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News for the Daft: WHO Warns of New Disease That Turns Politicians into Gibbering Idiots

Posted August 30, 2012 by Stephen Rooney in Humour
Science Lab

The World Health Organisation has issued a warning about a new strain of a disease which seems to affect the brains of politicians, causing them to act erratically and say things which can only be described as ‘deeply worrying’.

‘It’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen before,’ said Klaus Bennet, head of Epidemiology at the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention. ‘This is a condition which seems to impair rational argument and block empathy, but seems to leave its victims relatively in control of their bodies.’ Those who have succumbed to the disease seem to be able to act like normal people, right up to the point where they open their mouths in a public forum. ‘As soon as you put them on a stage or sit them in front of a camera something happens in their brain and all they can do is spew vitriolic hatred’ said Bennet.

The condition first came to people’s attention in the USA when George W. Bush took office and became famous for fumbling his words. However, over the past four years the disease seems to have mutated to give the victim a level of basic articulation, but leaves their sentences as nonsensical as ever. ‘You might have noticed it recently with Paul Ryan,’ said Dr Aoife Dunne, a Trinity College lecturer who has been studying the disease. ‘He was on national television and said that rape was a form of conception. I mean, it might be technically correct, but what kind of person just comes out and says something like that? There’s clearly something wrong.’ Ryan’s statement comes in stark contrast to the views of Todd Akin, who claimed that rape was in fact a form of contraception that sounded at least as effective as the rhythm method, saying ‘[my understanding is] if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down.’

Although it’s mostly centred in the U.S. there has been a case on our own island. In Northern Ireland Lord Maginnis has had to step down from his position as UUP whip because of his illness. In one case he referred to gay marriage as ‘unnatural and deviant behaviour’, going on to say that homosexuality and bestiality were rungs in the same ladder.

Early tests show that the disease has many similarities with BSE, or Mad Cow Disease (which is curiously close to how the victims refer to any women studying its effects). ‘It’s certain a condition which affects the brain, but seems to leave the rest of the nervous system untouched.’ Said Dr Bennet. ‘If this is the case we may be looking at a very unusual instance of locked-in syndrome, whereby the patient seems to be a perfectly functional human being, but whenever they try to speak all that comes out is gibberish. We’re currently testing to see if we can communicate with the decent person that we know must be trapped inside by studying their eye movements and cheek twitches. There’s nothing yet, but for the sake of these poor souls we have to keep trying.’

Although how the disease spreads is still not fully understood, the public is asked to be vigilant and beware of signs of illness in the general population, especially with the upcoming debates about gay marriage and abortion in Ireland. We asked Dr Aoife Dunne if there were any signs of it making its way from Northern Ireland to the British mainland, such as George Galloway’s recent comments about the Assange case. She assures us there’s no evidence that it’s spread to Britain, saying ‘No, George Galloway’s just an arsehole.’


In Other News:

  • Europe to bring the UK into the single currency system by quietly switching to Sterling in the middle of the night.
  • Arctic ice limbos its way to new record low.
  • Man burns down Brown Thomas after they put Christmas decorations up in August. ‘The fuckers had it coming’, say police.
  • Top Diet Tip: Your food is trying to kill you. Run from it! Run for your life!!!
  • Electric Picnic organisers: ‘We’re trialling a new “Sophie’s Choice” schedule. We’ve got 136 stages, everyone’s playing at the same time and the festival’s only half an hour long. Who’ll it be?’

About the Author

Stephen Rooney

A freelance writer of things, stuff and whatchamacallits. Based in Dublin with a keen interest in science, politics, gaming, and the absurd.

  • Sinéad

    heh heh. Sophie’s Choice schedule.

  • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura C

    “Electric Picnic organisers: ‘We’re trialling a new “Sophie’s Choice” schedule. We’ve got 136 stages, everyone’s playing at the same time and the festival’s only half an hour long. Who’ll it be?’”
    Ahh I love it. This is a weekly thing, yes?

    • http://twitter.com/nuckpang Stephen R.

      Yep, you have to put up with me every Thursday!

  • http://www.lisamcinerney.com Lisa McInerney

    I would also like to express my hearty LOLs at the Sophie’s Choice Electric Picnic.

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