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Sure would you not have a small bit?

 

Humour: Fifty Shades of Shite – Vol VII

7
Posted August 7, 2012 by Karen Mulreid in Ramp Archives

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Visiting my mother

To: Git Grey

Hey Git,

Just to let you know I’m heading off to visit my Mam in London for a few days. I’ll call you when I get back, I think we probably need to talk.

Ana

From: Git Grey

Subject: ‘Talk’ ya durt burd

To: Anastasia Steele

Howaya love,

We need to talk alright. We haven’t talked in ages, since we went to dinner in me Ma’s house, ‘member that? On the pool table, yeow! I’ll give ya talk!

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises and All Round Legend

From Anastasia Steele

Subject: Talk

To: Git Grey

Er, no, Git, I mean really talk. About how things are between us. You know, your possessiveness and the way you try to control me and talk down to me. Also we should talk about the physical stuff. Look, we’ll talk when I get back.
Ana

From Git Grey

Subject: Talk

To: Anastasia Steele

Physical stuff! Yeah baby! That’s more like it!

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, With a Massive Boner

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: You’re missing the point

To: Git Grey

You’re doing it again, ignoring what I have to say, Git. We really have to talk about this. I’m getting on the plane now and I have to stop emailing. I’ll talk to you in a few days.

Ana

From: Git Grey

Subject: Fwd Fwd Send this to all your mates or your face will get eaten by rabid goats

To: Anastasia Steele

Here, did you see this joke it’s brilliant. What you do is read it and it tells your fortune and then you send it on to everyone in your email within 14 minutes and your WISH COMES TRUE! It’s bleedin’ brilliant. Gowan, send it on, you’ve no sense of humour. Email me back will ya? You haven’t emailed me in three minutes. Where are you Ana? Who are you with? You. Are. Mine.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Not Amused

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: I’m on a plane

To: Git Grey

Will you stop emailing me Git? I’m getting on a plane to go and visit my mother. You know, having a life of my own? I’m allowed to go away for two days without emailing you every five minutes and telling you my business. You’re such a stalker.

Ana

From: Git Grey

Subject: You’re having an affair aren’t you?

To: Anastasia Steele

I can’t believe the minute my back is turned you’re having it off with someone else. Probably flirting with the Captain aren’t ya? You burds are all the same, all over ya one minute and then doin’ the dirt on ya the next. We’ll see about that, I’m not havin’ that. I’m not stupid you know. I’ve read the bukes, them romance novels all you wimmin love. I know that the sign of a real man is someone who knows exactly where his woman is at all times and who never lets her make a decision for herself or buy her own lunch or even go and visit her parents. I know! I’m not havin’ that, no way.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Reachin’ for Me Squeaky Hammer

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: That wasn’t funny Git

To: Git Grey

I cannot believe you did that, Git. I cannot believe you got the plane turned around to Dublin airport. You told them I was carrying a gun, Git! And gave them a description! They tied me up in the toilet, Git, and then strip searched me at the airport. I’m on a watch list now, Git! They think I’m a terrorist. You’ve gone too far this time.

Ana

From: Git Grey

Subject: You deserved it

To: Anastasia Steele

I’m rich Ana, get over it. You were ok with it when I was driving you places in my limo and we were in my luxury, mahogany smelling apartment. But you’re not ok with it when I use my wealth to get your plane turned around? Make up your mind. You can’t ignore me for a full three minutes and have me thinking you’re having an affair and think you’re going to get away with it.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Dark and Brooding

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Don’t annoy me

To: Git Grey

Listen you big weirdo. I’m on my way to the boat to go and visit my mother as I’m not allowed to fly anymore. I never want to talk to you again. Just eff off will you? And by the way, I faked it, every time.

Ana

From: Git Grey

Subject: Are you on the rag?

To: Anastasia Steele

The painters are in, are they? Liverpool playing at home? That’s grand love, don’t apologise, I know how you get when you have them. I was only thinking of you Ana when I got the plane turned around, I couldn’t bear not to be with you. Have some chocolate and watch a bit of the Notebuke or one o’ them other shite, er, I mean wimmins films. You’ll be grand, I won’t hold it against you.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Everyman

From: Git Grey

Subject: Where are you Ana?

To: Anastasia Steele

It’s been 15 minutes and you haven’t replied Ana. There’s no phone restrictions on the ferry, why aren’t you emailing me back? I won’t have this Ana, I won’t.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Losing it

From: Git Grey

Subject: I’m gettin’ annoyed now Ana

To: Anastasia Steele

Ah here. Come on now. It’s been an hour. A full hour without an email or a phonecall. Don’t you know people in relationships are supposed to be in contact with each other on the hour every hour? Don’t you KNOW that? Has daytime TV taught you NOTHING?

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Questioning whether he can go on.

From: Git Grey

Subject: Desperate Measures

To: Anastasia Steele

Don’t push me Ana. I’m a desperate man. Who knows what I’ll do! Answer my email, now, Ana! Answer it!

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Getting angry now

From: Git Grey

Subject: Careful…

To: Anastasia Steele

I have no wish to discuss our relationship any further over email, Ana. Are you enjoying that Stena Line fry up? I see you didn’t get the beans, but got extra black pudding. Ya good thing! I like those jeans on you, they show off your arse.

Git Grey, CEO Grey Enterprises, Pulling a master stroke

Anastasia Steele paled as she read Git’s email from her Blackberry, her fry rapidly cooling on the plate in front of her.

Holy fuck…

He’s here.


About the Author

Karen Mulreid


  • http://twitter.com/ElleEmSee Laura C

    More! I demand more!

    • Jennifer_McShane

      Snap, I need more now!!

  • http://www.redlemonade.blogspot.com/ Kitty Catastrophe

    Haaa! Yes! Those emails in the book are HEADWRECKING. Pages and PAGES of them. This was brilliant Karen, loved it!

  • http://twitter.com/beatingblog Karen Mulreid

    Thanks guys! Glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, the emails wrecked my head so much. And they never once sent each other a Fwd Fwd chain mail and EVERYONE’S sent one of those, so I thought I’d include it here. You’re all very good to read and Tweet. 

  • Carol Hussey

    Hi Karen, I love your writing as always. Great sense of humour. But think this version of greys your doing isn’t a true likeness to the books at all. They are very kinky. But turns into a love story over. All. It isn’t for the faint hearted I’ll agree lol but it isn’t as drastic as people are making it out to be. Sure wasn’t it you that was looking for this kind of book (mills & blooms was too light for you?) a few months back?

    • http://twitter.com/beatingblog Karen Mulreid

       Yeah, the Mills and Boon weren’t great at all, very disappointing compared to the ones I remember reading as a teen!! But I certainly wasn’t looking for anything like this sort of book. It’s drivel! I didn’t see any love story at all, just an abusive relationship. And I didn’t find the sex scenes sexy in any way whatsoever. They were distinctly unsexy to my mind. Badly written, no emotion, cliched, just nothing to endear themselves to the reader at all. What I did like about the Fifty Shades books was the unintentional humour. The author didn’t intend it this way but they are absolutely hilarious. Just count the number of times Ana says ‘Holy cow’. Who talks like that?! Or count the number of times she rolls her eyes, bites her lip, or the number of times Christian implores her to eat. You must eat Ana! You MUST! Hilarious stuff. This is all, of course, only my opinion and others read and enjoyed the books and fair play to them, everyone is allowed their own opinion. Git Grey is a parody and this series is intended to poke fun of the original, it’s not supposed to be a likeness.

      Thanks for reading!

      Did you read the trilogy? What did you think of the third book? Did you not think the amount of sex they were having was just ridiculous? Have a cup of tea, have sex. Open the post, have sex. Eat some toast, have sex.  I don’t know how they managed to get anything else done with all the sex they were having! I would be knackered with all that lovin’!

  • http://backofbeyonds.wordpress.com/ Teresa

    This is priceless Karen! Seriously, this should be made into a book – have been telling everyone how hilarious it is, even my mother! (I didn’t tell her the durty bits – your dignity is intact…) Please keep this going – in fact, I’d almost suggest you read the other two! (Though they are shite, I can’t lie. I wanted to stick a pencil through my eyeball by the end…)

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