Top Ten Reasons No One Follows You On Twitter
Are you finding it difficult to get to grips with Twetiquette? Are your followers rarer than flat-chested reality TV stars? There’s probably good reason, and we’re here to help. This is Ramp.ie’s troubleshooting guide to your twabject twfailure, our fourteen Top Ten Reasons No On Follows You On Twitter. We hope this helps you find peace, happiness, and an audience smarter than you are.
14. You tweet too much.
This is a thing. This is a big thing. When smart people are scouting for new tweeps to follow, they gauge how grabby they’re going to be with their timeline. Proud racker-upper of 76k tweets? That’s going to frighten people. They’re going to assume you have twitterhoea and that you broadcast everything from what you had for breakfast, to what your cat just did, to your stream of consciousness take on Vincent Brown’s eyebrow semaphore. You think prolific, we think DDoS.
13. You only talk about the same damn thing.
You have a cause and you know how to use it! Whether you’re using a personal Twitter account to transmit your business’s special offers or your chosen charity’s latest research, you’re boring the holes off us. Find some complementary interests. Or some wildly differing interests. Find something else to talk about. Which brings us to…
12. You use automated tweets.
Listen here. A Twitter account is not some sort of ethereal companion piece to your website, your Soundcloud or, God help us, your Facebook. Twitter is not only a stand-alone medium in its own right, but it’s a medium that could hold up a whole citadel of engaging narrative and cat memes. It forces attention-grabbing, succinct witticisms. It is not there to function as a newsreel for your last loved song on LastFM.
11. You only ever RT.
Nothing nicer than going to someone’s Twitter profile and seeing a stream full of interesting, clever, funny tweets about a diverse range of social, cultural and personal issues. Nothing worse than realising the tweep in question didn’t come up with any of them. Tip: if you’re a boring bellend, get off the Twittercoaster. No one needs you bolstering someone else’s opinions like you’re their mutated second mouth.
10. You have no avatar.
Twitter avatars are not difficult to set up and they function as a little visual identity so your followers can pick you out of a line-up of competing loudmouths and possibly even fancy you a little bit. It’s bad enough when a personal Twitter account uses a cartoon or logo as its avatar, but perhaps the author’s hideously deformed and/or on the run from the feds. But a default Twitter avatar? That’s telling the world that you’re lazy, or sloppy, or haven’t a clue how to work your backend. And yeah, pun intended.
9. You don’t follow anyone.
Of course you’re on Twitter just to talk about yourself – we all are. You still have to give the illusion of interest in the rest of us, and Twitter was built to go both ways. If you’re not following anyone, or if your stream is full of stand-alone tweets about what you think about this, that and him over there, you’re not only doing it wrong, but you’re broadcasting the fact that you don’t give a shit who knows it. Stop trying to make Twitter into a one-way street! This isn’t Cork!
8. You tweet at celebrities.
They’re not going to tweet back, you know. I don’t care how fast you think One Direction are capable of reading, having ten eyes between them and all; they can’t pick your tweet out of the other seventy million desperate bawls of ‘Plz RT fer mi frend Gemma she loevs u ll xoxo’ . Even if they could, they won’t. Because they don’t read their @replies. They are the exceptions to Number 9 up there. They even have people to ignore their @replies for them.
7. You talk to spambots.
You know the way celebrities won’t reply to you? Well, same for spam accounts. You know why? Because they’re run by spambots. They’re automated. There’s no one behind them, diligently checking if their links to porn sites are upsetting anyone. They’re. Not. Real. People. If you see someone called Honee Magiy or Tabitha Nedy or something equally unlikely in your follower or @replies stream, it’s really not going to help if you loftily tweet ‘I report spam so you can stop following me now’. Oh, you report spam? In that case this soulless ream of code will back the fuck off.
6. You DM ‘Thanks for the follow’ notes.
Two things. A ‘Thanks for the follow’ DM might indicate – strongly – that you use an automated ‘Thanks for the follow’ service. What other automated services might you employ? Your follower numbers? Your horoscope? It does not bode well. You may, in fact, be a bot yourself, so you might want to check that. The second thing a ‘Thanks for the follow’ DM says about you is that you’re a bit of a moron. A follow is not a marriage proposal. Stop wetting yourself.
5. You try to be edgy but you’re actually just a witless cunt.
You tweet sexist, racist, I-tells-it-like-I-sees-it comments that you think are vicious, necessary truths, oblivious to the fact that no one wants to read sexist, racist, I-tells-it-like-I-sees-it comments because Jeremy Clarkson already exists. Either that or you go on about poo all the time. Or your knob. Or your vagina, which you edgily refer to as your ‘fanny’. What’s that rumble? Is it the discontent of all those squares who’ll never censor you? No, it’s Bill Hicks spinning in his grave.
4. You put full stops before your @ replies so everyone can see them.
Twitter won’t display tweets that the people you follow send to strangers, because it doesn’t want to wreck your buzz. That’s handy, because eavesdropping on strange conversations is a lot less fun than the French Resistance made it out to be. But wait! What if you want people to see the conversations between you and your Twitter mates because you’re all such clever cards? You can put a single full stop before your first @, which will fool Twitter into thinking you’re writing a stand-alone tweet. Brilliant, eh? Only thing is, no one fucking cares what you’ve got to say about Anto’s ma and certainly no one wants in on your drab argument with some pro-life troll you’ve managed to unearth after fourteen solid hours digging. This would lead everyone to believe…
3. You use Twitter as an outlet to expand upon your neuroses.
You’re a deep person and you’re in pain. Existence is wearing you down and the only bulwark for your intensity is the concerned attention of strangers. So you use Twitter to tell the world, very wildly, about how you hate yourself, your mother, your doctor, Lady Luck, the apparitions at the end of your bed, and the blokes at Vodafone customer support. And here’s the harsh truth: moaning about how everything’s futile and you want to kill yourself is usually a great indication that you’ve actually got too much time on your hands, you’re very proud of how unique your mental anguish makes you, and there’s actually fuck-all wrong a kick up the hole wouldn’t sort out. Mental illness isn’t a joke or a stylish accessory, and you’re a damn prat.
2. You can’t spell.
You think spelling doesn’t matter on the internet, but you are wrong. So, so wrong. If SMS messages killed our respect for the written word, the internet is doing its best to revive it. For every misspelled update, there’s a disappointed friend with a bellyful of ‘*you’re *they’re *its’ they’re only too thrilled to share out. The internet is the home of the pedant and the grammar Nazi, and if you like to abbreviate, or use ‘lol’ non-ironically, or think anyone who flinches at your disregard for capital letters is a nitpicking nitwit, you’re doomed to spend your Twitter years in solitary confinement, or amongst your own kind, who you’ll shortly discover utterly deserve your company. Dont say wii didnt warn u!!!!
1. They just plain don’t like you.
Look, you can’t win ‘em all. You’ll occasionally run across people who just don’t find you interesting. They’ll unfollow you, or refuse to react to your gentle prompts. There is no point at all getting worked up about this. Their reason for ignoring you like you’re a bus station wino may not be listed above. It could be personal. They disagree with your politics – it happens. They don’t like your sense of humour – it happens. Their feed is already too full of wits and cads and cards and wags – it happens. You’ve slept with their girlfriend – it happens. Don’t worry about it. And certainly don’t plague them with questions as to why you’ve been dropped like a Guinness fart. It’s not worth worrying about. There are plenty more fish in the sea. And it’s only Twitter, for fuck’s sake.