a little bit. 

            How many successful relationships out there came from incredibly humble beginnings? Plenty, I’d wager. Instant attraction is fun, but attraction can also grow from, apparently, nowhere. 

            Having said that, if a person is naturally repelled by their blind date – it they find them hideous – then I agree there’s no hope at all. And ‘Macca’ above didn’t find this girl hideous, just too plain (she wasn’t wearing heels and her tights were the wrong colour) and too ‘nice’ (the mind boggles).

  • Astanley

    I saw the two of them on their date in Hogans. I remember thinking ‘What’s she doing with him there are loads of hotter guys here.” AND he was wearing plain black flat shoes. BBBOOORRIIINNNGGGGG.

  • Rowena burke

    Absolutely love it girls would so be the same about guys that made me laugh hahaha

  • http://twitter.com/JayRow Jen Ronan

    Yer wan in the pic is the bulb off Taylor Swift. That’s all I wanted to add to the proceedings. As you were! 

  • Captainoftheplanet

    macca, did not bring the ruckus.

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