Rottweiler Soup: Keep On Hoppin’
Don’t Call Me Scarface!
You won’t believe the fucking week I’ve had ever since Delia told me I had to get rid of all the booze he sold me, that 200 grand’s worth of coke, try to find someone who will take it off my hands or else use up as much of it as I possibly could myself before the rozzers come looking for me, turn sildenafil 40 mg troche my apartment upside down looking for the keys to the lock-up where I keep it all, not that they’d find much of it there now because I’ve been storing most of the booze in the trunk of a hire car and bringing it up to the apartment a bottle or two at a time to drink of an evening, you know, a nightcap, a bottle of Glenmorangie, a couple of Cohibas and two grand of blow just to help me get to sleep, the coke I’ve smuggled bit by bit each morning into my office at the embassy, they’ve got X-ray machines, metal detectors, psychics, telepaths and Robocops to stop people bringing shit into that place but no sniffer dogs capable of spotting an employee zonked up to his eyeballs on the stuff and me with fifty grams hidden in my headphones and shoved up me ass, well it gives me a reason to be regular every
morning, doesn’t it, Maggie said to me once, you know, ‘why do they call them sniffer dogs and not sniffing dogs, Surely it would make sense to call them sniffing dogs seeing how they have seeking helicopters’ I felt like saying ‘Maggie, you dumb bitch it isn’t seeking helicopters it’s Sea King helicopters, that’s the name of the model, they’re built by Sikorsky, Sikorsky Sea King helicopters, not seeking, it isn’t seeking and sniffing, it’s sniffer and Sea King’, but of course I didn’t did I, I just kept schtum and shared a knowing glance with Frank who rolled his eyes without Maggie seeing and then said, ‘Yeah Maggie, you’re right it doesn’t make sense does it, some fucker ought to sort that out you know, why don’t you write to the papers or get in touch with RTE?’ and she said, ‘You know, I think I will,’ and all the time there’s me thinking Frank, you bastard you’d let her as well wouldn’t you, and he’s smirking while she’s thinking so highly of him for backing her up and telling her what an astute and perceptive chick she is, which is just typical of Frank, isn’t it, just typical, so anyway, I haven’t really been eating much, haven’t felt all that hungry to be honest, I find that if I feel peckish a hot whisky staves off
the hunger and helps me to get down the bottles at the same time I know connoisseurs will tell me that that’s a disgrace that you should never waste Glenmorangie like that by using it for hot toddies but I figure that it’s helping me to stay hydrated at the same time as I deplete my stock and they say that although you can live without food for a hundred days you can only live without water for something like a week and a week would never be enough time for me to get through all that booze and coke, I mean it’s been a week now and I’ve drunk, what, about ten bottles and snorted about fifty grand’s worth of coke which still leaves me with six bottles to drink and around a hundred, hundred and fifty grand to put up my nose there’s no way I’m going to be able to do it and time it so that they both run out at the same time there’s definitely going to be a whisky deficit I even considered going out and buying some more whisky, can you believe that, more whisky so that I can finish them at the same time but even I thought that was a bit ridiculous so instead I paid a visit to Jane Bondage out in Glenageary to see if there was any way she could help me shift what was left of my coke I was almost thrusting it upon her and indeed at one point thrusting it in her but she says she already has enough problems there and she’s already warned me off before bringing my own snort in there, customers are expected to buy their drugs off the girls who get a commission, a percentage for whatever they shift so the last thing they want to see is customers who have a picnic of their own, so to speak, let alone someone like me who not only has his own stash but also wants his consort, escort, snortscort to help him dispose of his surplus she nearly had an eppy ‘Get that stuff the fuck outta here, Joe, I already told you once you’ll get us feckin killed so you will, times are bad enough as it is, the girls have been told already they’ve got to up their sales, muscle a bigger market share in the shakeout I said to you it was going to get dirty what bit about that did you not understand, did you think I was talking sexy dirty I wasn’t I meant nasty dirty, seriously Joe you must be high on the stuff right now if you, wait you are aren’t you, you’re darn tooting I am, I said, or rather I’m darn tooting I mexicanpharmacy-onlinerx.com like that one it made me laugh a lot, really a lot, because I was darn tooting or I had been darn tooting anyway Jane didn’t see the funny side of it so I tried to make nice and mollify her, change the subject, talk about the new girl, find out what’s been happening to her but now I can’t remember what Jane told me or even if she did tell me anything I couldn’t pay attention and in any case I had this brilliant idea I thought maybe if instead of asking Jane to sell the coke for me what if I just got her list of clients off her and approached them myself then that would get her off the hook and she wouldn’t have to do any work or compromise herself in any way just tell me who her customers are, not even tell me, really, just drop hints maybe draw a picture of them maybe do a Pictionary sketch and let me guess it shouldn’t be that hard after all most of them are easily identifiable and you’d see them on the telly all the time, judges barristers chat show hosts radio pundits deejays business tycoons so all she’d need to do really is a caricature of their most prominent feature like say a shiny bald head which is really just a curved line isn’t it or else say a squiggle representing the outline of a particular county so I’d be able to identify the TD being referred to or even if she just shat in her hand I’d know the shit she’d be referring to I think we all would but Jane wasn’t having anything of it, ‘I’m not going to play feckin pantomimes with you Joe, especially not in the state you’re in, if you had any sense you’d go straight home now and get some sleep, you look like you haven’t slept for days,’ ‘Sure I have’, I said, ‘Once I slept for three days that time I fell off the terrace at the Four Seasons’ ‘That wasn’t sleep, you were in a coma’, she said, ‘It doesn’t count’ so I said, ‘Well if you’re going to be like that I’m going to go now’ but of course I wasn’t going at all I was going to have a look around the building, see who else was there of a Saturday afternoon that I might recognize, not out of any malevolent intent, you understand, not for blackmail or anything but to see if there might be anyone interested in purchasing my wares but Jane I don’t know if she was too quick for me or if she had a protocol already in place in the event that clients should try this sort of thing or whether I just said out loud after ‘I’m going now’ ‘But first I’m going to look in all the rooms of the house’ whichever it was she pushed some alarm button because I’d got no further than the door of her boudoir when these two big burly cunts burst in and grab me by each arm and drag me out the room and pull me down the stairs and round the back of the reception, avoiding the waiting room so nobody could see me being ejected, down through past the kitchen, round by the dungeon/bondage cellar, straight past Manuel Estimulo’s office/panic room/armory, onto the back patio, making sure to rabbit punch my kidneys and bounce my head viagra vs cialis off the gravel as we go and along a secluded bush-lined alleyway that eventually spewed out into the fields backing onto the local junior school where I was unceremoniously kicked in the nads and told not to be showing my feculent fizzog anywhere within half a mile of Miss Whipcream’s establishment again if I didn’t want it summarily sliced off at the jaw peeled away using the ears as winding handles and the space where my eyeballs used to be crammed with the wraps of cocaine I’d intended to distribute to Senor Estimulo’s esteemed guests and clientele, well that was me fucking told wasn’t it isn’t it any wonder I’ve spent the last twenty-eight hours straight snorting as much of the stuff as I could to keep the pain away and get rid of it what choice do I have after all it isn’t like I’m Al Pacino or something I’m just trying to look after myself and Delia and if this is what it takes it’s what cialis ads on tv I’ll do I’m considerate like that you’ve got to look after your mates.
This is funny read this
A baker’s dozen of little-known facts about the poet Philip Larkin:
1: Larkin designed the Union Jack underpants worn by Tim Brooke-Taylor in The Goodies.
2: He was born with 6 toes on his left hand. Fortunately, he was right-handed, so this did not interfere with his poetry writing.
3: As club mascot, he ran out onto the pitch in his three-piece suit ahead of the team at every Hull Kingston Rovers home match of the 1964-5 season.
4: In sildenafil iugr an interview with the Daily Express in 1975, when asked to name his favourite celebrity, Larkin named British table-tennis champion Desmond Douglas, ‘as a joke’. He received over 350 death threats from regular Express readers as a result.
5: He learned French by standing next to Sacha Distel for six months.
6: Every year on his birthday, he would rise at 5 a.m., go to Pearson Park, kill a cat, return to his flat and masturbate into a Coronation mug.
7: He lost his life savings in a venture to publish a version of The Highway Code in braille.
8: He won the first ever episode of Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook, in 1973.
9: On his death it was found that he had 2,000 stringed conkers under his bed.
10: He once made a 149 break, but there were no witnesses.
11: He was the inspiration for Bill Maynard’s TV character Selwyn Froggatt.
12: All visitors to his home received a plate stacked high with homemade gooseberry jam sandwiches, even though the smallest contact with gooseberries brought his hands out in weeping sores.
13: He played the bassoon on The Housemartins’ ‘Happy Hour’.