Humour: Fifty Shades of Shite – Vol IV
Git Grey knotted his tie carefully, watching his reflection modestly in the mirror. Ana would cream herself when she saw what tie he was wearing; it was the one he’d trussed her up with and his favourite too.
Pure silk, thick and luxurious, it was perfect for his playroom – and every time he’d tugged it tighter the Simpsons theme tune had rung out. Who said novelty ties were dead?
Grinning widely, he rubbed his hands together, anticipating his next date with the delectable Ana. He was speaking at her graduation ceremony at Trinity College (no, he didn’t know why either) but after that he was going back to hers for some more hot lovin’. The lucky bitch.
An hour later Git sat on the stage at the ceremony listening to the official speeches, trying to find his Ana in the crowd. Ah, there she was. He could just glimpse her through the throng of other students. She was looking well. No bra. She knew how to turn him on, no matter how innocent she pretended to be.
He snapped back to attention upon hearing his name and jumped up to deliver his speech, ready to inspire. Trinners were, after all, winners.
‘Howayis, ladies and gentlemen. It is a profound honour to be asked to speak here today. Especially to talk to you about the work of the environmental science department in producing sustainable food for third-world countries. Like ourselves, wha’?
‘Through my new research, carried out at this very university, we have developed a way to clone a food product so synonymous with the great city of Dublin that nobody will ever go hungry again. I’m talking about, of course, the spice burger.
‘I know what it’s like to be hungry. Starving actually. I went on the tear and at about 3am I was so hungry me belly thought me throat had been cut. So I went to the chipper and bought a spice burger and I was instantly full. For a week. Maybe it was the mystery meat, maybe it was the MSG, maybe it was the pound of trans-fat, maybe it was the sawdust, who knows?
‘All I know is that from that moment on I vowed to not only make the country’s biggest spiceburger – for us all here in Ireland to share – but to come up with the technology to clone that spice burger, so that the world can eat. From Darfur to Darndale, nobody need ever be hungry again.
‘The good people at Trinity College were brilliant in helpin’ me in all in anyways and today I can announce that with my enormous spice burger I will succeed where that gobshite Bob Geldof failed – I will actually feed the world. Stick that in yer fuckin’ hippy pipe and smoke it.’
The applause almost deafened him as he sat back down, basking in the glory. If that didn’t get Ana on her back again, he didn’t know what would.
A while later, after all the certificates had been given out, he stood beside Ana, drinking in her beautiful pale face (a few iron tablets wouldn’t go astray) and tumbling brunette hair.
‘Git, this is my dad, Ray,’ she said, shyly, indicating an older man standing beside her.
‘Raymondo! How’s it hangin’?’ Git said, shaking the man’s hand like he gave a shite. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to be nice; he might have a few bob stashed away. Hey, he didn’t get to be a billionaire by spending it, that’s for sure. ‘Did you see me speech? What did yis think, brilliant wasn’t it?’
They were so stunned by his greatness that they couldn’t reply but it didn’t matter, there’d be plenty of time for talking about him later. He arranged to meet Ana at her house that evening – he had a graduation present for her – and strode off to stand by a window and stare moodily out of it.
That night he pulled up in front of Ana’s apartment – bit of a kip if he was honest – and rang the doorbell impatiently, dying to see her. Hopefully she was still braless.
She opened the door shyly, biting her lip and rolling her eyes at him, freaking him out a bit to be fair. Was she having a fit or something? No, it was grand, she was just trying to be sexy.
‘Howaya love,’ he said, breezing into the apartment and pinching her arse as he passed. ‘Are you ready for your graduation present?’
She nodded, looking at him excitedly, eyes round with excitement.
‘Well, you know the way I hate that banger of a car of yours? It’s not safe and I don’t want you driving it anymore. I want you safe when you travel. Sooooo …’ he pulled an envelope out of his pocket and presented it to Ana. ‘I got you this.’
Openmouthed, Ana ripped open the envelope and stood staring at its contents. ‘It’s … it’s … well … a …’
‘That’s right,’ Git said, smiling broadly. ‘It’s an annual Dublin Bus travel pass. Now you can get wherever you need to go safely without having to worry about driving. Isn’t it great?’
Ah Jaysis, she was so overwhelmed she was speechless. It made him so horny watching her gaping at him like a guppy.
‘C’mom, enough of the foreplay. Let’s go into the bedroom. I want to take our relationship to the next level. I’m going to slap the arse off ya,’ he breathed, excitement lighting his eyes.
Dragging her by the hand he threw her across the bed and pulled down her trousers, producing a wooden spoon from behind his back. ‘We’re going to do it old school,’ he said, caressing the length of the spoon, whacking her sharply with it.
‘Don’t. Make. Me. Come. Up. There!’ he shouted, as he spanked. ‘Don’t. Give. Me. Any. Of. Your. Lip! Oh God, Ana this is doing it for me, I’m almost there. This is going to make me come.’
Spanking her faster, he started screaming at the top of his voice, turning himself on even more. ‘Get. Back. Into. Bed. WAIT. UNTIL. YOUR. FATHER. GETS. HOME. Oh GOD! I’m there, I’m there … GETOUTTADATGARDEN!!!!!!‘
Breathing heavily he collapsed on top of Ana, feeling the warmth of her bare buttocks, red from his spanking, beneath him. That was something else altogether.
‘Git,’ Ana whispered. Obviously all shagged out. ‘My arse is killing me. Could you get me some oil or something to rub into it?’
Ever the gentleman, he hopped up straight away and made for the bathroom, rummaging in the cupboards and presses. Nothing. Thinking on his feet, he remembered seeing a deep fat fryer in the kitchen. That’d do.
Whistling, he sauntered towards the kitchen. Maybe he’d heat the oil up a bit, give her a full body massage. He’d stay schtum about where he got the oil though, burds were weird like that.
‘Ana,’ he sang as he made his way back to the bedroom. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you!’