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Popped Culture: Kim Jong-Un Really Just Wants to Be a Bond Villain

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Posted April 15, 2013 by Rú Hickson in Humour
kjuhorse

To all of us influenced by general Western media, one could be forgiven for assuming that the apocalypse/World War III/some pretty serious reality television is nigh. Essentially, some lardy weirdo (or weirdy lardo) on the shaft of the Korean peninsula is attempting to consolidate power by ramming his aggressive flatulent politicking rhetoric down the throats of whomever is watching with mouths agape. The equivalent of a nation-sized mime artist trapped inside an invisible box, the North Korean government’s hope is that the people will want to stand in front of their leaders like a human shield against a common enemy (the US).

Unfortunately for Kim and the Despot Experience, this is about as likely Justin Bieber opting out of music to start his own porno career in the morning, and the writing will be on the wall should any actual military action result from this latest round of rutting. It will quickly become apparent that the exact science behind their rockets isn’t exactly rocket science.

So what’s the obvious conclusion? That Kim Jong-Un is pretty much trying to become a real life James Bond Villain. Think it sounds crazy? Just check out the comparisons below and remind yourself that this is the country that claimed to have captured ‘notorious British super spy James Bond’ years ago as a real news report on state tv.

 

From North Korea

Ok, we have to mention the elephant in the room first. The most obvious comparison Kim has with a Bond villain is that he’s from North Korea, as per Gustav Graves/Colonel Moon in the atrocious Die Another Day. Plus, he was educated at a posh private school and feels destined to control his home country some day. However, the similarities stop there, as it’s highly unlikely that the current Forever Glorious Leader has an orbital weapons platform designed to harness the sun’s energy and concentrate it into a deadly laser. That and he’s rubbish at fencing. Not like his auld lad, who allegedly could skewer a halibut at twenty paces.

 

Uses nuclear weapons as bargaining chip

James Bond films have three plot twists:

  1. It’s a nuclear weapon!
  2. The girl was in on it!
  3. Both!

Over the past 50 years of cinema and prose, these bad guys have tried to nuke London, Istanbul, Moscow, Hong Kong, New York, London (again), Beijing, and ultimately bring on a nuclear winter. Most of those were Blofeld’s ideas, and KJU would only love to imitate his ambition, if not his spectacular failure rate. North Korea’s latest weapons test happened barely two months ago, and they could well be prepping for another at their underground testing facility, where they are no doubt experimenting and creating something horrifying and evil, like walking sharks, or flying spiders called flyders. Come to think of it, flyders would be more terrifying than any other WMD.

 

Has his own evil island

Alright, this one’s not strictly true, though he does own his own country. And seeing as it’s half a peninsula, it’s almost an island. True to evil form, he has his own concentration camps, secret police, and a private military that would have all aspiring megalomaniacs drooling with power. He probably could do with a bit of investment though, because the Internet is non-existant there. Mind you, that’s still preferable to 56k.

 

Hates America

An interestingly rare trait among 007′s nemeses: American foreign policy doesn’t seem to have ticked any one of them off particularly. Auric Goldfinger did conspire to detonate a nuclear weapon inside Fort Knox in order to reduce the world’s gold supply, therefore increasing his own. Seeing as most of North Korea’s GDP comes from the manufacture of counterfeit dollars, that wouldn’t necessarily be the best strategy here.

 

Tubby

Bond villains are lardos. There, I said it. You guys have problems with your weights, Tubby McTubbersonsons. If you spent less money on those silent submarines and more on a treadmill, maybe the final effort to outrun 007 in the climactic chase scene would be such a struggle?

 

He. Just. Can’t. Bring. Himself. To. Push. That. Button.

‘Why don’t they just shoot him?’ asked the late Roger Ebert (as well as the rest of the world) about the Bond Villain proclivity to never get the job done. This is where Kim is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. His inability to actually start a war will be the sticking point for his reign; the realisation that he can’t walk the walk, and that his people can’t be fooled any more. If he by some chance does open hostilities with another country, he risks losing everything he has in the blink of an eye, including his life.

Of course, he could just pump his enormous wealth and resources into bringing North Korea into the 21st century, deactivate his armed forces, shut down the criminally unjust forced labour camps, open trade with the rest of the world, and be celebrated as a true revolutionary – the man who avoided war and brought 25 million people into a new age of discovery, knowledge and prosperity. Remembered throughout history as a renaissance man, instead of a psycho.

Although no Bond Villain has done that in a film yet, so it probably won’t happen.


About the Author

Rú Hickson

Despite initial wealth, Ru bankrupted himself by acquiring every existing second-hand copy of Duke Nukem Forever and placing it in a pile he uses for the express purposes of urinating onto and crying over in an unhealthy, but surprisingly therapeutic, downward spiral.

  • http://twitter.com/powertara Tara Power

    He is quite the caricature alright!

  • http://twitter.com/Sarklor Ciaran O’Brien

    He’s no Dr. Doom. Latverians actually quite like THEIR evil overlord…

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