How To … Gym
Are you thinking of getting fit? Maybe considering a gym membership? Are you already kicking Exercise’s ass and want to know how you can be even more awesome in the gym arena? Look no further for Ramp.ie has the ultimate guide to make you a gym monster.
♦ The Changing Rooms
I know there are some prudes out there who change modestly under a towel while facing away from everyone, but those guys need to loosen up! Strip completely and then wander around the changing rooms. Go take a shower and come out using your one towel to dry your hair. Stand in your space and moisturise your entire body, then dry your hair and only then get back into your clothes. You’re doing it extra right if you weigh about 500 pounds, are 70-years-old or have an unnerving amount of body hair. You’re a goddamn pro if you make conversation with people while you do it.
♦ Get The Look
Some people will say that you should just go in whatever you’re comfortable in, but they’re just hippies and hairy feminists. The gym is a goddamn fashion parade! Girls, put on a full face of make-up – foundation, bronzer, mascara, winged eyeliner, lipstick, the works – and spend a few hundred yo-yos on your gym attire. Make sure everything is brand name and contains Lycra. Men, source yourselves wife-beater tees in grey, so that your sweat is extra obvious.
♦ 99% Perspiration
Towels are for losers! The more you sweat, the more masculine you are. Let it drip from you and dampen the floor beneath you and the machine you’ve mounted and dominated. Give your head a shake now and again to spread your sweaty goodness onto the people next to you. The chicks will get off on it and the guys will just respect you more for being better than they are. Don’t clean your machine afterwards – let your sweat be an inspiration.
If you’re middle-aged or over, go to the gym with groups of your friends. Take ALL THE MACHINES. Then stand having conversations while you’re on the machine. Alternatively you can exercise really slowly and pointlessly while having conversations – making sure to take lots of breaks. Ignore all of the frustrated people with only a half hour to spare for their workouts who are standing around looking longingly at the machine you’ve been reclining on for the past 40 minutes.
♦ Macho Man
If you want to be a Muscle Guy, you’re going to have to spend all your time in the weights area. Pump some iron, bro! Go in the morning before work and hell, go again in the evening. Working out is your life now! You may only leave the weights area at the end of your workout session (once you’ve bulked up) so that you can use a treadmill for five minutes – just so the little people can admire you and feel bad about themselves.
♦ Win! Win! Win!
Sure you could go to the gym and just do your own thing, but if you’re fitter than everyone, where’s the fun in that? Compete with the lesser mortals that grace the exercise building. Put your machine onto a really tough setting and make sure the person next to you can see you doing it. Go faster than them! Do it for longer! Keep throwing them looks so they know that you know you’re better than them. Look smug.
♦ Gym Bunnies
Think the gym is just for the grossly unfit and health nuts? Think again! The gym is also the perfect place for girls who weigh about four pounds without even trying. If you’re one of those, put on a healthy amount of ‘natural’ make-up, a tight fitting sports bra and Lycra shorts. Make sure your hair is perfect – maybe put it up in a peppy ponytail for the laugh. Wander serenely around the gym, stopping to drink from your water bottle and admire your reflection in the mirror. Parade in front of the overweight women who are sweating profusely on the cardio machines. Confuse them by going to the stretching section and doing a few leisurely yoga poses as if that’s all you need to do to look like a model. You’re doing it for them. Sure you get a massive ego boost knowing that none of them will ever look as good as you, despite the fact you don’t do any of the work they do, but really, you’re a motivating tool for them. Every time they shed a few pounds, they’ll say a prayer for you.
Readers who have been positively affected by Catherine’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets and handsome escorts. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any gym membership rescinded after reading is purely coincidental.