How To … Deal with Chuggers
Chuggers – the bane of society. It has long been thought that golf is a good walk spoiled, but in reality that title goes to chuggers. They’re chirpy, enthusiastic and over-friendly. Sure you could just avoid eye-contact when they approach you, shake your head or snarl at them. You could even try to explain you haven’t got the time or money, that you give to other charities and even try and reason with them, questioning whether they donate their wages to their supposed cause. These approaches are not guaranteed to work though because chuggers are jerks. The team here at Ramp.ie have compiled a fail-safe list* of ways to get the next chugger you encounter off your back.
*Many chuggers were harmed/maimed/etc during this study.
→ The Best Defence is a Good Offence
Chuggers are trained in the art of attack. They wave their arms at unsuspecting pedestrians and talk loudly at them in an attempt to raid their pockets. They make a bit of a scene hoping to shame you into helping the needy. However they are not used to having the same tactics turned back on them:
‘I’m sorry, I can’t give you money because I give money to starving puppies. Oh you still want me to give you money anyway? Even though you’ll be taking money from the starving puppies? Oh my God, you hate puppies! Hey everyone!! This guy hates puppies! Look at him!! He also hates Jews and freedom of speech! He’s a puppy-hating Nazi.’
→ Sell To Them
They want your money? Well hey, you want theirs too! Every time they try to make a pitch, offer to sell them random objects off your person or from your bag. Alternatively make up your own charity and attempt to get a donation from them.
→ The ‘Why’ Approach
Every single child I have ever encountered has bested me with this and a truly successful person learns from their mistakes, even if it means swallowing their pride and adopting an opponent’s superior tactic. This cannot fail to work on chuggers:
‘Hey do you have a minute?’
‘So I can talk to you about *insert cause here*’
‘Because it’s really important.’
‘Because these people need help.’
‘Because they’re starving.’
‘Because they have no food.’
‘Because their crops failed and their country is at war.’
Eventually you’ll wear them down.
→ The Deal
When they stop you, cut them off with ‘Oh, you’re the guy I was supposed to meet’ and attempt to do deal really loudly in the middle of the street. Ask them what they have and how much it is and can you get some for your friend too. When they deny being a dealer, start winking at them dramatically and say ‘Oh yes, you’re ‘not’ the drug dealer person who sells drugs on this street who looks exactly like you’. This is extra effective when there are Gardaí around. The chances that the chugger is carrying something they shouldn’t be is fairly high (how else do they do that job?) so a trip to the local station will get them off your back for a bit.
→ The Counter-Offer
With this economic crisis, chances are that the Euro will become extinct and we’ll return to an old-fashioned system of bartering. This is an ideal time to practice the skills you will soon need, so engage in some healthy bartering with the chugger:
‘I won’t give you money, but I will give you some pocket lint and my first born. The general feeling of doing something nice isn’t enough in return though, so you’ll have to sweeten the deal with your daughter’s hand in marriage and/or a pony.’
→ Good Old-Fashioned Racism
Because you can’t argue with the ignorant.
‘Can I talk to you for a minute? I’m raising money for X?’
‘Oh yeah? Where will my money go?’
‘Well it will be used to buy supplies and help set up farms for people in Africa.’
‘So my money will be helping The Blacks then?’
‘Oh, I don’t really like black people. I hear they spread disease and eat their young. Plus they’re taking our jobs, so… *walk away*’
This approach can be modified to suit collections for other countries/continents and also for animals.
‘Sorry, I’m more of a cat person really. I’m kind of glad those dogs will be put down.’
→ The Assassin
This can be reserved for the chuggers who leap in front of you or try to make physical contact. Shout ‘You won’t take me alive!’ and begin flailing at them in an attempt to fight them off. Keep doing this until they back away. If you’re a theatrical sort, you can engage them in some dialogue:
‘So we finally meet.’
‘I knew they’d send someone after me and I’m glad it was you. I’m one of the most lethal spies in the game, so if an attempt is to be made on my life, I deserve it to be done by the best your side has to offer. I hear that’s you.’
‘I know you’ve been trailing me. Sure, I’ve never actually caught a proper look at you – you’re good, I’ll give you that – but I’ve seen you lurking in shadows.’
‘It’s a pity I’ll have to kill you. It’s a waste of talent. You could have come to our side and been a valuable asset. In fact, I will give you one last chance to do so.’
‘And you decline the offer once again. Very well. Let us battle.’
And then begin flailing at them manically until they back off.
→ The Homer Simpson Approach
When they approach you, start screaming. Just scream. Keeping it up until they back off.
Readers who have been positively affected by Catherine’s How To are reminded to send gift baskets and handsome escorts. Readers who have been adversely affected are reminded that this How To is for entertainment purposes only and any deployment of a Chugger army after reading is purely coincidental.