How To … Grocery Shop
Grocery shopping is one of those signs that you’re becoming a dreaded adult. It requires planning and money management and maturity and is an incredibly mundane, but necessary task. Here at Ramp.ie, we laugh in the face of Mundane and aim to make everything in life fun and exciting, so we’ve compiled a list of ways to make that dreary trip to the supermarket a lot more entertaining.
♦ The List
The first step to any successful grocery shop is to be organised – if you’re a square! Forget about budgets and list-making. You need to live in the now. Grab a trolley and fill it whatever takes your fancy. ‘Marmite’s nice, but I wonder what it would taste like with Angel Delight.’ – stop wondering and take action. Stay young at heart and listen to your tummy.
Embrace your creative side and build your own inventive displays. Make pyramids out of oranges or the Empire State Building out of tins. Once you have completed it, stand next to it and try to sell it to random customers as art: ‘Oh this pillar of pineapple and window cleaner came to me in a dream – the juxtaposition depicts the moral war on sporks. That will be €700 please.’
♦ Free Samples
Try all free samples on offer. Continue to return to the stands for seconds, thirds, etc. Each time you do, introduce yourself to the person using different names and change something small about your appearance – add sunglasses, change your hairstyle, add/remove a hat, tie your top around your waist/head/face. Loudly accuse them of racism if they attempt to stop you.
♦ The Announcements
Whenever an announcement is made over the intercom, press your hands to your ear and shout ‘Not the voices again!’. Then proceed to close your eyes and run around the store. Alternatively, when the announcement is made, stop, look the the sky and say ‘God?’.
♦ Suggestive Purchases
Pick up rope, duct tape, knives and bleach. Look shifty while the checkout person scans them. Alternatively, buy vaseline, condoms and a banana. Whistle nonchalantly as the checkout person scans them.
♦ Mind Games
As you walk around the store, whisper ‘Really?’ to random people as they pick up items. Alternatively, when someone steps away from their full trolley, slip in there and walk away with it.
Follow random people around the store and fill your trolley with everything they put in theirs. When they see you doing it, study a blank piece of paper intently. Alternatively, follow a person around while holding your phone to your ear. Report anything they put into their basket into the phone.
♦ Movie Magic
Stand at the Skin Care section in the toiletries aisle. Every time someone chooses a moisturiser, stare directly at them and say ‘It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose’. Continue to stare at them.
♦ Trolley Games
- Transport yourself around the supermarket by scooting around on the trolley. Not so much a game, but it is easy on the oul’ legs.
- Bring a friend and get individual trolleys. Race them down aisles. Throw stuff into your trolley as you go for a slight variation and deduct a second per item from your finishing time.
- Have one person sit in the trolley while the other person spins it around. Once you’re blindly dizzy, attempt to get out of the trolley on your own.
- Play Trolley Bowling, where you stack up cans, get in the trolley and have your friend push you into the structure.
- These games are all given an excitement boost when the security tries to chase you out of the story. Bring along some kind of speaker system so you can play Benny Hill music while you evade capture.
Readers who have been positively affected by Catherine’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets and handsome escorts. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and Tesco-driven lawsuit pending after reading is purely coincidental.