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Sure would you not have a small bit?

 

MORE Top Ten Horrible Book Covers

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Posted July 1, 2013 by Laura in Humour
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To imagine a world without books makes us very sad in our faces, Reader. Every time someone buys literature in electronic form, a single, salty, solitary tear rolls down our cheek.

Do we have something against a convenient way for people to read their dirty novels on the bus without being subjected to the judgmental eyes of strangers?

No.

We simply fear the day that books with covers as shite as the ones to follow will no longer be published because we’ll have nothing to make fun of.

Back by absolutely no demand because y’all keep sending us these, here are Ramp.ie’s thirty-five MORE Top Ten Horrible Book Covers

35.

A very plain Catherine moves to gloomy town of Moors and is instantly loved by everyone at her high school despite being awful in almost every single way. Soon she falls for the brooding, surprisingly glittery Heathcliff and millions of fans of classic Gothic Literature die a little inside.

34.

The very moment we clapped eyes on this book cover, we were straight on the phone to change our name by deed poll. We once tried to change our name to Chatfuck Shotgun Extreme 9000 but they were having none of it down at the Deeds Office.

Not to sound dramatic but so help us God, if we’re not officially ‘The Stormcocks’ by the end of the day we’re going to set ourselves on fire.

33.

 For all you lonely bastards out there.

32.

Here is what your poo is telling you - “Stop looking at me, you fucking weirdo”

To be honest, the only time we pay any attention to our bowel movements is when we have too much of it or not enough of it. Sure there are those out there who beam with pride and gaze lovingly into the bowl when they manage to give birth to a monster without requiring emergency medical attention afterwards but those people are not to be trusted and you are not allowed to play with them anymore.

It’s Peter Arkle, the illustrator, that we truly feel sorry for. Imagine coming home from a long stretch at the office and having to tell your lovely wife and children that you spent your day drawing different types of turds.

31.

What the hell is wrong with people? Another book about shite?

It truly says a lot about the state of literature, the publishing world, humanity and indeed, the level of (pardon the pun) crap that children will read when you see a book that charts the adventures of a turd.

He’s a very happy plop indeed.

Ha. Look at him there with his charming beret perched on his head.

What a fucking hipster. 

Not to be picky but we think that if you are going to go to the effort of painting lines to illustrate that he is, in fact, a steaming turd, you could at least give him a face to match his delightful golf trousers.

Actually no.

Don’t give him a face.

That would be horrible.

Horrible … and terrifying.

30.

We know what you are thinking. Is that a dinosaur in the background?

Why yes, Reader. Yes it is. Tarzan the Terrible is set in a place not unlike Jurassic Park and Tarzan must fight his way through this lost valley populated by prehistoric dinosaurs to save Jane.

It’s Tarzan Vs The Dinosaurs. That’s not terrible at all. That’s epic.

This book cover makes the list because it is misleading and denying the world a chance to read about a man in a loincloth punching a T-Rex in the face.

29.

Trixie Belden looks like an inflatable sex doll that has been magically brought to life and granted the gift of speech. She’s captured here trying to master the production of vowels and generally being a nosy fucking bitch.

28.

Listen. This is very, VERY important. We must establish just how committed to recycling the Nazis were before we can truly make up our mind about them.

We’re just kidding.

They were a shower of bastards.

27.

 Make your own joke here.

26.

FORTH.

Learn FORTH by using FORTH.

Just in case you didn’t know that this book was about FORTH - It is.

What an incredibly erotic book cover eh? We didn’t know the Atari had this kinky side to it.

That chap is very happy to be learning about FORTH.

FORTH! *fist pump*

25.

We’re pretty certain that Pixar (A Bug’s Life) and Dreamworks (Bee Movie) have a fair case for the aul copyright infringement here.

That being said, Fonzi? AS A BEE? That’s the best fucking idea we’ve ever heard.

24.

Well this sorts out our nightmares for the foreseeable future anyway.

Breed to Come is apparently about ‘A powerful virus that is destructive to the human inhabitants of a planet turning its animal population into highly intelligent life forms’.

We see.

We would prefer if the novel was actually about intergalactic battles between foreign planets and the exciting adventures of a group of rogue space cats. Star Wars with adorable little kitties basically. If someone could go and write that for us, that would be great. We’ll wait here.

23.

TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR ELIMINATION ORGANS, MANKIND!

UNLOCK YOUR BOWELS! LET IT FLOW FREE!

We want it on record that our assorted bits for pooping shall no longer be known as they once were. They are now our ELIMINATION ORGANS. Furthermore, our bottom is now our FREEDOM HOLE.

22.

Look. We’re going to try and remain calm here, Reader, but this is a goddamn disgrace.

Anne of Green Gables is supposed to be a goddamn ginger. A Strawberry blond. A Redhead. Sporting hair like an African Sunset. As some would say, ‘She has the look of the fox about her’. Call it what you want. She’s GINGER. Anne of Green Gables is a fucking GINGER.

There are not enough ginger characters in literature and we shall NOT stand for one of the most famous being transformed into some girl who looks like she got lost on the way to Abercrombie and Fitch and somehow ended up in a field, taking selfies. What’s next? Pippi Longstocking a bloody brunette? Not on our watch thanks.

UP WITH THIS WE SHALL NOT PUT.

21.

 Mr Tickles looks thrilled at the prospect of matrimony to the monster that called him Mr Tickles.

20.

*double checks in pants*

Yes.

19.

No. They will learn through their brains like everyone else.

If it were possible to learn through your hands, there would be no limit to the amount of faces we would slap.

18.

We don’t remember this part in Huckleberry Finn.

There is a jugs joke we want to make but we won’t.

17.

“Yes. This is wood”

16.

“Listen here, Boy. In this town we like the following things. Meat. Killing things. ‘MERICA. Freedom and fondling the buttocks of other men. If you can’t handle that, this town ain’t for you”.

15.

Because that’s exactly what Henry James had in mind. The difficulties of assembling IKEA furniture when you have weak girlie arms, not enough screws and cannot follow their needlessly complicated instructions.

14.

Believe it or not, this is a copy of The Shining.

If we are completely honest, we haven’t read The Shining, Reader. A character in popular 90’s TV sitcom Friends told us it was scary enough to merit it being put in the fridge which is enough to put us off for life. That and we’ll do anything Matt LeBlanc tells us to.

Anything.

13.

Oh Bane. Stop looking at us like that. *blush* People are watching. *giggles*

Hold the phone. ‘Drugs and death rule his world’?

Ahh here. We just got it.

It’s a joke y’see. A JOKE.

The BANE … of his EXISTENCE.  Get it?

BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

12.

Here’s an idea. You’re gripping it by the head and shoving a stick in his gob.

11.

The heart-warming tale of one brave thumb’s journey across America to spread his message of peace, love and relentlessly dull chess game play rules. Starring Denzel Washington as THE THUMB.

10.

Dirty bastards

9.

Ha. Breathless enchantment. See what they did there? Have mercy. *wipes tear*

Thanks to this classic, we can finally find out what happened after the wedding in The Little Mermaid.

We could hazard a guess that following a very confusing wedding night, it suddenly dawned on Prince Eric that he had in fact married an ignorant-to-the-world sea creature, unfit for Royal society who smells faintly of seaweed.

He probably hit the drink afterwards.

8.

For avoidance of doubt, this is exactly what Ireland is like. We all live in castles and are overrun by little Nazi Leprechauns. It’s lots of craic here. Bring the kids.

7.

Poor Guy N. Smith learned the hard way that what happens in Amsterdam does not necessarily always stay in Amsterdam.

Mmm … itchy.

Incidentally, there is an entire series of Crabs novels. You. Are. Welcome.

6.

Alexander Skarsgård? Is that you?

5.

Step 1: Do not attempt to kill yourself

Step 2: Repeat.

Presumably the legal note at the back read: Guaranteed satisfaction or your money back. .. suckers.

4.

A couple of things jump out immediately here.

  1. Ringo was not a ginger
  2. Paul did not wear glasses. He was also not a ginger.
  3. I don’t know what the human standing in for George is up to in the back there but he’s very surprised to discover that he has a right hand
  4. John Lennon was not a blonde.
  5. This is clearly not a drawing of The Beatles.
  6. No one should ever buy a copy of this book.

3.

Explain yourself, Canada.

You used to be cool.

2.

What are these two like eh? Women are truly from Venus and Men are truly from Mars, amirite?!

No doubt he wants to watch a tape with explosions with a side order of boobs and she almost definitely wants to watch something about weddings and periods.

Classic.

1.

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About the Author

Laura

Laura likes stuff, enjoys things and hates surprises.

  • Ciaran O’Brien

    How are there so many terrible book covers in existence!?

  • VanessaU

    hysterical!!!

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